Beanz1980 Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 I know for me, its anger & paranoia/trust. I can be fine one minute & in the blink of an eye I'm angry for no reason. Trust doesn't exist. I trust nobody. Those are the 2 major things I have the hardest time dealing with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennx Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Managing my impulses and evil thoughts. The people inside me change their minds and it's hard to keep up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbles.. Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Trust, impulses and self harm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Controlling and manipulating...I cannot be in a sexual relationship as I....being totally honest...ruin the other persons life by needing to control them. Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beanz1980 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Oh Steve I'm the same way..... My current bf of 4 years says living with me is like being in prison & he calls me warden. Rules Rules Rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Beanz...it is lonely..yes?? I have to have complete control...at the expense of the other persons feelings...and freedoms. Sad really...all or nothing... Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Anger, inferiority, shame, black and white thinking/splitting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Impulses... Shame, self-loathing and disgust... Black and white all or nothing thinking and therefore actions.. TRUST, lol, I don't trust myselves, never mind anyone else... Yes...these are the main difficulties... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinyshine Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Being manipulative of other people, but conversely, being so easily manipulated myself in romantic relationships. Also sh and mind reading/fortune telling type thinking when I'm depressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beanz1980 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 Steve, its an awful feeling. I hate having to control EVERYTHING but it calms me. I do wish I could have a "normal" relationship.... He chooses to stay, even after 4 years of me controlling him. I've given him the option, but he won't leave. He's miserable, I'm far from stupid, why he stays baffles me.... He goes to work & comes home. Doesn't go anywhere....No cell phone. I keep tabs on everything...Ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted April 25, 2014 Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 Beanz...my last relationship ended nearly 3 years ago..I never want to bully andmanipulate anyone like I did to her...I am ashamed of my behaviour. I know I would do the same thing again...as I have always done. I have to control everything..I live a regimented life and I expect everyone else to fall in to the line I set...I cannot cope with deviation from my expectations...sad. Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellar Posted April 25, 2014 Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 I think trust,is a really big factor,i don't trust anybody.The only Two friends,if you can call it that,that i have,are through recent medical avenues.Even these are a tug of war.Ironically,i have been married since May 1986.I don't know how,she puts up with me,we have kids,Grand kids,we exist.Life has flown by,now i feel empty to it.Yes,emptiness comes hand in hand with lack of trust.That leaves a huge void to scream into. Stellar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenkalllo Posted April 25, 2014 Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 Seems trust is the common thing here. It is definitely the demon I most struggle with. I have a long history of very obsessive relationships; friendships and lovers. Amidst the whirlwind that is me always comes the big speeches "I've never met anyone like you...", "I didn't know it was possible to love like this..." or "it is you and me... forever, I couldn't live without it" - oh, but it always dies. Once the 'other' side of my brain kicks and they see the full me, suddenly the excitement and passion ceases to be so attractive. Suddenly it's all part of the great manipulation and then they go against everything they ever said and leave me to rot (after I have usually pushed them to both the mental and physical brink!). I don't trust anything anyone says to me, if they're not lying, they've not seen the full me and if they have and continue to spew bitter sweet nothings... it's because they fear my temper. Nothing is real, no words, no feeling - just me. If my brain allows me time to wallow on anything else, it would be unpredictability of my temper. I'm sure the staff in my local Sainsburys still wet their pants when I walk in ... just incase they're out of stock of my gluten free bread again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Settng Sun Posted April 25, 2014 Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 If my brain allows me time to wallow on anything else, it would be unpredictability of my temper. I'm sure the staff in my local Sainsburys still wet their pants when I walk in ... just incase they're out of stock of my gluten free bread again! My local one always knows to be stocked up with Jaffa Cakes unless they want a barrage of profanity to come wafting down their aisles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carthraziel Posted April 25, 2014 Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 I was only diagnosed a few months ago but I know I have had it for much longer, the psychiatrist said it has probably been my personality my whole life. That said, the things that are the most difficult change with time. But if you're asking for right now.... It's the lonliness. It's like having a void in my soul constantly sucking away enjoyment and meaning from everything.I feel like everything is pointless, nothing matters... Often I am able to shift my pattern of thinking and find some other way to give meaning to my life, but the void is relentless. I feel so isolated even in a long term stable relationship. I feel isolated from my friends when I'm with them. I am constantly being eaten up from the inside with this horrible gaping feeling. When I was at school it used to crush me, now it's more like an underlying current of my life. It's just tiring in a really general way, nd sometimes when I am eakened by life this void is so overwhelming and I'm so tired of living with it that I just want to throw myself in. I also hate the way that always feeling like this is so abstract for other people to understand that they really can;'t see why I feel like that at all. That then makes me feel like an alien and even more isolated. I always thought there was a problem with me, but then when I was diagnosed and saw "chronic emptyness" as a symptom I was like O_o wow..... I can;t believe that's a known symptom. I don't think it ever goes away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PoppyFlower Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 For me, emptiness which hurts, and extreme self loathing.... I am disgusted with myself and can't bear to be around myself, if that makes sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 29, 2014 Report Share Posted April 29, 2014 Fear of abandonment, feeling disconnected from the world and utterly alone, shame, self hatred, paranoia, trust and rage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmmeek Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 I struggle with any kind of relationship. I love the beginning stage, new and exciting! But as I get more comfortable with people, I start to push them away and become paranoid and untrusting. I feel unwanted and unloved. Part of me says it's not true, but a louder part tells me they're better off without me and I don't deserve love or happiness with them. It's ruined every relationship I've ever had. I'm alone and it hurts. But it hurts more to be in relationships where I feel unwanted. I don't know what to do! I also struggle with being present. I disassociate a lot and it's really hard to control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino Vox Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 I hate the sudden switch of love and hate. It's so damaging to our loved ones. I hibernate when I get like that, it's good to shut off the world now and then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 i struggle with the feelings of self hate,not feeling happy in my skin. i always have to change whether that's my clothes or body shape by dropping or gaining depending on how distructive anna is being. i also form attatchments really easally and wonder why i keep getting hurt i hear voices on a regular basis which i struggle with but that's not a symptem of bpd i know but i struggle with it so it goes on the list. i could go on but that's enough for now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 i don't understand why people would want to spend time with me i don't feel worthy of their time if that makes sence. i also have abandonment issues big style to the point that i think all my friends i have down here will get fed up of me and leave me that's what usuallly happens in the end, i end up alone because my disorder drives people away or it has in the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 constant unending fear fear of everyone relatives, friends, strangers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 i know what you mean about feeling constant fear i had that all my life until i was put on clonazepam to calm the fear and frightened child inside my head and heart. maybe go to your gp and ask for something to calm you that's not to sidating so you can take them during the day if needed just a suggestion. you don't have to take it, i wont be offended in any way if you don't want to, i understand because i hate going to the gp my self Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 i also struggle with low self asteam, lack of self worth, getting compliments and believing them. That's the difficult bit i don't see my self as pretty because i'm really not. and i don't believe it when people say i look nice i think they're saying it to be kind that's how twisted bpd really is, from a blind person's perspective Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 thank you maddy i have actually begged for quetiapine and clonazepam on my knees all i ever got was antidepressants, none of which work but thank you, i really appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness and reflecting on what you wrote above maddy yes you can have that view of yourself that doesn't match the view that others have of you and its hard to accept because its about how you are seen at surface level and i can relate to that hugely. i've always felt deeply unattractive and yet if you look at what you write to folks on the forum here those are the words of a deeply hurting person that is truly kind and caring there are symptoms that cloud things, and there is you behind them and that you i experience as good. you don't have to buy what i'm writing but its my truth about you and i wish you healing and to find a way in time to have that very kind part of you see herself and appreciate what she does not self praise but to see that she is kind to others and that is huge (to me) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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