Telling my boyfriend I have BPD...

[Vanessa94]

Hi all, 

I need some advice about how to tell my boyfriend about my mental illnesses, and I'm most afraid of telling him about my BPD. I've been with him for 8 months now and he knows I get panic attacks but nothing more than that. I don't want him to worry about me as after therapy and cutting off all contact with my mother (who definitely makes me worse) I've been much more controlled, yet I still struggle with many things and he probably notices because I'm not as subtle as I like to think. 

I'm so scared that he'll put me straight on suicide watch as soon as I tell him my history and will freak out, but I want to be honest. HELP! This is terrifying because since leaving home for university I've kept my personal issues to myself because I often get far more paranoid that people are talking about me when they know about my illnesses. No one knows anything here apart from I occasionally get "minor panic attacks" during exams. 

Has anyone had any experience of this? How do you tell someone you love that they're never allowed to leave you because you could freak out without making them feel trapped in the relationship ahhhhhhhh

Thanks in advance! 

V

[Kara.]

I can't help you but I understand your dilema. I hope others reply. This is an issue that I worry a lot too.

Welcome to the forum.

[Br0kenW1ngs]

Afternoon Vanessa!

When I met my boyfriend I was still in therapy (not long out of hospital actually) and medicated. But I was doing well (still am) so I decided not to go into details with him. I was honest from the outset in that I told him I had had mental health issues with depression and anxiety but left it at that. 

He didn't pressure me into talking about it, said he was sorry I had been through what I had (there's no hiding the scars....) and would listen when I was ready.

It took me quite a few months to finally utter the words "borderline personality disorder" for fear of him googling it and coming across unhelpful information. He didn't. I stressed the fact that BPD affects people in different ways and what's typical may not be representative of how the illness affected me.

Although I am "recovered" in most ways, I still struggle with relationships and find it really difficult not to assume the worst. He knows this, and is very good at reassuring me and we are working together for me to be open about how I feel. I have always found it hard to open up to people, but sitting on the kitchen floor, hugging my knees, sobbing because I've misunderstood something he's said doesn't help anyone!

I have to say though, I would not have been able to maintain this relationship a few years ago, while I was still unwell. I was in a relationship for years when I was younger and while he tried his hardest to support me, looking back I think I would have perhaps done better if I had focussed on helping myself and not on trying to be half of a couple.

I am NOT saying borderline sufferers CAN'T maintain relationships, or that they shouldn't try, but being with someone and battling the borderline demons is hard work, for both of you. There is a fine line between being with someone who is supportive and someone you completely rely on. You have to get strong, get well, for you.

If you think you may be in this relationship for the long-haul then there isn't really any way you can hide the BPD forever. He will want to help you, and help you help yourself. But you need to consider the fact that it won't be easy. He is involved with someone who has the potential to seriously harm themselves, or worse, and that is hard to cope with. BUT you can work together to make it work. Are you getting any treatment? Is there an option for him to maybe attend some sessions to get a better understanding or even get some support himself? I know some services offer this.

Don't forget that nobody is perfect, everybody has faults and has to adapt to the world. He may well see past the BPD, as he should, because you are not your diagnosis. You are you, the BPD is just an added extra

Good luck, with the relationship, and uni (I admire anyone who can get through a degree with or without mental health issues......I tried several times and still have no letters after my name haha).