Painkiller Addiction Progress

[lonelyheartemma]

I get 100 painkillers every 4 weeks.

2 months ago as usual I ran out of painkillers early. I started the next lot at a similar rate. I officially took 3 a day but quite often took more. Even if the pain is very small I would often take an extra one. On a bad day I took about 7 (maximum is 8 a day).

Then I watched a TV programme about a depressed alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink but I looked at him and thought, that's me. That's how I think and feel. The most obvious thing that caused it is painkillers because I take tons. So I decided to cut down on my painkillers. I didn't want to be like him. So now I take 2 a day and on a bad day I take 4 or 5.

Last month I had 30 painkillers left when it was time to get the next lot.

I'm still addicted. When I am in a lot of pain and I know I'm 'allowed' to take more painkillers I get excited. I woke up today, realised I was in lots of pain and thought "yay I'm in pain, I can take loads of painkillers!" Until last month a day like today would have meant 6-7 painkillers. Today I'm trying not to go over 4.

But taking 2 a day actually isn't all that bad. I'm in slightly more pain sometimes but not enough to stop me from doing what I want to do. I have my 2 and then I think "no more" and I can usually stick to that. Once or twice I've been in pain and actually forgotten I could take more if I wanted but usually I'm still very aware of the painkiller situation because it's still something I think about a lot.

But I'm doing ok I think.

[Threemoons]

Nice to know you're doing okay. Take care, dear beautiful friend.

[artemis84]

Good work, well done! Keep it up

[chrisgarrett]

I no the feeling ive been take co codomal 30/500 for ages now and usually cain more than 100 a month... I guess it numbs more than physical pain huh

[lonelyheartemma]

It does seem that way Chris doesn't it?

but maybe it just numbs the desire to take more.

[chrisgarrett]

I dunno. is it just an addiction or does lifes stress and general day to day crap become to difficult to deal with

[lonelyheartemma]

Maybe that's all addiction is, a response to the crapness of life. If something does help even a little bit isn't it natural to want more of it?

But I do think it is bad for me and I don't think it really helps. I think it slows down my brain which is pretty slow to start with. I've cut down from 3 to 2 anti depressants too. I don't feel any worse so it doesn't seem like it's done me any harm so far :/

[Settng Sun]

Yeah, you're doing great. Just like I said you were

But also, your awareness of what you're doing is key here, Emma. I'd love to have that when I'm the middle of a late evening eating binge or I bring back loads of crap from the supermarket on a bad afternoon. I do take comfort in sitting here and at least having that much awareness, though, and I figure it's an important start.

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Setting Sun (I haven't forgotten your name but I won't use it on the forums unless I know you are ok with it, some people only use real names in pm)

I think it's probably easier with painkillers than food, at least in some ways. With painkillers there's always limits- the maximum dose on the packet and the number the doctor gives you. The only thing that limits food is how much money you have and I think unhealthy foods are often cheaper?

I really want another one or at least half of one but it's like I've got this knowledge in my head that I can't have anymore. it just doesn't seem to be an option even though I've got loads of them and taking 1 more won't be an overdose. I think it's a good sign but it is quite freaky because it's not the kind of thing I'd usually think.

Oh well if aliens want to take over my mind and make me do good things they can go ahead. And if they get the urge to make me believe I'm a nice person that's fine with me. (obviously I know it's not real aliens it just feels that way)

[Threemoons]

Lol, knowing that you're a nice person is a good thing, Emma. It's also good that you won't take any more painkiller, you've been abusing them too much already. At least let your body recover. I send you huggies.

[lonelyheartemma]

Abusing?

I have fibromyalgia. I was/am in genuine pain. Just because I can cope without them it doesn't mean the pain isn't real.

I'm sorry. The thought that I'm an abuser really hurts. I'm not ready for that word yet.

[Threemoons]

Alright, I'm very sorry then. Didn't want to make you feel bad. It's just that I'm worried for you, I shouldn't have used this word. I hope you'll forgive me. :/

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you for caring, it's really nice of you to care about me. I just don't want to have the same label as some of the horrible people who have damaged the lovely people on this site. But I'm sure you weren't saying that. You have always been lovely and kind and warm hearted and I know that hasn't changed. I hope I didn't become an abuser in my reply to you :/ I'm sorry Threemoons.

I feel funny about forgiving you when you haven't actually said anything wrong. But I do forgive you for using a word you couldn't have known would upset me. Even I didn't know it was a trigger word for me till just now so you definitely couldn't know.

I remember now that English isn't your first language- in case you were wondering you used the word completely correctly.

I'm sorry for hurting you Threemoons. Abusing drugs is bad but hurting a friend is much worse.

[Threemoons]

You didn't hurt me, dear Emma, the only thing that hurt me was the possibility of having hurt you. If you say all's right that's fine. I still want to apologize though, as I really shouldn't have used this word. My mistake, I'm very sorry.

[lonelyheartemma]

There's nothing to apologise for but I'll accept your apology if it makes you feel better in any way.

But it's not your fault the word abuse is a big problem for me and not your fault that the English language doesn't have enough words. It wasn't you who hurt me. It's my memories that hurt and my sensitivity that stirs everything up.

((((Threemoons)))) xxx