maddy harper Posted January 14, 2015 Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 huge hugs addy. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hugs to you too maddy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 how are you today addy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Not so good maddy feeling really depressed and anxious unsure what to do next x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hello, Addy. Still thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Thankyou threemoons, I'm not doing so good today I'm really disappointed in myself I couldn't get on the bus to go and meet the group I was meant to meet I woke at 7am shaking I feel so useless it's so frustrating. How's things with you ? Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 hope today is a better one for all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Sorry you've not been able to get on the bus, Addy. Maybe next time? Don't be too hard on yourself, I know you wanted to try. Is your sleep better now? I'm sick again today, our psych thinks it's a side effect of our antidepressant. Our tooth brush fell on the floor yesterday so I'm a bit paranoid that the sickness comes from viruses we put in our mouth but it's probably not that, he must be right. Told me to take the meds with more food but I don't think I can force myself to eat more so I'm worried it will continue making us sick more days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 hi again. Hope your night is a relaxing one. How about listening to some clasic f m to help make you drift off. It works for me. Just thought i would shair what works for me when i am having a anxious night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
complex-lemon Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hope you a little better addy.Good suggestion sometimes maddy, with classic fm, currently have that on right now. Warm bubble baths and sometimes opposite effect cold showers work for me sometimes too.Whatever going on for you right now addy, hope that it all comes to the best outcome in time for yourself.We all deserve that.Take care.Lemon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Thanks maddy and complex lemon, I'll be honest things aren't so good im scared it's stressing me being so depressed all the time it's getting me down. Thanks for the suggestion of music maddy. I was with my psychologist today she says I'm too unstable she had taken away any hope I had of ever moving forward it seems I'm too unstable for anyone to work with she said she won't discharge me that it wouldn't be fair but she's worried maybe she should be worried and maybe I should leave therapy it's horrible feeling no one can help me xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Sorry Addy, it's a horrible horrible feeling indeed. If therapy isn't an option right now, are the meds helping? Would you ask if she thinks you can read books on healing? I'm sorry, you must feel so terrible. Huge gentle and safe hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 The meds don't really help they maybe take the edge of that's it but the depression is kicking in again it always does after Christmas and lasts for months. I don't know maybe I need to just give up and accept this feeling is forever and no matter what I do I won't ever fe any better I have no hope left. I understand her point I really do I need a therapy that covers everything not just the abuse but it's not an option. I have a book called breaking free but it's not recommended to read it without support xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 I too am losing hope that I could live a normal life. Well, let's try to take one day at a time and not to predict things that have not happened yet. Feeling disillusioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 It must be... i don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry that it is so difficult for you addy and also threemoons. Such hopelessness..... it's so hard. So very hard. Maybe you don't want to hear this now and that's ok. You have tried so many times and made great efforts. What follows is an expression of my despair and reluctance in giving up hope. Maybe it's non-sense, an impossibility, but still it's in my mind. I believe that not everyone can start trauma therapy talking about it and remembering it in that way. I know that this is how most therapists work. There are other newer trauma therapies which focus is primarily on the body manifestations of the trauma. They believe that talking about the trauma may retraumatize the patient. As I have found in one website "By proceeding slowly, gently, and non-violently, an atmosphere of safety is created in which the client's defences can be examined and willingly yielded, rather than confronted and overpowered and new resources, especially somatic resources, can be developed." This is in relation to sensorimotor therapy for example. There are other (than sensorimotor) psychosomatic psychotherapies developed especially for people with PTSD, sexual abuse victims and developmental trauma. Maybe addy, maybe to accept that psychological state is a good thing but my gut reaction is to leave a door open to hope. Not to blind hope, no. But in fact, you haven't tried all therapies to make such a statement. I understand the fatigue, i understand the effort and years trying and trying. It's disheartening. And at times to accept ourselves as we are is what we really need. It's certainly part of the cure because we can only change from where we are.... A 'normal life'...... .... .... .... .... .... ..... ...... ..... ...... ..... ..... ...... ....... ...... ...... ..... ...... ....... As much as we can. Love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 I am so sorry you fe the same threemoons it's an awful feeling isn't it? I totally understand what you mean karaindrou and if this doesn't work then I have to accept that she said she's willing to go slow but she always says that and then she comes back telling me I'm unstable but she needs to know this is me and she has to accept me as I am she then went on to say she didn't want to leave me without support as she thinks it would go downhill badly she is so right it would. I hate feeling this way I can't stand the hopeless feeling and that I'm stuck this way forever. I could try that karaindrou but I don't function life isn't a life it's an existence if I don't have hope that I can improve it then there is no point if that makes sense? Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Yes addy, it makes sense. Maybe that's why I jumped to hold on to hope because I feel the same. Without hope i feel that I am dead already. Hope keeps me going. Keeps me breathing under the water so that I don't drawn. Maybe I'm just in denial and not able to accept reality but I refuse to believe that people who had it so bad in their early or late lives can't have or make it better for themselves. Your psychologist seems to be genuinely concerned about you. Do you feel it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I do feel it a bit karaindrou, I couldn't look at her because she looked upset I felt bad for upsetting her. She said she never saw me so distressed but not many have she also said it was good I was showing emotion as I am usually guarded and blocked but the thing is I can cry I usually just do it alone, I so badly wanted to run. I cried in the car for half an hour after she told me to go home and be kind to myself I just cried. I don't know, I'm scared if I allow her in she'll reject me she'll ask me to leave, the way it stands now is I haven't told her anything so I can't be hurt when that happens. No your not in denial you have hope, hope that it can get better, hold on to it tightly it's good you have hope. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 huge hugs addy. It will get better. You wont always feel this way i promis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hi Addy. We think it's not you who upset her, it's rather the situation you're in. But I understand not being able to look at her, we have the same reaction when people are angry or talking about certain things, it's just impossible to look at them so our eyes wander helplessly around and they're not happy we avoid them. Either that or on the contrary we can't detach our eyes from those of our interlocutor, which make us look like we deliberately defied them. What we try to do now is looking at their mouth so they just think we're reading on their lips and it's not so weird (I hope). When we were in therapy, our therapist also wanted to go slow and said we were too traumatized to work directly on traumas. To start with, she used a lot of relaxation teaching and worked at reconnecting us to our senses. Often we didn't see the point of the exercises, and several times our carer lost it and said what good will it do. But we made some progresses, very very slow ones but still progresses. I've hope that your therapist could do something similar, Addy. Maybe you could ask for some guided relaxation sessions with her? Not talking about the bad stuff unless you want it, just working on relaxing your body for 20 minutes or something like that? I don't know about the psychosomatic therapies Karaindrou was talking about but I guess it's not far from what we did. There's still things to try before giving up, that's what a friend reminded me just yesterday. We may feel hopeless ourselves but others have hope for us and it's good. Sweet thoughts to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I'm not sure she will she keeps telling me it's a psychosexual service and if it was anyone else she would be discharging them so I guess it means she cares what happens to me. I need her to work on to just go in regardless of how I am in general because if she doesn't I wound ever be in place to do the work. She can go slow to see what happens but she scares me because she keeps saying there's no way I can do the work when you are like this but I am mostly like this just sometimes not as bad as others. Now is bad I'm struggling to function just stayed in bed most of today. How are you threemoons? Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Yes, she seems to care about you and I'm glad she does. I'm not sure what she can or can't do, as we never had to deal with psychosexual services so don't know how it works. But if she thinks you're not ready for her to work with you, it seems logical to us that she recommends you to another specialist in the meanwhile. There must be a therapy you can do to improve your anxiety, it's just a matter of finding the right therapist. I too spent almost all the day in bed today. We now take one moment at a time cause we don't know how we'll feel the next. Our bad dreams are confusing me, I've been questioning too much things today. Have a good night sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
complex-lemon Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I haven't heard of psychosexual therapy addy.That is a new one on me. Have just had a general counsellor myself for a number of years - some of her qualifications are to do with the sexual side of our lives. Has she helped me - possibly - more on the fact I recognise today I have a condition which limits me.Regards to that side of my life, have always had incredibly poor judgement and for a long time have seemed to always find it easy to befriend women who like me as a friend but not interested because already in a relationship. I have been comfortable with that for quite some time.In the last year I seem to have met several women who are single and a couple have been interested but I have run a million miles. ie Me personally still today I am not prepared to put myself into one a relationship and two a sexual relationship too, ie too scary for me because of horrendous experiences from my past.Thankfully over, but when nice women come knocking I do seem to sprint in the opposite direction and atm cannot see myself stop doing that for quite some time. Can't ever say never, but currently it is as far away as it has ever been, which annoys me at the same time as comforting me too rather strangely.All I would say is go with your instincts, trust your intuition and play safe until the day when you may once more feel free to breakaway from comfort zones.I am not a great one to be advising in these areas anyway. Relationships + me = Disaster time sadly. Ho hum I guess.Que sera sera. Guess your therapist can see that you will in time be able to work on whatever you need to address, but yes do it at your own pace and which feels the least scary for you.My therapist has always said to me I am one of her hardest workers. I absolutely don't mean to be - I seem to talk myself into corners a lot of the time - need to be careful and press the off switch at times myself.Good luck though and hope in time it benefits you and how you relate to certain areas of your life too.Take care addy.Lemon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Psychosexual services is where they send you if you've suffered a lot of abuse and sexual assaults she specialises in the trauma part of it. It starts of with how it affected you what are your biggest problems because of it and how the abuse contributed to it. She needs me to tell her what happened so she can go through it with me but I can't tell her she said she can see from what I describe in my every day life and how it affects me that I really need to tell her I really need to process it. People don't know the half of it I am totally ashamed it was horrific I mean it wasn't one person and this was from I was six. As a teenager I was raped by a group of teenagers I have no idea how many of them had sex with me, I was first forced to have sex when I was nine, these are just some and these are the ones I can share so imagine what the others are like. And can only share these because it was in my report to the police so I've said them . Even if I try to process my head won't it's all screaming at me how worthless I am and how did I allow all this to happen. The result being I have sex with everyone I have no trouble having sex but apparently that's a problem in itself I'll have sex with anyone man or woman I'll do literally anything they ask because I don't feel it physically or emotionally I become totally numb and dissasociate I try to force myself to stay in the room it won't happen and even with my partner I dissasociate my hands go totally numb and my body and I disappear in my head. Even writing this I'm zoning out sorry if I said too much it's just it's all been in my head because she brings it to the surface but I can't say it out and now when she might not work with me anymore I can't trust her so it's had to go back in and the result is my anxiety goes through the roof and I'll go and meet some random man and have horrible sex and he can do what he wants after all that's all I was ever any good for. Thankyou both for replying. I hope complex lemon you meet someone nice some day someone special. I hope tomorrow is a better day threemoons hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Dearest addy, I understand that you think that it was your fault and how did you allow it to happen and what has it happened to you..... all of that. They are all logical thoughts. Untrue, but logical. And because they are logical it's so much harder to undo them. They are not true though. You didn't do anything and you are not to be blamed. What you have just described is horrible in itself and I feel so much for you addy. There is no way that you are responsible in any sort of way for such horrible abuses. Absolutely not. I'm so sorry that shame prevents you from telling someone else the rest of it all. You were a victim addy. Please keep yourself safe and do something different this time. Do not go with any guy just to prove yourself that that is what you are good for. I know what it feels like to feel that believes like that are it inscribed in your bone marrow and that is the only truth that there is. But that is not the truth. Yes, it goes against all that you believe in. I could as well tell you that the sky is green with pink dots. But that is something to start believing in. Even if you question it rather than just faithfully obeying to that belief, would be enough. It's ok not to be able to talk about it. If you get so distressed and dissociated then that is ok. It's not your fault. You can tell if you want. But it's ok if you don't want to or can't. but i you haven't told as much to your T print your post out and take it to her. addy lovely addy, you have no responsibility in any shape or form in what happened to you. I'm sending a protective and most loving hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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