Threemoons Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 It's very common to lose sleep as a reaction of acute stress following a traumatic event. Or like Maddy said, as an effect of too much things going on in your head. Remember that you may have a lot going in your unconscious, it could be the cause of you not knowing why you can't sleep because more than half the stuff is hidden. I'm sorry that being active doesn't seem to improve things for you. If you didn't sleep better last night, did you call your GP back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 I didn't sleep so well but I didn't bother calling her I'm just tired and want to hide away. Your so right it's all the underneath stuff that's making it worse so much of it I can't access and when I try to I panic even when I try to talk about something related to it I panic. Hugs threemoons x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 Hugs to you Addy. You talk if you can manage it, I don't want to force you to. If it makes you feel too much panicky we can also talk about innocent things. It's up to you to guide our interactions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 Thankyou threemoons I went over alot of stuff in my head last night, does anyone find they have a part of them that denies all the abuse? I know it happened I have strong memories but I have a part of me that screams at me no your lying he didn't do that but the thing is he did why does that happen? I thought about things I haven't allowed in yrs I'm trying to find a way to tell my therapist and I thought what was safest to start with but then it went on to other stuff horrific stuff that I tried I forget and I felt a sinking feeling and I could hear a voice inside me screaming no shut up your lying now I have to fight with myself. Then I think maybe I am lying but I can't invent memories can I? But I know it happened at the same time, I'm confused. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 9, 2015 Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 Oh yes, I have a strong denying part too. This part also tells me that I'm lying, that I imagined it all, that it was not that bad, that it was just a game, that it was my fault, that it's not worth all the fuss, and so on. If mutism explains why no one out of the family knew for so long, deny explains why family members didn't either. I've even had hallucinations and delusions in the name of deny. Saw and heard things, developed a belief that they're not human. Therapy allowed me to lower the confusion but it comes back visiting my brain regularly. Sadly you didn't invent your memories and you're not lying. If it's too hard talking to your therapist, maybe you can write or draw something? I know it's hard. I still have a really hard time telling people, I must build some trust before and even then they often have to guess what I'm saying cause I can't pronounce certain words completely. Please talk to your therapist about your confusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 9, 2015 Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 I'm so sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 Thankyou both, I'm not feeling so good tonight I feel it's all too much I just want to get in the car and disappear. How do I cope with all this without loosing it totally the way I feel now I don't know what to do x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 9, 2015 Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 I don't know addy. I wish I had a suggestion, an advise... I wish I could change it for you... I am thinking and care a lot for you. Sorry I can't say more. But you're with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 Thankyou karaindrou you don't need to say anything just being there is enough, hugs xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 huge hugs addy. Xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 Hi Addy, how do you feel by now? Has the urge to disappear lessened? Please talk to your doctor about your feeling of it being too much. Don't wait, call him/her right now before you burst. Or the Samaritans. Or anyone you'd like. As many time a day as you need. We wish we could be with you, sit next to you and listen and try to reassure you. Remember that the feeling will ease, you "just" have to hold on a little longer (not simple, we know). Our heart goes out to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 ((((((Addy)))))) Lots of people have told me I dreamed the abuse or misinterpreted something nice as something horrible. I hear their voices in my head. Sometimes I believe them but at the same time I have this feeling it must be true. It's not just you who feels that way. I think in a way it's part of the abuse. Abusers often don't just want to say bad things, they want us to believe it too. I hope today is better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 Hi threemoons and Emma, im sorry you feel that way too Emma, it makes all confusing doesn't it, I know I'm not lying I know that for sure but I wish that voice would shut up. Today isn't good threemoons I went to do some shopping but I just wanted to walk out and walk away and never come back or get in the car and take all my meds with me I hate this feeling I just want to go with it but I know how much trouble it would cause for my kids and family but part of me doesn't care I so badly want to escape :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 Addy, please if the urges become too strong go to A&E. We want you to live, because I promise you you'll have good days but for that you must be alive. Your kids love you, keep thinking about them. We love you too even if it's not the same. Huge hugs to all those who struggle on this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 It means a lot that I have all of you it truly does, if I didn't I would be alone. I can't deal with the hassle I want the thoughts to go away and stay away I hate fighting I give in to easy. I do keep thinking on them that's what usually keeps me safe but then it reaches the point where nothing keeps me safe anymore if that makes sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 12, 2015 Report Share Posted January 12, 2015 hugs addy. Hope your ok now. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 12, 2015 Report Share Posted January 12, 2015 It makes sense to us as we can also reach a point where thinking of our loved ones isn't sufficient anymore. That's when hospitalization is a good idea to protect us while we are not safe out of hospital anymore. How is your day going? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2015 Its not so good I'm really low and struggling to stay on the safer side of things I've tried keeping busy but it just postpones it and things are taking over. I have an appt with my gp in the morning but I know I won't even be able to say what I have to . How is your day going threemoons? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 12, 2015 Report Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hi dear friend. Sorry you're still in the middle of the tempest. Would it be possible for you to write things down for your GP or print posts you wrote here? I think it's really important that he knows by some way, even if you don't feel able to say it out loud. Silence is our worst enemy, try to break it by any mean within reach. Postponing things is okay as far as your doctor is aware of the fragility of this state. Time gained can help them put support in place that will bring you a relief and support your healing process. Don't think that what you're doing is vain cause it's not. You're battling actively the illness and that's why you'll win, Addy. You'll win. Thank you for asking how my day's going, it's going well. I took some plants to help me sleep yesterday as I knew it would be difficult to fall asleep in our state of anxiety/frustration/sadness and I just wanted the sleep to turn off our brain. It worked pretty well, we've had a good night sleep with just a little nightmare but that didn't wake us like it usually does and we don't feel terrified by it. The only down side is that as we didn't wake up I've missed a different job offer that could have interested me. Well, can't travel back in time... Still feeling frustrated with things but we've calmed down now, it's not by being angry that things will change. I keep saying things to people in my head but my mouth won't articulate it. So I've written a letter for family but don't feel ready to send it yet, think I'll speak about it with our psychiatrist before. Seems like having his opinion on the subject is a good idea before involving family cause it will be a pretty big thing and we'll need support. Isn't it strange that sometimes we go to appointments feeling that we have nothing to say and at other times like now we think the session won't last long enough for us to say all! We send you many many kind thoughts. You are in my evening prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi threemoons I think I'm looking at being admitted if things don't improve I went to my gp and she said my meds are at the highest dose I can have as an out patient so said they are concerned as to how long it's lasted. Feeling low and tired today travelled the whole to Derry for a pd focus group meeting and it snowed heat when I was there and I had to come home again as the roads were so bad so just spent the past two hours getting home although I wasnt driving I'm exhausted. I'm worried now as to what next I don't want to go to hospital it scares me :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 13, 2015 Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi Addy. I understand you're scared, being admitted is scary. It's good that you're able to recognize it and search encouragement on here. My advice, although it's not easy, is to try not to focus on what's next but rather on the present moment. Go by baby steps. You're thinking of taking a very hard but also very reasonable decision. Well done for taking responsibility of your health and looking at things in the white of the eyes. It's frightening being so vulnerable but you'll be taken care of and have access to better treatments so you can come back stronger than ever. Staff in hospital are competent and they can help you. I have a lot of admiration for you, for still facing things in an adult way even when inside you're in absolute turmoil. I will continue thinking of you and praying for your recovery. I'm with you more than ever. Want to hold your hand and gently squeeze it to reassure you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Thankyou threemoons for being so supportive. Hosptial scares me I hate being locked in I hate them checking on me very 20 minutes I feel trapped. I know tomorrow I will go blank and son tbe able to say what I need through fear of what will happen. My gp has already written to my psychiatrist to make him aware of what's going on. I am so tired tonight again but so anxious so won't be able to sleep.xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 13, 2015 Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Sorry Addy, I relate to these fears. Afraid we're not going to be very useful tonight, we have a job interview on tomorrow (first in a year and a half) and we feel petrified. There are walls in our brain, it feels too tight for us all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 I really hope it goes well tomorrow for you threemoons you deserve to get this. Deep breaths, I'll be thinking of you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 13, 2015 Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Thanks, I'm thinking of you too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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