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Charlie1986

Hospital? POSSIBLE TRIGGER.

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Charlie1986

Hi there,

im pretty deserpate at the minute. I've stayed in bed all day today to avoid doing something silly. I have the worst urge to SH than I've had in forever. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't get any release from this torture. I have like a little voice or thought in my head telling me to end it and to hurt myself that that's all that can fix it. I don't want to harm I don't want to die but it won't stop. I can't even get any rest in my sleep. I dream about being in a mental hospital and being trapped there. It's horrible. I don't know if something has triggered me or if it's the amytriptaline that's done it but I've tailspun into a horrible whirlwind of the need to self destruct. Normally once my emotions come back to planet earth and settle back to what's appropiate the impulse to hurt calms down too but it's not. Every fibre is itching to get something and just do it. My partner would hate me and she would leave me if I did. I admitted yesterday to her that I'd binged and purged all yesterday because I needed to take its power away. I don't want to go back to being the 18/19 year old in hospital I don't want to go back to the 20 year old whose bulimia had gotten so bad in 5 months I'd dropped to the underweight catorgary from being in the overweight one. I feel like my brain wants me back there. What it doesn't realise is I'm an adult now with responsibility and I hate it.

Experience tells me I need to go to someone and tell them what's happening before it wins but I tried to yesterday and he told me to come back in two weeks and go to a and e if it gets worse. I'm meant to ring the crisis team but they never gave me a number to accesses not that I care because they have always been useless. Not there fault I suppose only so much money they get to support people.

I know if I go to A&E they will not take me seriously because I haven't hurt myself and judge me for wasting time or take me so seriously that I'm forced into hospital again. The worst part is I think I need to be there to protect myself before I SH again but I can't afford it. I have my bills and I cant go from £300 a week down to £87.50 so this is where I'm stuck which makes my emotions worse and makes the thoughts worse.

Every single part of me thinks ending it is the only answer even the bit that doesn't want to is being persuaded. 

The only thing stopping me in this second is my partner. What would she do if I did. She can't afford my half of the bills. She would be left homeless in shit loads of debt and I would have let her down 3 fold. Can I leave knowing that? Part of me wishes she would leave so I can. I think she is starting to want too and she doesn't even say I won't anymore when I say I know she will.

What kind of life is life if BPD has taken over and depression is back in force and now everything else is trying to join the party.

I feel like I don't even make sense anymore. I'm dissociating more and more and everything is too much and I don't even know why it's suddenly all come crashing down. I feel like I'm having a breakdown. It's like two people in me and the sensible one who used to fight the bad one has now just decided to sit back and watch and I can see everything happening as if looking in and I can't find any way of stopping it. Every door is shut and locked and all that's left to do is lie down and suffocate there.

I need help.

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Data

:bigarmhug[1]:

 

I cope you can manage to find a reason to live for yourself, Charlie - not just because of your partner.  Its amazing that you lover her so much though.

 

Are you able to access any support apart from hospital?  They only admit as a last resort nowadays.  Have you got a CPN who can come and see you?  Or a crisis team?  If not I suggest you reach out to your GP or pdoc and ask for help.

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artemis84

So sorry you are struggling this much Charlie.  Another suggestion would be to call out of hours GP or the nhs phone number (is it 111 nowadays??). I don't know if they'll be any more help but worth a try maybe?

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