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Co Dependence Any One?


maddy harper

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I can only imagine how bad it is :( I often think I have symptoms beyond those of just depression/anxiety, but it's hard to tell and I guess ultimately it doesn't matter what I have, it''s about accepting it and dealing with it in the most healthy method I can.

I do find most forms of human contact difficult, it never seems to come very naturally. I don't know how to act around new people and even those I know well I often struggle to feel comfortable around or know what to expect.

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This hits home with me too.

I realise now only after my marriage ended last year that I lost myself almost completely in that relationship.

I now have a boyfriend and Im working really really really hard at doing it differently this time. So what am I trying to do, well;

- Not lose sight of things that are important to me outside of the relationship. My friends, this forum etc.

- Not cling to him, remember to take care of me.

- Say it when I really do need support or have an issue with something.

- Be there for him but not making taking care of him my life.

Things like that.Its hard for me but Im getting there and it helps greatly that he respects my boundaries, feelings etc.

To me its about the balance between becoming part of a couple yet not losing yourself.Staying true to your core values, needs, boundaries etc.

I know now that Id rather be alone then be with someone unhappily.

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i find trying to aulter my behaviour really difficult

i don't like becoming co dependent on anyone but it seems to keep happening with out me wanting it or knowing how to stop it, there's the other hard bit right there, trying to brake the cycle

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  • 2 weeks later...

DJJK - that post was really interesting, and I couldn't agree more. As someone who has spent most of my life being wildly independent, and torturing myself for ever stooping to the level of relying on anyone for anything, I have come to believe that this ideal of individualism is delusional.

It is impossible to live independently in modern society. Think of all of the people you rely on to live now. Someone has to grow your food. Someone has to distribute it. Someone has to sell it. Someone has to extract and supply your gas, electricity, take your rubbish. Someone had to build your house. If anyone of these services was removed this would affect your quality of life.

If this interdependence is needed for practical things, why not emotional too? I am not saying that this means that people should stay in all relationships - there are often very good reasons for leaving, but the idea that we should function on our own without emotional support from others is nonsense.

Romantic relationships all arouse strong emotions at the beginning - these serve a biological purpose, so you can form the bond needed to bring up children together. The strong feelings can cause you to lose attention from other areas of life. This is normal and natural, but, for some people, who are having difficulties with emotions such as bpd, it forms a way of escaping from the crap. A distraction. After all, falling in love is fun! A lot of the other stuff you are dealing with is not. So it's easy to get caught up in this. Then when this passes, and the nasty feelings creep back, they affect your relationship. If you have emotional issues, chances are, your partner is also likely to have emotional issues, so you will rub off on each other. You think your relationship is co-dependent or whatever, but that is not a helpful way of looking at the problem. You don't need this person, but you do need someone, and you feel this is all you have, because we get lonely, because you got so caught up in love at the beginning and lost sight of all else.

These are my thoughts on it anyway. I don't really believe there is value in labelling everything as dysfunctional or co-dependent. We are all human beings and have emotional needs and desires, many of which we expect from our sexual partners. When they don't get met, things screw up. The only real issue in relationships is trying to make them work and/or knowing when to get out.

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I'm not sure I want to want someone, if that makes sense. It just makes me feel so vulnerable and that I'm no longer in control of my emotions.

But I know I still need someone...it's so confusing, I don't know what to feel or how to act. Cynical and withdrawn one moment and hopeful and idealistic to the next...:(

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i think finding the balance bitween needing someone in your life but not to become co dependent is a really difficult issue for me

this i struggle with really badly

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also when i'm with someone they become my world which isn't good but i cant seem to stop it. or brake the cycle

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Co-dependent? Not me.

We should be best friends starting right now!

I don't know what else to say, but here goes, I bet I still manage to say at least a paragraph.

I am co-dependent, I too get quickly attached and then abandoned. If the point is to show there's another going through that, then yeah. Right here. All my life.

Usually what happens is I'm so open about myself and asking others about themselves so fast, they get freaked out, thinking it's insincere and I'm plotting something....what, I have no idea. The saddest part being I don't play games. I ask in an attempt to connect, I simply don't know or understand how to go slow about it.

Maybe everyone else needs to hurry up?

It overwhelms, it seems, and people keep away. Keep away because I wanted to know them.

Oh, universe....*shake fist* You have a twisted sense of humor.

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i hate becoming co dependent on people but i cant seem to stop it

then i wonder why i get left all alone in the end

that bit hurts...

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm the same!

I am super "needy" with my friends (have lost friends through this) and I fall in love/get hurt very easily. It is a nightmare!!! I'm really trying to work on that at the moment but old habits die hard!

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I'm the opposite I won't depend on anyone I deliberately keep everyone away so I can't be hurt and no one can get close which causes trouble because people give up after a while cause I come across as not interested, reality is I'm too easy hurt and I don't want the hassle and stress of making friends just to be hurt .

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