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maddy harper

Anna! ! [Could Trigger]

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maddy harper

i've not eatin anything since sat night, nothing at all.

i'm even limmiting my fluid intake now.

what the fuck is wrong with me??!!

anna is being so distructive to me.

i'm now calory counting things even though i'm not eating

i don't understand

i hate my head!!! fuckin bpd/anorexia!!!

thanks for taking the time to read/responde in advance.

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b0bulat0r

Maddy :(

do you know what happened on Saturday to trigger this?

that is a long time to go without eating, you need to eat and to drink as well,

I had a period of time where I couldn't eat without throwing up, I had energy drinks to keep body sugars and salts up, but even then i lost about 2 stone and I fell very ill,

maybe I can be a voice telling you to eat, I can be quite a loud and shouty voice if I need to be :)

would that help?

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maddy harper

the doctor knows about my eating disorders as its in my notes from when i was in hospital.

they have given me build up drinks to try help me put on waight.

i havent lost any you'll be pleased to know

the drinks seem to be stopping me from dropping even more than i all ready have.so that cant be a bad thing.

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maddy harper

i had a really bad flash back in the night on friday, i think that's what triggered this bout off

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maddy harper

thanks for your reply bob...

i am really struggling today

i still havent eatin anything. and i'm scared

i'm drinking though now which is a start but it still isn't food is it???

my friend made me some pasta last night and when i picked up the bowl i felt really sick looking at it in my hands...

i know i cant look at it really, just a figure of speech.

i'm hate my self!!!

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b0bulat0r

I'm sad that you hate yourself, I think you are a lovely person who is very kind and compassionate to others.

I am worried about your health, not eating for so long is going to have a detrimental impact on your health,

you need to eat to stay healthy, I am sorry the prospect of food is making you feel sick,

have you had this before in the past? what normally works to get you back to eating again?

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maddy harper

theproblem i have is this...

when ever i eat food it makes me feel dirty inside

where as if i don't eat anything i feel clenzed and clean inside

my teeth are all broke up because years of being sick all the time

so much so that the dentist wants to remove them entirley and give me plates

thats how bad they are

i can still eat with them though which is a mirical in its self

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maddy harper

i had 4 slices of jam on toast this morning

that's a start

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maddy harper

still struggling with anna tbh

i forced my self to eat something yesterday but i hated the feeling of the food in my stomach

[[[no perdging]]]

so what i ate stayed down...

i like the feeling of being empty, clean and clenzed when i don't eat food

can anyone else relate to that???

i know that this is totally fucked up but its me...

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maddy harper

today the urdges to perdge have been as strong as i can remember

trying to fight them but not sure how much longer i cant give in for

i know, i know, i've done really well and it would be a shame to ruin the pattern but there just to strong.

HELP!!!

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pennx

Maddy, I hope you are safe first and foremost

Ive been struggling with mia since I was about 7 (I am 21 - as of today!) and want to let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I too go through phases of fasting anywhere up to ten days usually and have a very restricted diet... all the time I am not bingeing

Ive had to spend £1500+ now on dental work because of purging and need 3 more root canals so I also relate to your dental trauma! For that reason I have forced myself to stop perging.

Dissimilar to you (I think?) my binges are so excessive (20,000 kcal per day usually) I have gone from a bmi around 19 to 29+ and could not quite put into words just how traumatic it is to look in the mirror. Today is my 21st birthday and rather than be happy and having the time of my life I have been awake since 2am feeling sick from yesterday's binge already panicking what I'm going to wear that doesn't make me look too disgusting or show people how much bigger I am and if it takes 13 outfit changes just to leave the house like it did yesterday then why even bother?

Sorry. I fell into the trap of my own pig ignorant selfishness.

The point of my post was that you are not alone. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are worthy of love, good health and happiness.

There is nothing wrong with gratification in feeling cleansed when you are empty, but please remember to cleanse your body also with the healthy foods that help it work and help you to flourish. Fruit, vegetables and nuts are an excellent place to start. You can maintain comforting cleansed feeling and know your body is also doing well for it.

Lots of love xxxx

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maddy harper

i've not perdged any food since last feb...

eating little and offen right now

baby steps...

that's what's gonna get me over this i hope

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maddy harper

i've been struggling with perdge urdges really hard recently but i havent done anything

so i'mdoing well right???

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Barebones

Maddy have u never went to doctors or seeked help in your eating?

Your doing some first steps but u need to get some little help with ur problem in eating.

So is there any help u getting are u diagnosed with eating disorder? If so ask for help if u can xx

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pennx

Maddy you are fabulous well done :) keep channelling that strength. We are all rooting for you xxx

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maddy harper

i'm on build up drinks from the dr to help me put on waight

they work to a certain digree

they stop me dropping to much waight wise.

they taste really sweet because they're laktos based

they really nice tbh

especiially the chocolate, strawberry, banana and vanila one

the coffee/mocha flavours are horible how ever and i hate drinking them ones...

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Tiffany01

Be cool man, I don't anything and I mean anything at all for 24 hour only. It's not a big deal. My brother don't eat anything at night for over 12 years

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maddy harper

i'm still struggling with food tbh

its an issue for me still

i'm still not eating properly and i don't know why

i hate my self

so, so, so, much

aaaaarg!!!

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maddy harper

i have no intrest in food

i don't waant to smell it, touch it, eat it...

don't wanna do any of that atm

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maddy harper

the urdges to perdge have come back big time

i don't know what to do about them when ever i have tryed to talk to my dr about it they don't see it as a major issue

i'm on build up drinks from the doctor but i don't take them

there is no point

they will only make me fatter than i all ready am.

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maddy harper

now that they have put me on the morphine i don't wan eat anything really

i feel really sick all the time....

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Lapwing

:hug2: no helpful advice to offer I'm afraid, I have similar issues and thoughts as you at times and haven't found a way through, despite 1 year as a day patient at an ED clinic... that's no help is it? Sorry - I wanted to try and offer something positive to hold on to... I hope that knowing you've been heard and understood might help a bit? x

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Threemoons

Offering you many warm hugs. Sorry I'm no more of an help. Might I ask why you're on morphine? Hope it's not a too serious problem. Take good care of yourself and drink your build up drinks when you can. ;)

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