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Losing The Battle


Threemoons

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Today, trying to process our last counselling session at handicap employment service and to get back some hope from it but bloody mind is resisting my efforts by doubts and not believing something good will happen.

We had a dream about life before it went bad, think we remembered a bit of when we were only one in the body. I felt sad when waking up as it was so peaceful before. And then M inside said "Mum doesn't love me" (she doesn't believe M is real) and she cried, which was heart-breaking. I can't bear children crying. Tried to sleep earlier to escape the sadness inside but it doesn't work.

Mum will be hospitalized ten days soon (in the beginning of February) to look after her injured hand. Everybody thinks we'll be fine, just a nagging thought inside saying what if the suicidal feelings return while she's away. She said that she would resent us if we did something bad during those days and it crushed us. I don't feel like we had any control over it during our last bad acting, we just couldn't fight anymore the pressure to do it. I'm hurt by her words.

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Is it snowing where you live?

Here weather reports announced snow alert last week but we didn't see any. I think there was more snow in winter when I was a child.

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Thanks Maddy, I will keep writing some things as it helps us to think clearer about them.

Had a call today, I'm starting another counselling program from handicap employment on Monday. It's in a group setting this time, which will make me feel awkward but I'm hoping I'll benefit more from the group dynamic than I would in one to one. My mum drove us to the bus stops we'll have to use so we can know the places and recognize them better, which is super nice from her. Hope we won't get lost then.

Less pleasant, I've found out that our driving license is no longer valid (doctors had given us a temporary aptitude certificate). We no longer drive for now anyway but I would like to keep our papers in case we're more able in the future. Will have to call to clarify if we have to pass again the medical exam only or also the driving tests.

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Threemoons - rooting for you.

From all I have read you are greatly respected on here, your comments for myself were very insightful too.

It is a battle at times - absolutely with you on that - but I think you most definitely have a chance to get to a much much more deserving and contented life.

Have seen you incredibly supportive of many on here and see that this is rewarded in kind.

Had a massive amount of therapy myself and eventually found the right person for me to help me through my journey.

Feel that clinging onto glimmers will eventually reap your much deserved better life ahead.

Keep chatting though - always helps me.

Definitely big time hugs from me too

Best wishes

Lemon :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi. I'm now participating to a career advising group for people whose handicap makes them unable to continue their ancient job. People with me are great and it helps to socialize a bit but at the same time they talk about some triggering things like abuse in their past and witnessing abuse on old people in nursing homes and what they say plays in echos in our head and worsen my feelings of disgust for this world and not wanting to live much longer. Also, I talked about important stuff to our psychiatrist and felt like our feelings were dismissed again. I don't feel like he is helping, I'm confused by his reactions and I'm losing trust in him but I would be scared of trying with someone else too so I feel stuck. Wanting to have an accident and die.

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Thank you Maddy. I'm feeling so miserable, it's like I'm drowning and no one around knows how to swim so no one can help me.

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