Saharah Blue Posted July 18, 2014 Report Share Posted July 18, 2014 There is so much about BPD that is long term oriented, it is really hard to keep finding that light at the end of the tunnel. Good things Today: 1. Payday 2. I paid all my bills first thing 3. Repaired my broken phone, and just extended its life. 4. Updated my resume and sent it off to a recruiter that had contacted me about a job last week. 5. Order a new modem, this one keeps dropping the wifi 5. Ordered custom car mats I know these things seem small but I can clearly think of a time not so long ago, that I would have been stressed on payday because my employer (at the time) was not meeting payroll I would have fretted over bills and expenses because my MH was making me miss work frequently and I didn't feel like I could count on myself. The mere idea of considering a job move would instill panic, anxiety, and a fear of failure. But, I this is not how I feel. I feel proud of myself and happy because I can see how learning to re-frame my thinking is what has made this day a good day instead of a fretful one. This has taken so long. I remember about 3 years after my dx my T and Pdoc were really patting me on the back for making such good progress, but inside I felt the same pain and fears. I could see it myself, I couldn't feel it. Today feels like one of those little milestone days where I really can see how all the hard work in T has paid off. Yes, I still worry about money, but I am not frozen in fear. Yes, I still find the idea of not making good in a full time job daunting, but I really feel like if there was ever a time I felt confident (I know what other things need to be in balance to make it work), it is now. I still don't have any long term life goals yet. I still can't seem to make love work for me, or learn to trust and have friendships up close. But, I really believe that it will be okay. I don't have to have all the answers. I just have keep using my new skills and pursuing things that make me feel calm, safe, & happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted July 19, 2014 Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 What a lovely positive post Saharah Blue, something we all need to read and something we all need to write about when that time comes for each of us Good luck with the job hunting With love always x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted July 19, 2014 Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 Oh, I'm so happy for reading this post! Thank you, Saharah for sharing your positive thoughts. It's all heartwarming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted July 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 It does feel rather good to be able to post in good day & recovery. Just keep at it everyone it does have pay offs to do the hard work. For me, I would say the biggest has been reducing my general anxiety enough to participate in life and reducing my separation anxiety so I can stop inwardly panicking when someone I love and want close leaves my radar. Stuff is still there mind you, it is just I feel more in control how to handle it when it crops up. It is like I can see the wave coming now. I could never do that before, it all seemed to happen so fast. Thanks Daisy and 3moons May there be many more proud moments to come *clink* cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted July 19, 2014 Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 This is lovely to read. I've been feeling really bad about things lately but your post helps me to let myself think for even a second that things can be okay, that they do improve, and that means a lot to me. A lot of your posts resonate with me and they always are filled with so much strength even when you're in a difficult period, your awareness of what goes on for you and the work you do to help yourself is something I really admire about you. Hope you go from strength to strength xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted July 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 Yeah, before I would been triggered by every one of the those things listed. I would have felt horrible for not having a perfect enough life. Upset that stuff was broken and needing to be fixed, I would been upset at myself for not having enough money to make life smoother. I would have been upset that there was no one to help make things better, upset I had to go it alone. Things do get better, changing up your perspective and being will to look at another angle of the same situation can be night and day. Thanks Kit, things do get better and it okay if they do not happen all at once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted July 22, 2014 Report Share Posted July 22, 2014 That all sounds so fantastic - I do hope that you feel proud for achieving things by working hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted July 26, 2014 Report Share Posted July 26, 2014 They don't seem like small things at all. I think I've only done one of them in my whole life! Some things haven't been relevant for me yet but they all sound like things that have the potential to be stressful - and even just the potential is enough to stress you out. They're all things that could go wrong, things that could cause trouble if they went wrong. And all completely different things as well, it's not always easy switching from achieving one thing to thinking about something completely different. The fact you have the mental energy to do all this stuff in one day is amazing too. But I think maybe the best thing of all is that you can see you're doing well. That can be the hardest thing of all, noticing and recognising and acknowledging it. Congratulations Sah. You really have done so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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