Philophobia Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 I hate saying this, especially to a bunch of strangers because I really don't want to be judged. BPD has ruined my life to a stage that I really don't have one at all. I don't have friends and I don't have family other than my children. Without them I know for certain I'd of given up long ago and frequently I wish I didn't have them so that I can give up. But I won't because I can't let them grow up as messed up as I am. I get through life by distraction only. Uni, unhealthy relationships (they only last a few months) and kids, that's it. I don't go out, don't socialise, don't receive texts, calls. As soon as I don't have a distraction I quickly fall into despair at the reality of my life. I sit in isolation talking to no one. Right now it's the holidays so I have no work to do and the kids are on holiday with their dad. I started full of intention to keep busy by decorating which worked for a while! One trigger too many though and I turn to self-harm and can't function. Right now I have an ex who (bless him) is trying to be a friend but I've already hurt him on many occasion with vile texts after he's unknowingly hurt me. I can't push him away too because then there's nothing. I don't receive any medication or therapy at all and I'm really struggling now and desperately need friends and people in my life, this loneliness and worthlessness is the worst pain I've ever had and I need it to stop. I've tried looking for a private DBT therapist but can't find one and I daren't go to the GP. Can anyone suggest anything? R x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisgarrett Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 Hi Philo Firstly please dont feel stupid for talking to "strangers" sometimes there are the best people... take a therapist for example they dont know you from adam....Secondly you dont have to appologise to any of us lothere asmost of us have our own demons to deal with so know exactly what itslike to feel somewhat isolated fromthe norm so to speak.... and thirdly you have just reached out andnow you have more friends than you think.... I am sure there will be alot of peopleon here who will be a friend to you... You children are obviously important to you as you stated they are a driving force... This is good as it gives you foundation to buildon. remember rome wasnt builtn all that. Take one day at atime. You say that you have BPD then go and seek help with a therapist. I have and itshelped a lot. Finallysomeone gives ashit without judging me....I can whine moanbitch arguehell pretty muchsay what thehell i like to get it offmy chest....Keep strong ok.... And above all talk... either on here or to someone..... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philophobia Posted August 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 I do honestly try to talk but I am ignored. Literally. I rarely see/speak to my dad but yesterday he came by as I was sat on the sofa covered in snot and tears and he said nothing. Dropped some fruit off for my kids and left. I have many more examples and God I wish I were exaggerating but no one will help. I want help but I'm honestly petrified to go to a GP and be dismissed as an attention seeker and there's no one to go with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisgarrett Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 OK well firstly your not being ignoredotherwise I for one would not sit here and reply or comment.secondlyI doubt very much your GP would dismiss you, Its there job to listen. If that doesnt work ask for a second oppinion. what exactlyhave you got to loose. You state veryclearly you have no one yet you want help....seems tome like you have reasons there along with the two legged reasons you have at home..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted August 22, 2014 Report Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hi Philo! You're not alone, dear, you have all of us there to take care for you. I'm really willing to help. First of all, you're not an attention seeker for asking help, it's perfectly okay to do so. I believe it's important that you do it, cause no one should ever have to battle alone. Along with your GP you'll find help and support. Please do go for it. Secondly, don't fear talking with strangers, they have their own strengths and weaknesses and therefore they are able to help too. Don't deny yourself any mean of support please. I've turned to self-harm many times myself, it's not something to be ashamed of. Of course it's not ideal but heck, no one is perfect. Then, could you talk with your dad or a friend about your feelings and what's going on in your life? I'm very isolated myself, don't see any friend nor text or call nowadays. See, you really aren't alone. I want to reach out to you. Please let me support you in any ways you feel are appropriated. You can just ask anything, I believe all can be said as far as you remain polite. Are there activities you'd like to do? I think distracting is one of the best coping mechanisms I know. Maybe do some art, or go for a walk, cook something nice or watch TV. I'm sure there's something to do. Plus you may be really busy with your kids. I can feel they're really important to you. It's good that you have them to look after, they're giving you strength. I think you're very brave, don't dismiss it. You have your own strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else! It makes you unique and irreplaceable. Your life is very precious. I send you hugs and love, dear. Don't give up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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