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It's Getting To Me


artemis84

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Caught my reflection in a door at work...had to look twice as I didn't recognise the fat body that was walking alongside my colleague.

Said to someone today that "I've put on so much weight recently".... they replied not "no you haven't" but "well it looks good on you".

Weigh now more than I ever have before, even after re-feeding in hospital...old thoughts are really taking hold.

I know it is the new drugs I've started but I should be more careful, I need to eat less. I NEED TO EAT LESS.

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Hello I'm am sorry I cannot focus But I wish for you The same as I am trying to achieve Release for peace without harm A safe night And a better tomorrow Mbb

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  • 3 months later...

But do you really need to lose weight? When you have an eating disorder, what you see in your reflection is rarely the truth. I often feel horrified at the sight of myself, shocked at how fat I've got but I'm comparing myself to the boney, underweight, anorexic body I used to have.. Everyone else just sees a healthy body.

If you are genuinely overweight or carry more than necessary and want to lose a little, just swap other foods for fruits and vegetables, not only will you lose weight but you'll fill your body with living energy foods, vitamins and minerals. You can eat heaps of fruits and vegetables and still lose weight. Not eating will eventually do more harm than good.

Please don't listen to any negative voices saying don't eat or eat less. You need to take it slowly and take care of yourself. Eat slowly, drink lots of water, keep active and aim for a healthy body. You're beautiful, be happy x

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Thank you for your reply.

I know I am not clinically overweight, my BMI is still in the 'healthy' range. I still struggle with the concept that I am a recovering anorexic though - in my head I am not ill, was not ill at all.

You are right, other people see me as healthy but I am out-growing my clothes, continuing to put weight on, and the thoughts continue to enter my mind.

Sometimes I'm not strong enough and I do listen to them.

Why is everything in my life so much of a fight??

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  • 3 weeks later...

I struggled, (struggle?) with eating disorders (both anorexia and bulimia) for many years. I found it incredibly difficult when I out grew my clothes. I like to dress well, and when I gained, as I needed to, I found it hard to cope with the ways my clothes began to fit (or didn't fit). There was always that voice in my head that said "don't waste your money on new clothes, you are too big, you must lose it again", but actually one of the best things I did was to go shopping. I gave away a lot of things and treated myself to new outfits that accommodate my new shape. I was sure I was ready to relinquish the ED and actually I probably deserved the new wardrobe for doing so.

It isn't easy, it took me 13 years (probably longer if you count the time I was undiagnosed) to finally surrender the disorder. But what I can tell you is that it IS possible, and it IS worth it.

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Thank you Brokenwings, your positivity is so encouraging to hear.

I have come a long way with my eating disorder in the last 5 years since my treatment, I know that, but like you say, having been battling with it for so many more years it is hard to really get rid of it.

I am having a real battle with ED thoughts at the moment - they are telling me to just fast for a while to lose the weight and then go back to normal eating. I know that that won't work though, once I start not eating it will be impossible to stop.

I want to stop taking the meds that are increasing my appetite - I was managing to maintain my weight before I started them. But that won't work either, I was a real wreck when they started me on them, I can't go back to that.

If only I burnt calories by thinking. My mind is always in overdrive trying to fight all these thoughts, and when you combine them with all my other issues I would be able to keep things in check so much easier...

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I too am struggling with my ED thoughts at the moment. I have been maintaining my weight for a good 5 months now and lately I have gained. I am a healthy weight, and I know this, but it is still more than I am "happy" with (will we ever be happy with the number on the scales?). But I have to keep telling myself that being in the throws of an ED was pure hell, and I really want a family one day, and am probably not too far off having that. To me this is more important than my weight.

I have been on many medications, and the weight-gain side effects are hard to handle. But, you have to weigh up the psychological benefits. There is no point in risking your sanity for a number.

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I think you have the right attitude Br0kenw1ngs. I hope that you get the family you desire, that is certainly a good motivating factor.

I am trying to keep myself away from the scales at the moment - I know if I see the figures I will be even more triggered.

I would like a family one day too and I know eating disorder history can affect this happening but I am a long way off being in a situation where that is likely right now. I guess I just have to keep strong and believe that one day the future may be brighter and I may have a life where it can be real.

I am sending you hugs Br0kenw1ngs, and hope you know that I am thinking of you as we fight the ED demon together :hug2:

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I think youve lived with and acted on such thoughts for so long its no wonder theyre still trying to presist. But boy it must be hard. Maybe it helps if you recognise those thoughts for what they are; oh there they old, the old anna voices, how annoying. And then just let it be there. You know thats not what you truly want.

How admirable you came so far already! Can you grab back on things that helped you come this far?

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  • 2 months later...

Just thought I would drop in and find out how you are going?

I bought myself some new jeans last week.....a dress size larger and while it took some getting used to (and yes, I did cut the labels out.....) the fact that they fit and are comfortable is starting to outweigh the fact that they are probably the biggest jeans I have ever worn.

Hold on to your want for happiness, and we all know eds do not make you happy. It's torture and you are worth more...

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Hi Br0ken W1ngs,

Thank you for your post. I am pleased to hear that you are doing well and managing to battle your ed demons. I think I need to finally adjust to the fact I have gone up a dress size and buy some new clothes that fit rather than constantly despairing as I just squeeze into my current ones. Perhaps cutting the labels out could actually help me.

I haven't got on the scales for about 6 months now - I am so scared about what they would read. The thing is, it is really hard to monitor whether I have managed to stabilise my weight at this new higher level or if it is still going up. I am trying to eat more healthily and sensibly but I am still feeling the side effects of the medication that makes me hungry. I guess the important thing though is that I haven't given in to the anorexic thoughts. Occasionally I get a more severe pang of guilt that I am overweight and fat and need to restrict and I skip a couple of meals but I know it is wrong and so far I have managed to pull it back on track.

I start a new job soon and things are quite stressful as I am losing my therapist in the next couple of weeks too (due to nhs constraints, not because I am better) so I know it's going to trigger ed things as they always get worse when I am under pressure. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes...

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Thank you Steve, that means a lot.

Today I did it. I bit the bullet and bought a pair of jeans in the next size up. It was a real impulse buy and I didn't really deserve to spend the money on myself but I had to do it. (I guess the impulsivity traits of BPD were useful for once!)

They do fit a lot better and objectively, they don't look TOO bad. I know it's only one item of clothing and hardly my whole wardrobe but I'm kind of proud of myself...

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