Diagnosis

[Charlie1986]

I have now written this post twice and deleted it twice because it turned into a rant twice.

How do people feel about their diagnosis's? Has it helped to have been told whats wrong? Does it help you get better to have on paper what your fighting against?

I have an assement on monday and i have no idea what they will say. I don't want too be ill i dont want to be mental but i also don't want to not be. I can't fight anymore if they say i'm not fighting anything. I'm sick of being told im just depressed because i know depression i've walked through her underbelly and almost died in there and how i feel now is just incomprihensable. Evil, angry, empty mixed up and crazy. I don't even feal real anymore. I question if i actually exist or if im dead and this is my punishment.

I'm scared they will say you have this wrong but i'm scared they won't because i swear if i'm told i'm just depressed again i'm done. The therapist will be lucky if i don't fly at them. I can't fight something i don't understand so i'll stop fighting and it will win. This is how i feel in this moment.

In anyones experience does an assement diagnose straight away or do they make you come back again. Last time i had one i was a teenager and they refused to "give me a lable in case they had it wrong" I need to know what i'm dealing with because something invisble is destroying everything i once was and everything i am and i cant stop it. I'm no longer in control.

I don't even know if this makes sense.

[Alittlelost]

Hello Charlie, I'm sorry that you are feeling distressed right now. Before I was diagnosed I saw three Pdocs over a year or so. I was passed from service to service because nobody knew what to do with me. Each PDoc suggested in reports that I had Emotionally Unstable Psersonality Disorder #Cringe (I hate the diagnosis). However, it was never formally diagnosed. The third Pdoc I saw and the same one I still see officially gave me the diagnosis. I wasn't given the diagnosis there and then by any of the Pdocs I saw. I saw the second PDoc 6 times before she unofficially gave me the diagnosis and at least a couple of times by my current Pdoc. Once my Pdoc decided on the diagnosis, so wrote to my GP. Looking back, my GP must have been terrified to tell me what my PDoc had diagnosed me with as she turned her computer around to show me, instead of coming right and telling me. I flew of the handle per say. I wasn't happy to say the least (I ended up under the crisis team a few days afterwards). I denied to myself and to anybody else the diagnosis for years. I couldn't see any of the diagnostic criteria in myself what so ever, so choose to ignore it. It wasn't until my symptoms became very apparent to me that I had to face the fact that yes the BPD diagnosis was correct. I spent a lot of time analysing myself and found that I actually did meet the criteria. I spent a good few years trying not to show anybody including health professionals that I had the symptoms, eg telling them I didn't need people, I don't build up attachments with people etc until I couldn't contain it any longer. I ended up in hospital.

In answer to your question. In the beginning I did not find having that diagnosis helpful, it wasn't having a diagnosis that I didn't like, it was that one in particular and this was because of the stigma Id heard about it. After a while, one I'd recognised I did in fact have the diagnosis it did help me understand a little. Now I've gone back to it not helping 1) because of the stigma again and 2) because I dislike myself for the way in which I am (the criteria). Everybody's response to your question regarding did getting the diagnosis help you will be different. It helps some understand and not others. Everybody is unique in their response

It was a roller coaster ride, from being assessed by Pdocs to accepting it, to getting the right treatment and support. It can take time, so be patient and kind on yourself.

[maddy harper]

hi there. Welcome aboard. i found bein diagnosed really helpful cause i know what i am up against.

[Br0kenW1ngs]

Hi,

I was lucky in that from very early on in services I met with a great psychiatrist, who I continued to see one and off for years, who wouldn't label me (I was 17/18) but instead started to do some preliminary DBT work with me. I noticed the title of the book she had with her (Marsha Linehan's Skills Training Manual for BPD) and had an inkling that I was borderline after studying it briefly for my psychology A-Level. I had been struggling with BPD symptoms for years already.

I wasn't formally diagnosed until years later on a psych ward but when they finally confirmed I had something real, something complex that I couldn't just 'snap out of', I was devastated but relieved.

Again I was lucky, I fell on my feet with individuals in the MH team who genuinely wanted to help me and I suppose I was in the right place at the right time, but I was offered long-term therapy. It took five years of being in and out of hospital wards for me to finally find a path I feel is right for me.

There is no magic cure for BPD (I wish there was) but it can be managed. I won't lie, the thoughts are still distorted a lot of the time and things are never straight forward but I have learnt to recognise my patterns and change my behaviour. I'm no longer in treatment.

Having a formal diagnosis can be a blessing and a curse.

For me it was positive and meant I got the support I needed, but I know many who have been given the label and given up on. There are individuals out there (some I have even come across on acute wards where people are most vulnerable) who have a very detrimental view of BPD. They see us as untreatable and manipulative and will feed into our insecurities by ignoring our pleas and abandoning us when we need help most.

I know of teams that have discharged personality disorder patients, believing they can't/shouldn't be helped.

I guess what I am trying to say is that being given a diagnosis can make things clearer in your head and put a concrete stamp on your notes to let anyone reading them know that your needs are complex, but it depends on the reader as to whether this is a positive step.

Good luck on Monday, I hope whatever the news it helps you.

[addy2]

I hate my diagnosis I have fought to get it removed they won't. I have no idea why anyone would want it, also even if you were dx some people will be reluctant to tell you. It can be a very damaging label as we are seen as unhelpable and therapists are scared of us, I would be happy to be dx with just depression. I understand you want to know but it's not always a good thing x

[maddy harper]

i think knowing s half the battle.

[Charlie1986]

Hi guys, thank you for the replies.

I'm glad to see some people got proper support but sad to see some people didn't. I'm currently torn at the minute. I don't want to feel how I feel. It comes down to that. The only way too describe it is like pieces of me break off and can't be fixed. I've always struggled with my mental health and have always had elements of distress in my life even in a "good period".

I can't explain what's wrong too people. I snap, I fly into rages, I love people then want them to disappear and when I think they will I'm desperate to get them to come back. Too an outsider looking in I just look like a spoiled brat but I'm not. The SH is becoming an issue again which I'm not sure I can hide much longer and the zoning out makes functioning hard when I have to be "present" during my work. I don't get sick days I don't get a rest because how can I be sick when there is nothing wrong? Not that I want to take time off because that would be admitting defeat and I'm stubborn which is probably the only reason I'm still here.

I can see how some people hate the stigma that comes with it. I suppose I'm lucky because I get stared at and judged by everyone anyway and I'm not liked anyway so the stigma isn't releveant to me. The depression label diminishes how I feel in my head. People view depression as something to "snap out of" and I can't not that anyone can because it's not sad I feel all the time it's everything and nothing.

It all feels wrong and different in my head. I used to have compassion for people but now I don't. All I feel now is hate and anger for no apparent reason. I used to care actually care now I feel like I just pretend I do. Depression makes me feel like a fraud. I feel like they think I'm making up how I feel or exaggerating it and I'm not. I don't tell anyone I see day to day how I feel if I can avoid it because I can't explain it.

I've had the coping mechanisms given to be by doctors and therapists for depression and they don't help me. It's hard to explain but the lack of not knowing makes me want to give up because how can you try and fight or attempt to treat something that no one knows is there. I probably wasn't ready for them to label me as a teenager because I was so wrapped up in self destruction it would have given me an excuse. Now I want to try and keep going I don't want to destroy myself even though every part of me tells me I have too and it's the only answer.

I believe now as an adult I'm at a point where the not knowing is worse than knowing. The fact I have had to go back to services makes me hate myself because I swore I never would that I'd be strong and "normal" and right now I feel weak and desperate. I just want to know why I can't function like a healthy happy human being and get help to make it easier to keep going and be alive. Right now life is no life I work, hurt, come home, attempt sleep and that's my routine.

Your opinions and insights mean a lot and it helps me try and understand myself so thank you for replying and sharing them.

[maddy harper]

i so know where your coming from with the broken peaces thing. thats how i feel a lot of the time.

[copacetic]

That makes sense to me. I remember when I was younger having assessments they never really told me anything definitively for similar reasons to what you said, they didn't want to get it wrong. I feel now that it was a good idea not to tell me, not to really give me any ideas.

Now that I'm a bit older (21), I feel like psychologists talk to me differently. I did some research on my own issues and found that BPD fit like a glove, so I brought that idea into my last assessment (nearly a year ago now). However, I still kept an open mind. I think people in therapy professions try not to say "this is what's wrong with you" because some people might take it as "this is what's wrong and this is what will always be wrong and now this will define me for the rest of my life", which of course isn't how a diagnosis should be taken.

I brought up my ideas with the psychologist at my assessment and instead of agreeing outright she asked me questions and asked me to use some examples from my life to explain why I thought it fit. Afterwards she did agree that BPD was the right diagnosis for me.

To me, even before the assessment, I kind of knew that BPD fit. It was really relieving to know what it is that was going on in my head and finally have some path I could walk down to move on from negative experiences/feelings/thoughts. I have something I can use to find specialized help for myself so I can be happier and hopefully better off in the future.

[maddy harper]

Having this place to come post really helps me more than a lot of you could know. its saved my life on many a ocation.

[Charlie1986]

I know this is what's wrong but I won't say it to them because I feel like they don't believe me or that I'm trying to trick them. Sometimes I wonder if I am if I'm just that messed up and evil.

I'm getting more and more anxious as Monday gets closer. I don't actually want to go. I feel like I'm going to be judged and I won't be able to explain how I feel. I might have to write it down. I find that easier. I wrote a lot of poetry when I was in hospital like literally one after the other because it's what stopped me drowning. Words mean a lot to me. It's tangible and permanent.

Sorry I'm not making any sense feel a bit out there tonight. Struggling to keep me here. I'm not sure who me is. Super tired.

[Dice]

If you do not say how you feel, Think and stuff how can they see what is going on with you??? I know it can be hard having to open up to someone you do not really know but you have this chance now to allow it out; They're not there to judge you or anything like that...

Like you have just said about writing it down, Do it and take it with you and see how you go with them and if needs be give them the letter to read and maybe discuss stuff from it with you...

At the end of the day, A diagnosis is just that; Yes some people feel it can cause judging from others, Other people do not feel like that... It does NOT in any shape or form mean that you are only a label... ( I cannot lie and say I haven't felt that way, As I have... ) ...

You are YOU, Who ever that maybe ( I cannot say more to that as I do not know you... )...

No need to say sorry, You have made sense to me anyway haha, Whether or not I do is a different matter...

[Lelamatela]

Hi Charlie new to this today

Reading your post was music to my ears. Was like reading exactly how I feel. And how I am ! I don't have a diagnoses an the thought of hAving one is a bit scary but I fringing need answers! I couldn't of put it better myself how you explained how you feel. So glad I signed up on here because I have been doctors numerous times therapy c.b.t for depression an anxiety but like you this goes much deeper than that an I'm sick of everyone saying it will pass ye it will pass an come back again! Up down up down.

I used to be very compassionate aswel even done volunteer work because I cared so much about others an wanted to help them now I don't give a damn. I ain't that horrible :-( but I am. totally confused to who I am. Often feel empty angry irritable

I went to the hospital today waited 3 hours an walked out because I didn't feel I was an urgency. Inside I'm screaming an have been trying to get to the bottom of what's wrong with me for so long I'm exhausted. I feel like you I need answers even if I don't want to hear it I do an can fight it without knowing what it is how can we fight. I do really feel for you.

[Br0kenW1ngs]

How did the assessment go?

Having a diagnosis of BPD doesn't have to be a curse.

Yes there are professionals out there who believe we are a lost cause and don't deserve treatment (and I am sorry for those of you who have had to work with them), but there are also professionals who believe BPD can be treated and those who suffer can be helped.

I have been under the care of many psychiatrists on acute wards and on 3 occasions I have been met with the most narrow-minded and uninformed individuals I have ever met. (One "professional" psychiatrist actually told me that borderline patients should never be admitted and if she ever saw me again she would make sure I was never in for more than 24 hours......). But thankfully the majority of the time I have worked with doctors who understand the disorder and are more than willing to support and help their patients.

I've been in and out of hospital a lot over the years, but I don't have a bad word to say about most of the doctors I've seen. I have been lucky. They saved my life, more than once, pushed me when I needed to be pushed but always involved me in my care and medication (even under section).

On a side note, the doctors/psychologists/support workers etc etc that I have worked with who had the opinion that BPD was a time-wasters disorder were, how can I say this.....more mature (and two thirds of them were also foreign - now I am not saying that foreign doctors have any less value but in my experience it seems that perhaps things are looked at differently in other countries). I am living in the hope that with new guidelines and information for treating BPD the doctors of the future will be more understanding and those that are invalidating will be phased-out.

[Charlie1986]

Hi guys thanks for the replies,

I was meant to reply to this the other day and then for some reason just didn't. The assessment went ok and on the day after it I felt quiet positive like I'd had my suspicions validated but since I've felt really down about it. She made me talk about a lot of stuff stuff which I don't care about mentioning and stuff I struggle with. She was lovely and very heavily pregnant which automatically disarmed me and something told me it wasn't right to be angry at her no matter how torn up I felt inside.

I was very honest with her and she came to the conclusion that I'm exhibiting symptoms of and it's highly likely my problems come from emotional unstable personality disorder. She wouldn't diagnose it as she wasn't a psychiatrist but she has referred me through to the CMHT and she's passing on her notes and recommendation that I go onto a low dose mood stabiliser because anti depressants don't work for me at all.

I got my appointment to see the psychiatrist on the 26th of this month but that's like 6 weeks from when I had this one and I feel like they are gonna make me sit and repeat myself again even though she told me I wouldn't need to go into all the details I did again. They've sent me the same registration form and basically told me the appointment is like last time in the letter and now I'm terrified of going because I don't want to talk about it again and explain myself again when I've done it already. I hate the fact I'm back in services because I swore once I was out I wasn't going back. Part of it was pig headedness because I was let down massively when a referral too the Preston eating disorder service from where I was in therapy for it got lost in the post and I was never transferred over and thus my psychiatric care stopped. I felt hurt and angry that I was dumped and forgotten about by people who were meant to help and since have refused to go back under them. Now I'm being forced by my partner to do it. I'll do it because I love her but I hate that I have too.

Right now I'm scared at what this means. If I have BPD in the psychiatrists opinion does than mean they will treat me or leave me to rot? I am not a wreck on the outside I can articulate myself and when I have to go places I'm clean and presentable because I don't have a choice. I have to get up and keep going and I feel like because I'm not falling to pieces like I did back when I literally locked myself away and didn't speak to anyone or go anywhere, they don't see what's wrong as serious.

They don't see the constant battle. They don't see me having to be talked down by my partner because I want to smash some blokes head in on the bus because he stuck his nose in a conversation he was no part off. They don't see the fear in her eyes when she watches me lose control of myself. They don't see me sitting in the office at work crying because I can't cope with the anger I have from having to deal with people. They don't see me rummaging through boxes like a woman possessed because I was positive I still had some razor blades somewhere. They don't see me thinking of ways I can buy new ones so I don't get caught with them. They don't see me finding something sharp and after years of not harming succumbing to it. They don't see me to scared to be around people. They don't see me not being able to have sex because my drive has all but gone but then using my partner for sex 3 nights in a row because I needed to feel something other than empty and her not having a clue. They don't see how I torture myself with guilt because I'm not good enough. They don't see me cry myself to sleep. They don't see me constantly looking around for the source of the person calling my name and there being no one there. They don't see me jump because I'm positive someone is the when they aren't. They don't see me doing everything to pull myself back into reality because my minds trying to slide and disappear. They don't seethe confusion when I can't remember where I am or what I was meant to be doing.

They don't see me.

I thought getting help would help but it's unleashed all the old feelings of disappointment and terror and fear. Now I'm scared I'll get let down again or I won't be "sick" enough to treat. They only take me seriously when I threaten to end my life when they can't see that I'm asking for help so I don't ever seriously get back to that point because if I do there will be no threats it will just be done. I'm terrified of what not being diagnosed means and what being diagnosed means. I thought getting a clear cut diagnosis would help me because I can fight against what's wrong but now I'm scared that it means they won't help me fight.

Sorry if that was a rant just been bottled up and didn't expect it to all flow out like it has. Who knows maybe it's not a bad thing but I'm not so sure.

I just want to feel ok. I just want to feel better.

[Threemoons]

Hi Charlie. I see you, I sense your fears and I hear your cry for help. Wish very much that they do the same on the day. It's clear to me that you're distressed and need more support. If you can't bear explaining yourself once again, which I completely understand, maybe you could write it all and keep a copy so you never have to speak about it again, just to hand the paper to whoever asks it. I know it wouldn't spare you all the questions but it could alleviate some of it perhaps? Would you print also this last post of you and bring it with you to the CMHT assessment so they can know that you feel worse than what they usually see?

I send courage to you.