ItsJustNikki Posted November 23, 2014 Report Share Posted November 23, 2014 Their starting to see it. My friends, people at school, my parents. It's getting worse. Might as well have a neon sign with "BPD" lite up pasted to my back. It's so hard to put a finger on it! I wish I could catch it in my hand like worrisome mosquito and smush it. I cannot. My relationships are becoming hard to maintain. Everything will be fine, going along beautifully, and I just get overcome with unwelcome anger and self hate that I tear myself away from them. My moods are giving me whip lash. I can scarcely keep it balanced. If it's not one extreme its the other. Very black and white. Either I'm high on Life with the most foolish smile or I'm shot so low I can't see which way is up. I don't know who I am. If you asked me, I'd just shrug. My first impulse would be to name the obvious, but from there I'm lost. You'd never guess it. I'm either smiling to make you think "She's okay! She happy." Or I'm scowling to give the impression "Oh. She's just having a bad day." You'd never guess I struggle internally every second of my Life. You don't notice it when you look at me ~Nikki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Hi Nikki. I don't know what people see when they look at you. I think the only way to know if you really want an answer is to ask them directly. My experience is that we're often good at hiding our internal battles. Except during crisis, odds are that nobody guesses. Keep doing your best, it's the only thing you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted November 25, 2014 Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Hi Nikki, Are you getting help? You know a friend of mine used to say people are too busy with themselves to think too much when they look at you.I think thats true.I think you feel hyperfocussed about what others may think but theyre probably not paying much attention to it, you are just you to them. I hear your struggle and I can promise you this; it does get better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItsJustNikki Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Thank you all so much for empathizing. You could be right, I'm severely self conscious. Hyper focusing could be a main issue. I'm seeking help. Until then Imma just do what I do best and deal with it. Xox Nikki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mert Posted November 28, 2014 Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Hey take care of yourself ... Can't offer more but I identify with your bpd traits... And know how it feels... Stay safex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItsJustNikki Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 You're all amazing people. Thanks so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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