hurt

[addy2]

I cant get this out of my head, last Christmas I found messages my partner wrote to his ex it said thinking of you, when I asked him why he said I had already ruined our relationship by letting a guy r*** me he said he doesn't believe me he said I probably just lay there like I do with him and allow it even though I don't want too. I was really hurt I still am and it came up in an argument the other day again he said he didn't believe me. I had found out he was lying about why he messaged her, he told me her mum was sick but she wasn't then he said she messaged him first but that doesn't explain his message. To top it of he has been watching playboy tv and women in bikinis I asked why and he said cause I wont have sex with him. I have big issues around sex and how I look I hate my body he knows that he has told me to loose weight in the past and seriously why would I want to have sex with someone who was messaging their ex and lied about it and then blamed me, am I wrong? I am so confused I am on the verge of running away I really cant cope anymore.

[Kara.]

I read your post addy but I don't know what to say. I'm not good with relationships. I want to send you a warm hug though and support for your reflections about your relationships. 

[addy2]

thankyou Kara, sending you hugs back, I hope your ok? I realise its an impossible post I'm too complicated my therapist keeps asking me do I know how complex I am. I'm feeling desperate so I emailed the psychologist who is my sponsor I wanted her advice she had mentioned taking me back to their service, she rang me this morning and she said she's been thinking about me, she said for her to intervene it would be heartbreaking for me, she would recommend I go to hospital on a long term basis I said what about my kids she said that's not her decision or worry but i am. If I were to be hospitalized long term I would lose my kids how could she do that to me. I'm scared I have shook all day, she wants me to speak to my gp and therapist and she wants me to be honest with my therapist about how bad I feel I said she will stop therapy and I cant take anymore rejection she said it needs to happen. She wants me to fall apart to trust them and give myself to them how scary is that? Apparently my fight is what stops me getting better, I'm totally overwhelmed xx

[DaisyChain]

Sending a hug or two addy, like Kara I dont really know what to say, I guess you have to make that decision, all I will say is I support you in whatever you do, with love x

[addy2]

thankyou daisy, I met with the social worker today and her aim is to support me and possibly put him out they will be making him do a domestic violence course for abusers like him, she hasn't heard about my MH yet I'm worried about that. Xx

[Kara.]

addy I think that the reason why I don't know what to say is because although your partner is abusive and all the rest, you seem to feel quite dependent on him and unsure whether you would cope without him. I think that you are trying to imagine, so to speak, what it would be like to be without him and hence all the thoughts and reflections that you are doing about the relationship. 

I think that your psychologist's point is a fair point. By breaking down you would have no choice but let others take care of you. I understand what she says about the fighting being what makes you iller. I do experience that as well. I just wonder where is she thinking to hospitalize you as NHS hospitals always want a quick turnover of patients rather than having them for longer term. Unless she is referring to a therapeutic community. I understand how unsettling this proposal may feel because of your children. Blimey!! You are faced with really difficult proposals and decisions...

Hugs dear addy. 

PS: I'm ok. Trying to fight the fighting  :-)

[addy2]

you are so right Kara, I totally depend on him way too much, when I panic I want him, when I'm scared I call him I cant sleep without him or eat or exist, isn't that terrible? The social worker said men like him create dependency as she spoke my anxiety rose and I just wanted him, strange is it I really don't get it. All the stuff doesn't go in I was thinking they are wrong I created the dependency not him I depend on him he didn't make me. Now I'm scared what my kids will tell them about what goes on. My rational part knows he is no good, surely someone who loves you would never say though things, my emotional side says I need him no matter what he does and then what about my kids what if he is bad for them, I need to protect them. I don't know where the psychologist means but she used the words heartbroken she said her decision would leave me heartbroken and maybe my kids should be in care until I got proper help. I trust her I really do but I worry, what will she do come Monday, if the social worker calls what will she tell her. She said I had a week to be honest to all involved with me, and so far i haven't, I have an appt on Thursday with my GP, but so far I told the autism practioner I was ok and the social worker, she wants me to tell my therapist how it is and let her decide what to do. My children are my life I need them I need him even though he is probably making me feel worse. They want me to do a programme with woman's aid and build my confidence but I'm pathetic I really am, maybe my kids deserve better someone to protect them instead of making them live with us as parents. Its wrong to love him after this isn't it I'm wrong and I know that's why no one can say because you all know how much I depend on him, I'm trapped. I'm glad to hear your still fighting Kara, really glad xx

[bluemoon5]

think our situations are a bit similar at the moment. regards the children and therapy. its really really tough for you hun .was wondering what the hospital thing is about? would you consider a residential programme is that on offer, being in long term hospital isn't a possibility I would have thought for the health service. my friend says that maybe its best my kids are cared for elsewhere for a short time ( a year or more) compared with the long term gain of having a mummy who is better whilst I do treatment. I would agree if I thought I would get better and wasn't so distrusting about the quality of the care they would get.  Don't know what to say just sending you some love.  xxx

[addy2]

its hard isn't it blue moon, I really need to be here for my kids, that's what my psychologist said too that maybe my kids would be better somewhere else until I am sorted then I would be in a better position to look after them. I don't think I could do that to them I would have their dad look after them first and he's not great but I know they would be ok and together and in their home. We have no residential programmes here I would have to go to England I live in northern Ireland. All we have hospitals but it wouldn't be long term they don't have that. I'm anxious about it all I don't know what to do for the best and I'm scared they will take away my choice from me. I hope you get the help you need blue moon, its hard keeping doing just hanging on each day its exhausting, hugs to you too hun xx

[Kara.]

What your psychologist is proposing is really intense. I agree though that you can only be helped if you are honest but it feels that you are very scared that things may change. SOmetimes I think of you and your family/relationship like a very delicate balance. If somethings changes then it will all collapse. I usually think of this performance when I think of you:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KVPA-9hofw

But sometimes one needs to undo what was built, pick up the pieces and build it again but this time with proper thinking and planning. 

[addy2]

your so right Kara, I am terrified of change and if it changes i will fall apart. I took my son to see an asd psychologist today she knew about our family life as it was the asd practioner who I told about my partner hitting my son. I was barely in the room I couldn't focus at all she said you have alot going on I was like yeah things are tough thats all I could say. It is intense isn't it, too intense for me. I don't think I could fall apart I guess that's why she's trying to make me fall apart and she knows if my partner leaves I won't cope and social services will step in and the outcome wont be good, seems cruel and extreme but she said I need extreme. The thing is I never talk about the suicidal stuff to her or anyone and she asked she said where are u in terms of wanting to end it I was shocked i didn't know what to say, I told her i get intrusive thoughts and impulsive ones if I'm driving I want to close my eyes. She said I need to tell my therapist but I can't cause she will end and that's what the psychologist wants as she knows I wont cope with that. I could scream, I'm between being numb and anxious I'm scared but in denial my head cant cope and I get it if I fall apart and let them in totally they can help rebuild me but I wont be me anymore will I? Xx

[Kara.]

I do understand you being in denial. It's quite extreme what she is suggesting. I am wowed by it though. I read a book in which the author, a neuroscientist had an accident and lost the memory of his leg. There were no physical impediments for him to walk at all but he couldn't walk nor even recognize that leg as his. He had physiotherapy and all sort of therapies. One day, when he was about to get into the swimming pool for his treatment his physiotherapist pushed him and as a reaction he started swimming. Hs leg was moving as before as his survival instinct pushed him to. Maybe this is the kind of thing she is suggesting. It's very interesting but wow. I can imagine that you may feel scared. You need someone to push you into the swimming pool. 

I have the same question and that has also stopped me from progressing in therapy. I feel to be in a crossroad and i fear to lose me if i keep going on. I guess that we never stop being us but our lives as they are can never be the same as we are not exactly the same but also not someone else. 

I think that you will still be you but different. You may feel less hatred for you and even care and maybe love. Yes. that sounds like someone else. But it's still you with new learned skills. 

[addy2]

I'm worried Kara who would I become I already feel I conform so much to society as it is, I don't even know who I am, I follow rules. I thought it funny that my partner dictates my appearance my hair color he prefers it blonde but I don't, I wear what clothes he likes. I don't cut, not because I don't want too but because I'm afraid of him that should be my choice obviously not the best choice but mine all the same. I'm angry and agitated I got diazepam from my GP I told her I can't stop shaking the stress is affecting me too much. I think she's giving me the chance to take responsibility and sort it out myself before she takes it from me maybe, makes sense I'm an adult she did say though she knows I'm no where near ready to ask for the help i need. Time will tell and maybe she will do nothing. I hope you had a good day Kara? Xx

[Kara.]

Yes I did addy. Thank you. I'm back at trying to trust T again. I've been praying for T to not give up on me and for me to not give up on me also.

How interesting that your partner chooses so much for you. No wonder that it's so hard to leave him. You are quite entangled aren't you? Where does one start and end? I think that recovery from bpd is also about developing one's sense of self as for many, they don't quite know who they are, what they like, what they want. This is a common feature to many and it was very much to me. Still is in some aspects. Recovering from bpd is also a leap of faith as one has to really leap into the unknown and hope for the best when there is no evidence that there can be anything better than what there is. I think that recovering from bpd requires a degree of madness because it entails going against nearly everything one believes and knows. Who would do such thing? However, there is no other way. 

I feel to be near the abyss and I have to jump. My body cells tell me that I will die, my T tells me I will be held and safe..... the fall will be long before the arms though, I suspect.

Hugs dear addy. 

 

[addy2]

its scary how they expect us to trust isn't is, I've never met anyone like this psychologist and she isn't even my psychologist she's just involved in the pd service I don't think anyone has ever seen me the way she does either but it proves to me that I can be open to the right person. I woke up so depressed and I agreed to help an old school friends niece she's doing a masters in psychology and she wanted to do an interview on the stigma within mh services and this person knows I have issues and asked would i help. I keep thinking what am I going to do, hide or get drunk or both options sound good right now I just want to buy vodka and head into the forest. I hate being so unpredictable I seem so calm my heads a mess. The psychologist actually agreed with me that sometimes bpd doesn't improve with age we just get better at hiding it and we get tired of asking for help that's exactly what's happening to me. Do you ever get days you want to disappear guess that's what I like about being impulsive I could do it, but really mustn't. I hope your having a good day Kara xx

[Kara.]

Yes, I do get days when I just want to disappear. Sometimes I want to disappear forever, precisely because i don't think that bpd is getting better for me as I grow older either. I want to stop working and let myself go into myself until I disappear. Or until I am reborn.

I think that you are right. Some people are really special and they can see much further and beyond. That psychologist senses you. I think that she understands you through her senses. ou didn't really have to tell her much, did you? That is also important for me. When my T knows by sensing then I know that I can be fully known and I feel very reassured. 

Can you stay with the appreciation that you feel towards your therapist and not be impulsive and self-destructive?

Hugs.

[addy2]

I wish I could Kara, its all so hopeless today this never ending cycle. Went for a walk and not one tiny bit of happiness did I feel I thought why bother so got home took diazepam and went to sleep, she only gave me five they wont last long but she knows what I'm like maybe five was enough. That's how I feel right now like i could disappear forever its all very pointless, I'm so sorry you feel the same at times too kara. Ita good she senses me and gets me it is reassuring maybe she will do what i need her too. I just need to be honest and tell her i want to disappear forever. Hugs xx

[Kara.]

Yes addy. tell her. Tell her all you need to tell in order to be safe and well supported. I'm glad that I haven't disappeared forever and I am that you too haven't disappeared forever. One step at the time.

Warm hugs. 

[addy2]

I am not sure if I can tell or not I went today and deliberately sh I made a decision I was going to do this and I did the relief was amazing I know I'm not supposed to say that though. I have made a decision I want my partner gone I don't care what the consequences are I can't stand him even speaking I want to punch him, its too late this time what he did cant be undone, 18yrs of crap I have had enough I actually hate him right now hes in for a big shock. My daughter has left for a weeks holiday summer camp today I'll miss her alot and my anxiety has left me all shaky and weak. So I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow but I'm fed up being compliant being good and not sh cause he gets angry well fuck him, he has hurt me more than I have ever hurt myself. I'm feeling rebellious and angry and I really don't care anymore. I hope you had a good day Kara? Xx

[Kara.]

addy we will be here to support you and I know that you also have the domestic violence people helping you. I support you in whatever decision you make now, tomorrow, after tomorrow, as long as it is good for you. You are supposed to be true to yourself and if SH gives you a sense of relief than that is what you have to say. I wish you didn't harm yourself but that doesn't invalidate your feelings when you do it. 

Big hug addy. You are good. You are lovely. 

 

[addy2]

thankyou Kara you.are always so kind and lovely to me. I'm feeling desperate and scared, I had an appt with my psychologist it went ok she said she has to put the trauma work on hold. Then the other psychologist called me and she is going to call my psychologist and discuss her concerns that really is pointless. She said I need to make decisions but about what, I told her I want to leave they tell me I need to stay and the kids social worker was supposed to call out today and she didn't that's twice she has just not turned up now I'm angry and stressed like how are we meant to trust her or build a relationship with her, I have tried asking for help but no one is listening I seriously cant cope much longer.xx

[Kara.]

It does sound that there are different people with different interests in mind and that is not surprising as your children are dependent on you. So different people are thinking from different perspectives and priorities. I can understand how confusing this may be, especially when you want your children to be ok and also, when you want yourself to be ok. WHich I think it's great because you do deserve to be ok. Actually it seems that the other psychologist is having the role of fighting for you an for your recovery. She's putting yourself first. I wonder though, did you give permission for her to call yu T? Or is she doing it out of concern with your safety? Just curious. She certainly seems t care a lot for you addy. How do you feel about that?

I'm sorry that kids social worker hasn't turned up. These people are incredibly busy! But I don't think that it is true that no one is listening dear addy. You have mentioned people that are interested in you and people that do want to listen to you. 

Big hug and hold on tight. 

 

 

[addy2]

no she didn't ask my permission infact she said she knew she didn't have it and that I didn't want her too call her. I wasn't allowed to talk about it to her today, our pd group had a meeting and she runs it she said next time I find out what's happening should be from my psychologist, I get it she's trying to keep it all with the one person. But she hasn't helped I feel more alone than ever I hated being there today I don't belong to that group anymore I don't belong anywhere. I haven't spoken to my partner all day I cant tolerate him its all going to go crazy and if he doesn't go I will. Useless social worker that's twice she made an appt and just didn't turn up being busy is no excuse, careless is what she is well she isn't welcome now its too late and I know next week my therapist will discharge me because I am too unstable so I give up, totally its only a matter of time. Hugs to you too Kara xx

[Kara.]

Hello addy, how was your day today? I'm so sorry that things are tough for you at the moment. It's so hard to feel that we do not belong. This is more a feeling than reality though addy. You have already done amazing things in your life. 

Big hug.

[addy2]

its been a crap day Kara I stayed in bed until 2pm I couldn't face it. I'm stressed and angry I told him I'm not sure what's going to happen but he buries his head and pretends its all ok. I told him he really hurt me and he said there isn't anything he can do now ive told him I'm going to tell his aunt what he said as she thinks he is perfect. I asked him if it was reversed what would he do and he said leave so that says it all. Still no word from the social worker, the asd practioner said there was a crisis or something. The case meeting is meant to be next week. Its going to be i stay here simply because I have no other choice I'm so frustrated with it all. I have no time or patience for him I just wish he would leave. How was your day Kara? Xx