The Real Me

[addy2]

Thankyou karaindrou I'm worrying now I said too much I shouldn't have said it all I am struggling today so stayed in bed but that doesn't help I have nightmares when I sleep and I had a big argument with my partner this morning again. I feel so alone that's the worst thing it really is I have no one. No matter how busy I keep or what I do I still feel so alone and the paranoia is setting in I can't talk to people anymore in rl I don't trust them. You are so understanding and kind and I feel horrible and disgusting I feel the need to disapper. Xxx

[complex-lemon]

I wrote my previous experiences of abuse on another forum addy and at first all together I felt as if I had said way too much,

opened myself up completely which was also amazingly scary thing to do the first time I did it too.

It was a start for me though and it actually since I had managed to open up online, one I got a comfort in that sadly I was not alone in my experiences and many men and women understood too.

The simple fact that even if it was only online, the fact that others knew and understood too and had been there themselves, although I never met or spoke to any of them, it was my first attempts at truly being able to share my horrific experiences and it did actually enable me to open up with regards to all of these horrible past things that had happened with my therapist and she slowly enabled me to move away from my past so that their effect in my present was as limited as much as was possible.

I understand how massive that would have been for you to write about online, but absolutely be extremely proud of yourself for doing that. I realise right now you may be thinking should I really have said all of that.

Well, from me , initially too, I thought really should I have actually expressed too much, but in time it did free me from those horrible chains. It was out there yes, but all the responses were about my bravery in revealing so much and the fact that I had so many fantastic replies and the fact also, which I did too - I totally blamed myself - and my abuse happened in early adult life, but in time I recognised that I was the victim.

I did nothing to deserve it - it was somebody elses' sad issues that were to blame.

Same absolutely with yourself addy - it was them that did extremely wrong. You were a small child and their actions were absolutely disgraceful.

I understand you may be giving yourself hard time because of way it has affected you sexually as an adult.

Again, addy that can be a very common behaviour if having experienced such abuse. Again that is absolutely not your fault in anyway, but because of what awful awful people did to you.

You were and still are the innocent victim.

I opened up online and when seeing my therapist, I often emailled her, as first off it was easier for her to simply know from my written word as actually in person I could still not talk about all of it for many months to come.

But really addy, that takes immense guts and bravery for what you have just said and absolutely be proud of yourself for this.

Hopefully in time with a skillful therapist, this can be the beginning for you to put these things firmly in the past and so they don't effect you in the present day.

But huge hugs your way addy.

Absolutely go as easy on yourself right now though.

I do completely understand also.

Lemon.

[Kara.]

addy I agree with Lemon completely. It's up to you to decide whether you said too much or not. I want you to know that it is not lost in the web. I have read it and have been thinking of you with much care and respect. But mainly without any judgement. I feel deep respect for you. I can't express enough how much respect and consideration I feel for you.

You are welcome to say as much as you want. You have also the safe place to write and you can PM someone you trust if they are willing to hear your story. I think that if you felt the need to 'talk' then you did the right thing. I also think that you were very very brave. I also thought that you also might be trying to do what your T has asked you to do: to open up. Maybe you are testing yourself in a way that feels safer, easier, to you.

Complex Lemon, I'm pleased that you found your way out. So to speak. Brave people.

Hugs for both.

[Threemoons]

You're not disgusting, Addy. Karaindrou and Lemon have very well expressed what I wanted to say and beyond so I won't repeat but please do read them and see me as validating what they said.

It's a huge step talking about it online and although I understand your fear of having said too much, I think you can be proud of yourself for opening up. It was a very hard and very scary thing to do but you made a big step toward healing today and that makes me happy for you.

Lemon, I have much respect for you too. You're both very brave.

Many safe loving thoughts.

[addy2]

Thankyou all for not judging me. I'm not sure how I feel today I stayed in bed for most of it again I really need to sort myself out. It's easier writing it and I guess it's easier because I don't know any of you face to face and I feel safer here than I do in therapy. I need to start though and if she sticks to it and does the time line I will try my best all the thoughts and memories are there they just won't come out maybe if I give her something she'll see I can do it well in saying that I hope I can do it but if not then I need to give up.

You are so brave complex lemon I'm so glad it helped you opening up, it's a horrible feeling isn't it when you say stuff and then regret it I tend to go over and over it in my head and I know there are people on here who would use it against me but I choose to ignore them they aren't in my life so they don't matter. My worry too is that once it's opened what will happen what if I don't cope and fall apart it's a big possibility and she also mentions my core beliefs were set concrete, that's not good is it I don't even know what they are if I'm honest and my destructive coping skills she makes me feel so bad. Thankyou all again

[Threemoons]

Good evening Addy. I've heard you. Coming back to you when I'm able to write a better reply.

[jimindigo]

"In order to love one's self,one must behave in way's one can admire.!

[bluemoon5]

Hi addy, I have read your thread, so so sorry for what happened to you. You have not said too much, in fact maybe here on this forum you feel a little safe and I hope you know your friends here don,t judge and you can say what you need to say x

[addy2]

Thankyou threemoons and bluemoon for your support I would be totally lost without this place and all the support you are all so lovely to me. I'm not sure what you mean jimindigo by your statement in what way did I behave to be abused as that's what it sounds like you are saying maybe I'm wrong?