Voices

[lonelyheartemma]

I was playing the cello yesterday and all the time my mum was going on at me, saying the piece was too difficult for me and it sounded awful. It was very upsetting.

But then I realised something even more upsetting. She wasn't in the room. She was downstairs. The voice was just in my head.

So now I don't know how many of the bad things she said to me are real. I'm sure some of them are but how many?

Some things are real. She really did shake me and push me against the wall. I've been thinking about that recently. I've heard an impatient edge in her voice that's reminded me. At least I think I heard it. How do I know what's real?

She says the doctors think I'm just an attention seeker who is obsessed with getting more drugs. I'm sure she did say that. It was at the dinner table. No I don't want drugs, all I want is to feel better like they PROMISED me I would if I did as they said. So I did as they said and now I'm physically much worse and they won't listen to me.

Anyway I'm coming off some of my medications. I've cut down from 3 painkillers a day to 2. It's ok atm but since I did it I've been dreading my period (sorry to anyone who didn't want to know about that) because I always get really bad pain. But today I thought "yay it's my period soon, I can have loads of painkillers". So why did that thought pop into my head?

Also I'm going to cut down from 3 amitriptylines to 2 because I think it's slowing my brain down and I don't like it. I'm going down to 2 and a half first and see how I feel. If I feel suicidal I can go back to 3 again. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it but not the doctors. If they're not going to listen to me then I'm not telling them anything. Waste of breath.

[Saharah Blue]

Wow what a breakthrough both scary and so full of self awareness. I don't hear voices like yourself, but I have had many many instance where I was similarly question my version of reality. When I was younger (teen) my Dad use to say, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the whole world is not out of step but that you are. I use laugh out loud and say don't be ridiculous.

Later it stuck though. This is big since if it has this much weight to it, it may be a thought distortion you are able to regain the upper hand on. But I can hear in your post it has knocked you a bit sideways and I get that part and why ((((emma)))) just take it slow while you find ways to verify the different truths and perceptions you face.

Love,

Sah

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Sah! I was actually just replying to one of your posts and it's so lovely you were replying to one of mine at the same time.

I'm so glad I've got therapy the day after tomorrow, I really want to talk about this.

sorry gtg have dinner now so I'll come back later but thank you for replying Sah. I have so many mixed feelings about this and I was so glad to get a reply from you, I am grateful for all replies of course but I feel like you know me and my background so you understand the things I haven't explained and it means so much that you were so supportive.

[lonelyheartemma]

Sah I thought at first that it was the rest of the world that was wrong too. Then when I realised it was me who was wrong I just thought I was so evil and terrible. Then people validated me and said yes sometimes people are really horrible to me. Now this.

I think everyone's perception of reality is probably wrong in some ways. The same words can be used to express so many different things. Body language doesn't always help. My favourite teacher at school always sat with her arms folded and everyone loved her, there was no aggression in her folded arms. It can all be affected by what you're expecting someone to say, what you are afraid someone is thinking, what you are hoping they are thinking. And people don't always say what they mean, sometimes it comes out wrong and they don't realise, sometimes they use language wrongly, sometimes a word has different meanings like in different dialects or colloquially/formally, probably no one's perceptions will always be right.

But it probably is possible to improve your perceptions, you can learn more about different people, you can learn ways of coping with paranoia, ways to keep expectations realistic. And even if you don't know the true reality there are times like me with the voices now you can say "well the reality could be this and it could be this but I know it's not THAT" and you've narrowed things down a bit.

My mum isn't perfect, she can and has said some cruel things but she probably didn't say every cruel thing I remember hearing so she isn't as cruel as I thought she was and that's a good thing. I am living with a complete monster but it's only a complete monster in my head and in a way it's much easier to deal with something in your head. I don't have any control over what my mum says to me because she's a different person from me. I might never get complete control over the monster in my head but I have some control already because I can hear it and think "yes I heard that but no one said it, its not real". And I could think oh shit I'm crazy, I'm hearing all these voices. Or I could think I'm getting saner now because I finally know they aren't real.

Thank you Sah xxx

[Saharah Blue]

I was thinking along those lines too, how stuff in your head can be managed up to a point. Shifting your perspective can make or break a moment. Even knowing there is a way to reframe it can foster a calm or soothing salve to the crazy feelings.

[addy2]

Emma I struggle with this too and I always doubt my perception of a situation it's horrible. When I have written in the past what my partner does to me everyone says he is abusive and yes he is but see my head doesn't work like that to me yeah he's abusive but maybe I'm wrong maybe everyone is like that. I even had counselling from woman's aid and they said he is abusive in many ways but I live in denial and I block it and when we fight and he says I'm wrong then I believe him my perception is that I'm wrong and always am and it's always my fault although a part of me is screaming at me like why don't you do something even my 11yr old daughter asked why was I still with her daddy and I asked why and she said cause he treats you so bad. Sorry I rambled in this about me but I was trying to explain that although our perception can be wrong it can be wrong in a whole different way rather than us being wrong we could be right but our perception refuses to let us see that we are possible right. Now I've confused myself sorry I just wanted to say I can relate xx