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What Do You Struggle With Most With Bpd?


Beanz1980

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/snip

Wow, well said. This is me.

It's unbearable I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Hugs to you ekim,

And hugs to all of us here.

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I struggle so much with trust. I have recently entered into a new relationship and for the first time ever I was completely honest about my condition right from the start. Within a month I have already hit him with the full force of my condition and he still stays. I have given him the option to leave and still he stays and I don't want to hurt him. My big downfall when it comes to my boyfriend is that I keep pushing for engagement in an attempt to control him and have him with me forever. I'm losing hope of being able to control this.

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  • 3 weeks later...
For me, emptiness which hurts, and extreme self loathing.... I am disgusted with myself and can't bear to be around myself, if that makes sense?

totally!xx

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Impulses and Anger. I was just in the ER yesterday and started fighting the security people to get out. The stupid crisis lady thought I was doing it for attention, but my temper had spiked and I couldn't stop it. 45 minutes of security restraining me with their hand left bruises on my upper arms and shoulders that still hurt now.

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My BPD exacerbates my other disorders. Especially my schizo affective bipolar. Because of it I have atypical mania and become aggressive and hateful and desiring to cause harm and conflict to others at seemingly random intervals. I harm myself to dissuade these thoughts and lock myself away. Becoming aggressive when this is impeded on and misunderstood.

I struggle most with my emotions. Lacking comprehension and the ability to cope, I am easily overwhelmed. Shutting down, disassociating, and harming myself are often the only way I can deal with it. It's further difficult because others cannot or will not understand, accept or believe that I feel emotions in their raw forms. Worsened, lengthier and more extreme than they do. That I go to desperate measures to control this, ease this. Render myself inert and able to breathe. Purposefully distressing myself to a breaking point, to make myself cry and scream when I usually cannot. To finally have a semblance of control and comfort for a brief period I can easily celebrate as much as hate it. Frustrated and angry that I rely on medications to control them and have some sense of being human.

Further I struggle with black and white thinking. At feeling betrayal and anger for a simple correction on my behavior or raging frustration when I'm not understood and belittled. Or my skills at manipulation and my constant fear and mistrust of others that leads me to play double agent. Speaking falsehoods or half truths to what I believe is to survive. There's a constant feeling of paranoia and easily jump to wrong conclusions over spoken word or actions. Believing that someone dislikes me or wishes me harm. Is angry with me or hateful of me.

Coping is difficult, seemingly not achievable without medications. Making me frustrated and simultaneously grateful for the crutch.

Still, someday there is a hope that I can go without them. Learn to be a human being as I have never been able to.

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I'm having such a bad time trying to cope with my fear of rejection. Sometimes it's like I'm going to lose my mind, because I'm so aware about the fact that all those negative feelings are related to the BPD and it's like I have no right to feel those things, but I just can't help it.

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Actually, all of my problems are product of this fear of rejection. Especially the anger and the self harm. Now I just ended a very important relationship and suddenly I'm angry all-the-time! I'm trying to find other way to deal with it, I'm seeing a therapist, I'm starting the gym tomorrow, but this effort makes me feel like all of my life is about my problem and there's no room left for other things. My BPD feels like some giant black hole that swallows everything. When I'm having a big crisis, I'm no able to study, work or be concentrated at anything other than my pain.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Same as many others... control control control. My way or you better run and hide. No trust. Can't accept the fact that I'm loved. Needing to be included in every single thing my significant other is involved in, otherwise I think its because he doesn't want me around.

Its a miserable life. I wish I could turn it off.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The paranoia is the worst, where I work myself up so much...my mind plays tricks, and I have the vulnerability shown to the outside world, as I act out on impulses.

Also by my own actions, caused loneliness as I have withdrawn from all my family members.

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I struggle with anger and trust, and appear hugely confident due to work, but am actually petrified, and find it hard to make female friends. by my actions I have managed to alienate anyone who was a friend in the last 5 years, its been a bad bad time. Now I am working on therapy and trying to build a new life, but huge fear, and I keep isolating.

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  • 2 weeks later...

For me it's the black and white thinking, which creates confusion for me and constant anxiety!!!.

I also don't trust or I trust too easily and I can be very paranoid at times.

Valuing and devaluing is awful, especially when it's your partner!!! And I really get about the controlling your partner too because everything has to be a certain way.

Xxxx

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My biggest struggles are trust, abandonment, fear, rage, hopelessness and impulsiveness and trying to controle all this shit !!!.........I hate being this way........ there must be another me that i need to find.

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For me I have to be in control of relationships it helps to soothe me, if I feel I am loosing control I result in self harm and suicide attempts.

I loose control inside and feel anger and screams coming from inside my head and my stomach, I want to bash my head against the wall and destroy everything.

I am deeply emotional and just the tiniest stress will make me want to burst into tears, I find this so embarrassing. Iife looks so easy and pleasurable for others.

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Welcome to the forums, Katen, I hope we can be of help for you. I just wanted to say hi and also that after some talking with others it seems that life isn't always easy for them either, it looks easy but it isn't. Everyone will struggle at some point, even the healthiest person in the world. I find that knowing this is a sort of comfort. Cheers.

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God, this thread just makes me cry. I don't want to be alone.

I'll tell you what I struggle with. It's guilt and shame. That comes from everything else that this disorder brings. Guilt that I act like I do and shame that I am like this. That then triggers other stuff. Then I get impulsive. It's like I'm a passenger in my own body. I can kick and scream at myself not to do these things but I'm just watching.

I went and got some drugs the other day. I know they make me worse, they destabilise my moods much more. When I knew I was on that track I started telling myself not to do it. But then there was a gleeful part of me that was pushing me on.

So I got them and injected them and felt terrible and even worse since.

This disorder is not the massive self esteem boost I always imagined it would be. /sarcasm.

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