Jump to content
Mental Health Forums

Wooo Hooooo People!


Riverspell

Recommended Posts

So, continuing in my update theme lately.

I'm sure some of you've probably noticed I'm more active than I have been. Welp, it's cause I've got good news!

Had my first therapy appointment in forever last week. She's already helping me lift my mood up some, actually made me genuinely laugh today without forcing it out. My third appointment is in September though cause she's got a packed schedule. But she's got me an appointment for a psych eval in the first week of October. So I could very well have a psychiatrist by my birthday on the 28th of that month!!! That'd be an epic present to have everything finally settled.

Because I've got the psych eval set up, my general doctor was finally willing to refill my psych medications so that I don't have to admit myself to a hospital to continue treatment until I had a new psych. That wouldn't be fun at all. As my old psychiatrist couldn't refill my meds. Now that I've got a script for them, Dr Wingfield (my old psych) closed my file as she was risking her job not doing so. I told her I'd miss her and I almost cried when she said she'd miss me as well and that she had a put a note in my file that she'd take me on again if my insurance changed to one her clinic accepted. She'd actually tried about a year ago to get me a special permission but it didn't work out.

Now that all that is settled I'm not freaking out as bad and my stress and anxiety is greatly reduced. Though I am still jumpy as all get out. Someone set off a massive firework the other day and I actually practically climbed my mom like they do in cartoons. At least it made her laugh. She was in the hospital this week for a few days as a major type of white blood cell in her body (not T cells) hit 0.04 (a normal person is 5.0 or above) and was super sick. They got her back to normal level but couldn't figure out what was wrong. She's been discharged but still taking heavy duty antibiotics. Getting sick again though so we're watching it carefully in case she needs to go back.

Also, last night I believe I've made a good step in getting out of this tar pit I've been stuck in lately.

*some trigger here, not much*

I really wanted to cut last night. Had everything laid out and had the tool in my hand. In the past, once I'd set up and picked up that object, I have never been able to stop and put it down. Ever. I'd just continue and not care one bit about what it'd mean later. But last night was different. Besides my dog knowing exactly what I was doing and trying her best to dissuade me, I also actually considered things for once. I thought about how bad it was last time, that It had taken me forever to get the bleeding to stop. And that I'd be cutting really close to my wrist this time to actually sate and shut up the urges to just finish myself. This made me realize and think about how everyone had reacted to last weeks incident and then I considered that my cousin and my sister had troubles with cutting and were struggling. Something just practically shouted at me that this was a horrid example. And for the first time in 4 years of doing this, I put the razor down.

I put the razor down.

Stuffed the items back in their box and curled up with my frantic, now happier dog, and clung to her while I had an honest to goodness sobbing breakdown that I hadn't been able to have in forever. I'd told myself no, told the voices fuck off and for once in my life realized that this really wasn't going to help in the long run. I cried until I couldn't and then got up, grabbed my usual comfort drink of black tea and drank it down with my pills. Rachel clung to me all night, pressing herself against me and practically humming until I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and realized what I'd done last night and for once in these last several months didn't have a morning cry. Instead I rolled over, greeted my silly acting dog and actually got out of bed before noon despite my appointment not being until 3. Actually changed my clothes, did my hair and ate something instead of just waiting until dinner to take a couple bites and forget about food afterword. For once in months I felt happy with myself and shook off the aching lethargy that's always come with my depression and set about taking advantage of the good day.

Yeah, it probably won't last. I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling like shit and hating the world again. But hell guys, I had a good day. And you've got to celebrate every single one of those when they finally happen.

Yup. Things are looking up and I'm going to try and take full advantage of it. I know things'll crash again eventually. But that's the nature of mood disorders and there's not much I can do about it.

I'm feeling proud of myself guys and I refuse to be ashamed of that fact.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey River, these are pretty good news! I'm so happy for you, that you finally had a good day. Things can still crash tomorrow but for now just be proud and celebrate this moment. If ever dark times come in, try to remember this good day and say yourself there will be many others. I'm so so proud of you, River. You're wonderful, dear. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's so good to hear you sounding so positive Riverspell, I am really pleased for you - and proud of you for taking such steps forward :bigarmhug[1]: Well done!

I really hope things continue to go well for you now but even if there are a few bumps along the way, you can think back to this feeling and tell yourself, honestly, that things can and have got better. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you both so much for your replies. You gave me a smile after such a horrid day. It's nice to know people are out there who really do care.

*lots of hugs*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...