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2015_anon

Bizarre OCD issue

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2015_anon

Hi,

 

I have a history of depression, anxiety and OCD, and have been recently making steps to deal, look after myself, etc. However, two weeks ago I had a brutal panic attack in public which has catalyzed a new and frightening symptom. My brain is now hooked on a particular racial slur- just one word, and when I start spiralling I feel compelled to say or shout it out loud. My brain has started associating it with everything, from people of all ethnic groups to personal errors, certain colours of items and everything I can think of related or unrelated. I don't know how I can possibly stop, as I don't believe cognitive thinking or medication can erase the obsessive prominence of this one word? As a result I am starting to feel monstrous, racist, and increasingly withdrawn/upset. I worry that this will be a problem for life as how can I ever reconfigure this word out of my brain/out of my obsessive relationship with it? I have had to put all personal relationships, public appearances and schoolwork on hold.

 

Any advice?

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Kara.

Anon, that sounds so hard. 

I don't have any advice but want to give you my support. I understand that you feel that way, but we all have preferences, conscious or unconscious, in relation to culture, race and so on. 

You're not a monster. Rather the opposite. You're struggling a lot and need help. Is there someone in your personal relationships you trust enough to be who you are right now, so that you don't have to isolate from others? Also, worrying that this will be a problem for life and that you can't be helped may be part of the problem as that may stop you from actually getting the help you may need. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy? A deep fear of loss? 

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