I Dread Sunny Days.

[successful_workthru]

For some unknown reason I dread sunny days.

I don't get sunburnt and I don't mind the heat, better than cold, but I just hate them for some reason.

In the past, I have not left my flat for a fortnight of sunny days, while every one else is outside.

I don't know why, they just make my loneliness much worse.

When I do venture out, I am made more aware of my loneliness as I see people, with company, doing things they like.

I come home and read facebook to see that everyone has had a nice day, and I've either been out for ten minutes on my own or stayed in.

I know sunglight helps depression, but I always feel much worse after I have been out on my own, and this makes me dread going out.

The afternoons drag so much, that often, I go to bed and hide, so I am wasting my life really.

I just hate being lonely.

In the past I rang three different people in a row so I could have someone to go out with or visit them. One person didn't feel like visitors, the other person was knackered, and the other person was busy doing something else.

I get quite desperate, but even though the people I rang could not help it, it's put me off phoning.

I even get scared when I hear a phone ringing and ringing and no one answering it.

I don't like to push people cos I have done that in the past, and they let me come but I felt in the way.

I did have friends but I fell out with one, after she got really nasty and upset me. The reason she got really nasty and upset me was because I called her out on talking over me all the time.

She wouldn't budge and kept calling me horrible names by text, until two other people said that she does actually talk over people, so she apologised, but I don't like being around her now, because if I disagree with something she says she might kick off again.

The other friend I had fancied me and when I said I didn't feel the same way he got all funny about it.

I dunno, sunny days just remind me that I am not welcome here on this planet.

I know that because of my relationships with friends and family.

I had to move away from my family and limit contact because they used to put me down all the time, and I do believe that if I was still in contact with them, I would be literally suicidal.

I have two choices in life, to be alone or to be with people who treat me like shit.

Other people have a third option, and that is, to be with people who treat them well, but this option is just not available to me and I resent this.

I am getting ready to go out, just to the supermarket and to feed the ducks with some stale bread I have but I am dreading it.

I don't want to be lonely, but I also don't want bullies for friends.

So, I can't wait for today to be over and i hope we dont get a hot summer, cos I will have hours and hours in this flat alone and it will aggrevate my depression and anxiety like being alone too much always does.

Sorry to sound full of self pity, sunny days get me like this.

Can anyone else identify with this?

[toaster]

Hey

I can relate. I used to despise the summer. It meant more people would be about, which heightened my social anxiety no end; I could smell barbecues which made me think of all the happy families and friends having fun together - it was a constant reminder of what I didn't have. I longed for the winter and the darkness, cold and rain when I knew people would be hiding away, just like me. No kids running about, making noise, no smell of barbecues, no sound of laughing coming from the local beer gardens - just me, on my own.

Moving area saved me. I hated where I lived, mainly because I had a reputation of being the local bat-shit crazy person. I do not know what would have happened had I not moved. The me now would say to join some local community groups, do some volunteer work, go to college (which is what I did when I moved). The me then would have said no.

I know some people believe that moving is running away and that can be the case, especially if no other changes are made other than your surroundings. But for some, like me, it can be the opposite - running towards success. Being able to reinvent yourself is pretty liberating. No-one knows how I was, the things I did. If I do confide in someone what I was like, people are like 'SERIOUSLY?! YOU?!'.

I had nothing to lose and everything to gain when I moved.

Now I hate the winter. It makes me horribly depressed - I want to be outside, in the beer garden, with my friends, at the barbecue.

I know moving isn't that straightforward. It's the option and solution I know. It's hard to change friendships that are already established.

Are there any local activities you can join, or volunteering things? It's enrollment time in the colleges, I know.

Take care,

Toast xxx

[successful_workthru]

Hi Toaster thanks for your lovely message.

I dont want to get involved with the world to be honest.

I can't cope with people.

Someone had a go at me today and upset me.

[toaster]

I know, I read your other post

Most people hate people on benefits, hence why I don't tell anyone. The sooner I am off them, the better.

Not everyone is like him, honest.

I think your original post was basically saying you DO want those nice things, else you wouldn't hate the sunny days.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience. Please take care.

Toast xxx

[successful_workthru]

hi thanx. yeah i agree x

[maddy harper]

i need to be careful in the sun as it burns my skin

i'm really pail skined

and i get freckles... aaaarg!