Ironic Arguments

[Data]

Tonight's family screaming match was.....

When I came home my wife was in a bad mood because she had lost her phone.  She thought it may be in her driving instructors car so I called her when she got home from work at 6pm, she went to her car, and it was.

My daughter need to take photos for a school competition, the deadline is in 2 days.  The site where we are taking photos is near the driving instructor, so we went out in the car and did both jobs.  Photos taken on her camera phone.  My wife got her phone back.

Then, 8.30pm, my daughter realises she has lost her phone!  Cue for 30 minutes of shouting and screaming, the house is turned upside down. Eventually my wife finds it down the back of the settee.

I said to my wife, you are 42 years old and not 42 months.  Thankfully I managed to remain calm, but she was screaming quite a lot.  Daughter was upset.  Son picks the wrong moment to wind mummy up by trying to ride on her back ("horsey"), which isn't appropriate for an 11 year old boy.

Fortunately the weekend was quite calm, but I knew it wouldn't be long before we are back at each other's throats again.

I am going out tomorrow night - leading 33 people on a 5 mile walk.  Its GREAT to get away from my family sometimes .

And I've just hurt my wife's leg because she didn't move quick enough and I have no patience with her.. really mature response NOT!  We are all at fault here.  Nothing will ever change though :(.

[addy2]

did you kick your wife? Maybe I picked you up wrong. How is your wives fault if your daughter lost her phone, she's old enough to look after it herself. Sounds stressful.

[Eagleheart]

So sorry you've been dealing with what sounds like chaos & high emotions. I know that for me,too many raised voices all at once makes me feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I hope the tension has eased off & if you can,get somewhere where you can take a breather. Even 5mins in the bathroom? I don't know. I just think you will benefit from having some quiet headspace.

[Jelly-bean]

did you really tell your wife that she is 42 yrs old not 42 months no wonder she was screaming then to barge through and hurt her! a marriage is team work, not point scoring put downs, and intentionally hurting each other mentally or physically ... undermining in front of the children sends the wrong signals to them, no wonder your son sort to I don't know sounds like he tried to defuse or enrage as why  should he have respect for his mum no one else seems to I know he has autism, but still it sounds like he has no respect for her ... addy is right your daughter is old enough to look after her stuff... maybe you both need to remind each other about the good times become a team again,

as you clearly struggle with how your family is right now and relationships are a work in progress, no communication leads to outbursts of emotion,

 reading this post made me feel like your very close too hurting your wife which im hoping you really don't want to, but if you felt that you got no time for her then surely you cant let that go on, if left it wont go away the feelings will get stronger...  

and maybe become so strong some one will end up getting hurt...

[walker]

data

nothing will change - UNLESS you change it

that is what everyone was always and still tells me

it pisses me off

but it is true

 

your wife I am almost certain - is dyspraxic - not that I am at all qualified to dx anything like that - but even if she isn't, she DOES have huge issues with organisation and her emotions

telling her she is not a baby will not help

but then you know that, don't you

it was a heat of the moment thing, I think

 

But also you know that you have ASD issues, as does your son

WHY IS NO ONE in your family getting help with any of this

ffs

go on the internet, find the charities that support these issues and TALK TO THEM

there may be nothing they can do but you can ask, cant you?

your wife wont wake up one day as the queen of organisation - if it has been hard for her for 42 years, why would it get easier now, with a family and home?

 

please seek out some support

this is NOT a criticism, I just dearly want you all to have better lives

xx

[Data]

There are good and bad ways of coping.  Its hard to do things perfectly when its a stress situation and people are screaming.  I didn't lose my temper when we were looking for the phone and I helped, which was good - even though I may have said some things that were not perfect.

My wife's leg was lightly bruised because I asked her to move the small table, which was in my way - she was closer to the table than me.  She didn't really respond very well, and I shoved the table out of my way and it knocked against her and hurt her leg.  I didn't intentionally hurt her.  What I should have done is explained that I wanted the table moved so that I could get to the light, and she would then have realised how far she needed to move it, and the situation could have been avoided.  Also I have a problem with people not listening to me, I am quite impatient.  I need to be aware of this in future, its a trigger for me, but that does not mean I have to behave inconsiderately towards others.

I have to go to work now, I will read again tonight.
 

[Data]

I have come home for lunch.  My wife is upset about "yesterday" - by that she means the coffee meeting she had with a lady.  She views yesterday's family argument as just a minor irritation.  The coffee morning was upsetting because the lady had different points of view to my wife and my wife says nobody thinks like she does and she is feeling isolated.  She wants to be amongst like-minded people but she can't find them.

 

My take on last night is - you know what - we were doing the best we could at the time.  I need to reflect on what I did and how I could have done better.  But I also need to give myself a break - it was a difficult situation and I could have done a lot worse.  And I've got to communicate more with my wife when we are in a good mood, so I can understand more how she feels.  Same with the kids.

[Eagleheart]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have got involved in this thread when I clearly don't understand the complexities of your situation.

 

I hope you can find help. For all of you.

[Data]

So sorry you've been dealing with what sounds like chaos & high emotions. I know that for me,too many raised voices all at once makes me feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I hope the tension has eased off & if you can,get somewhere where you can take a breather. Even 5mins in the bathroom? I don't know. I just think you will benefit from having some quiet headspace.

​I think that is good advice for the future.  The drawback of it is that if things are lost then it looks like you are not helping the family in that "time out".  Also if you leave for 5 mins when I return the danger is that the wife realises I've had "time out" and then starts getting defensive, asking if she has upset me.

But its definitely better to take some time out than losing my temper or saying inappropriate things!

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have got involved in this thread when I clearly don't understand the complexities of your situation.

 

I hope you can find help. For all of you.

​No thats ok, we only have words on here, we don't know the other users inside-out, your response was appreciated :).

[Eagleheart]

Thank you Data. That's reassuring.

[Data]

 

did you kick your wife? Maybe I picked you up wrong. How is your wives fault if your daughter lost her phone, she's old enough to look after it herself. Sounds stressful.

​No, I explained myself above, but you didn't have that explanation in my post, so I can understand your question.  It was my daughter's fault that she lost her phone.  Although my wife's response was inappropriate, she was screaming and that was making it worse.  Having said that, I think my wife has doing her best.

 

 

did you really tell your wife that she is 42 yrs old not 42 months no wonder she was screaming then to barge through and hurt her! a marriage is team work, not point scoring put downs, and intentionally hurting each other mentally or physically ... undermining in front of the children sends the wrong signals to them, no wonder your son sort to I don't know sounds like he tried to defuse or enrage as why  should he have respect for his mum no one else seems to I know he has autism, but still it sounds like he has no respect for her ... addy is right your daughter is old enough to look after her stuff... maybe you both need to remind each other about the good times become a team again,

as you clearly struggle with how your family is right now and relationships are a work in progress, no communication leads to outbursts of emotion,

 reading this post made me feel like your very close too hurting your wife which im hoping you really don't want to, but if you felt that you got no time for her then surely you cant let that go on, if left it wont go away the feelings will get stronger...  

and maybe become so strong some one will end up getting hurt... 

​You have read me wrong.  Your reply is a distortion of the facts, which focusses on the negative.  I am sometimes irritable with my wife, and I am not perfect, but I don't intentionally hurt her.  My wife undermines herself in front of the kids.  She can be bad-tempered and childish, and I try to be honest: often my 14 year old daughter is wiser and more mature than my wife.  

The problem isn't so much lack of communication just wrong communication, we communicate in a way that winds each other up.

I do love and respect my wife, I just don't know how to get through to her, it upsets me to see her sad :(.

 

data

nothing will change - UNLESS you change it

that is what everyone was always and still tells me

it pisses me off

but it is true

 

your wife I am almost certain - is dyspraxic - not that I am at all qualified to dx anything like that - but even if she isn't, she DOES have huge issues with organisation and her emotions

telling her she is not a baby will not help

but then you know that, don't you

it was a heat of the moment thing, I think

 

But also you know that you have ASD issues, as does your son

WHY IS NO ONE in your family getting help with any of this

ffs

go on the internet, find the charities that support these issues and TALK TO THEM

there may be nothing they can do but you can ask, cant you?

your wife wont wake up one day as the queen of organisation - if it has been hard for her for 42 years, why would it get easier now, with a family and home?

 

please seek out some support

this is NOT a criticism, I just dearly want you all to have better lives

xx

​Yes Sarah is dyspraxic.

I realise you are trying to help rather than criticise.

I just don't believe there is any help for us.  I'll leave it up to you to believe that this negativity is true, a symptom of me being depressed, a behaviour problem which is my fault or whatever.  

I called social services in once and they upset my wife and didn't help us.

Its the age of austerity, who helps anyone apart from those that are on the very edge?

[addy2]

I wish there was support for you data, we now have help from a social worker from the family intervention team we are struggling and I was honest about it and they are stepping in, is there something like that? I know your wife wont want social services involved neither did I but they can help. How are things today data, are they any calmer?

[walker]

Its the age of austerity, who helps anyone apart from those that are on the very edge?

indeed

but asking costs nothing and you might be surprised

 

ed. sorry that sounds glib -  since we know asking can cost hope and expectation and risk

[Jelly-bean]

my reply was a concerned reaction to your post it was not distorted or negative ... have you ever considered marriage counselling? it could be very helpful and if you say this is not helpful yet you feel sad you can not get through to you wife ... they may have ways you have not yet tried... this is not a negative to want some sort of change for you and your family outside help is sometimes better than just trying to cope with it but not knowing how too ..