Accepting "me".

[Eagleheart]

Face to face,there are very few people i can stand being around.Infact,you could count them all on one hand,with digits to spare.

Now,i've always allowed that fact to make me feel dysfunctional & "odd".

But in the past few weeks,i've come to accept that it is just part of me,of who i am.

I have no time for shallow chit-chat.Never have.Does that make me a snob? I used to think so.

But now,i think it is a fundamental element that makes me,me.

I am "happiest",or most comfortable with my own company.That's been true since i was a child.

I feel uncomfortable & unable to relax around other people.Even people i call friends are too unsettling to be with for longer than an hour.

Of course,there are times when i am overwhelmed by what i perceive to be loneliness,but i have to say that any time i have acted on those feelings & sought out company,i have been left feeling hollow & dissatisfied.

Many people think i am downright unfriendly,but i really am not.I am just me.I have good manners so would never blank someone.I will engage in idle chatter,if i am backed into a corner with no means of escape.But my natural tendency is to stay removed from society.

I am now in a place where i can accept things about myself that society says are UNacceptable.

If people find me offensive or unfriendly or rude,well,that's THEIR problem,not mine.

[artemis84]

Eagle, firstly I want to say how good it is seeing you post in 'good day and recovery'! I know you are going through a really tough time of it but it is amazing that you can still have this breakthrough at the same time. (Sorry if that sounds patronising - that's not how I meant it!)

I am renowned in my family for not talking unless there is 'something to be said'. My mum says I have always been like it - even as a kid - whereas my brother would chatter all day long. I don't see the point in small talk either and really find it hard to engage in with others. Sometimes I know I come across as really stand offish and grumpy because I'd rather say nothing to people but that's just the way I am.

I am so glad that you can accept yourself like you describe. It is such an achievement. And you are so right:

If people find me offensive or unfriendly or rude,well,that's THEIR problem,not mine.

I hope you can remember this and build on it too.

[Threemoons]

Hey Eagle, so good to see you posting in good days! I feel very proud of what you said, that couldn't be more right, and you have all my agreement. Much love to you, dear. It's a relief to know that you still can have a bit of peace.

[mert]

Hey eagle hugs to you is all I can sayxxx

[Eagleheart]

Thanks all.

It's not easy though.

The voice,always there,ready to crush the smallest speck of positivity out of me.

I have to challenge Him & that is terrifying.

You just don't do that kind of thing.

Never question the truth that He spouts.

He will try to kill me now,for daring to post this.

[lonelyheartemma]

You don't seem unfriendly at all to me Eagle. You are always really kind and lovely to everyone on here. I know it's different offline. It is more difficult and this site is a much more supportive place to be in than the offline world. But it is possible to be a friendly kind person who prefers to be alone. A kind person is someone who shows kindness to other people when they need it and when it's possible to give it. A kind word from someone I see once a year would mean so much more to me than someone who is always physically there, talks to me regularly but doesn't really show kindness and understanding.

I don't think being alone is a bad thing. In some ways it's better to be happy in your own company because it means you don't have to depend on other people to give you happiness and satisfaction. You can do it all yourself. Society tells us how we are supposed to be but I think your way is completely reasonable and relevant. It doesn't interfere with other people's way of living (or probably not nearly as much as other people's ways of living interfere with yours).

I have these feelings of 'loneliness' too. You're so right that seeking people out never solves the problem. It just makes it worse because they don't know how to respond. It's always better to stay away. I have my imaginary worlds where people love me and say positive things to me and they are usually enough but it's hard sometimes because it takes mental energy to hear them and the more depressed I am the harder it is to hear their voices. Then there is just this emptiness where the voices are and then the bad voices start to come through instead. So then I go to my mum because I want her to say good things to me and drown out the bad voices but she joins in with the bad voices. It's stupid of me to go to her. I know she's not very good at emotional support. But sometimes I feel like I'm lonely and the natural thing to do is find someone to talk to.

I accept you and love you as you are Eagle. I know it's not easy but keep loving yourself as much as you can. You deserve all that love and so much more.