I don't know how to not - HIGHLY TRIGGERING

[toaster]

TALK OF EXTREME SELF HARM

 

 

 

 

 

Hey

 

for years I've struggled with OCD without knowing what it was.  I never talked about it because of how weird it seemed.

its been accepted that my self harm and certain thoughts, along with my hoarding, is OCD related. I have a thought, it becomes n obsession, and unless I carry out the related compulsion, things will go wrong.

ive had an obsessive thought for some time now, one of cutting of my stomach.  These thoughts are similar to my jumping out the window and drinking the anti freeze, as well as taking my recent overdoses. I HAVE to do it.

ive ordered local anaesthetic, as well as disposable scalpels.  I've also ordered some speed-like drugs to make me high when doing the surgery.  I've looked up how to do it safely etc.

i want to do it but I do t want to want to do it, if that makes sense?  I'm excited yet nervous.

i know the dangers but I'm convinced I'm invincible. Please don't tell me the dangers or that I'm not invincible - I have heard it all.

my cpn is on leave this week.

i want y stomach gone.  But I also want to be normal.  I'm meant to be starting a counselling masters next month!

i see my psychiatrist next week.  My stuff probably won't have arrived by then.

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[Data]

I have had thoughts like this many times before, about hurting myself.  However I don't act on those thoughts.  The one time I acted on my thoughts about punching a steel door, I broke my hand and I am still in pain now - and that was over 20 years ago.

 

You know from your previous window experience that these things have lasting experiences - don't do it!!!

If your CPN is on holiday, is there anyone else you can reach out to for help?  Your partner?  The crisis team?  If not then your psychiatrist may be able to help.

 

I am not medically qualified but I don't think stimulants and local anaesthetic will do much for the pain of disembowelling yourself.  I imagine that it will be agonisingly painful, and you could bleed to death.

 

I am very concerned about you Toaster, there is a good person in there and I really hope you don't hurt yourself.

 

 

[bluemoon5]

hi Toaster,

I urge you to tell your psychiatrist about the stuff coming and get rid of it immediately and permanently. Seems just getting through this week until you see pdoc is what is important right now.

yes I understand the compulsion , what you want to do must have some meaning which is something for a later date to work out. to hurt yourself so horrifically tells me you are in extreme distress tough.

dear dear toaster please don't try this you are not invincible and will die. xxx

 

[Lily-Bee]

Toaster,

I understand from you the compulsion is there thats why you need to tell your psychiatrist.

Because this is something you want to be stopped, you want to be stopped doing this. I know you to be very smart and insightful there must be a part of you that knows however strong the urge this is a bad bad bad idea. You could die, when the drugs wear off youre going to be in unbelievable pain, it will not be pretty. If you survive youll have serious health issues and disfiguration for the rest of your life. You are not invincable, you are still human.

Plays listen to the healthy side in you that I know is there.

 

Lily

[Jelly-bean]

wow that is extreme, I have heard of this before a lot as it happens, even from my own daughter more to do with her having stretch marks, and what is known as the apron belly, which I have also, you have thought about this in depth even to go ahead and order stuff to aid you...

my worries you said not long ago you have your son with you ?  you know what I would say next ...

as lily says you want to be stopped, well I hope you want to, I have had surgery and when you come too, the pain is immense, id say to much for someone to be on there own ...

you also share about your previous compulsions, I remember that you were scared from your jumping out of the window which impacted on you  having or wanting surgery for the scares, you were left with not including the trauma you suffered too,

I hope you get to discuss this with your pdoc and you are helped through this compulsion... to a much more healthier solution

hoping you talk ... I mean really talk before the compulsion becomes more real..

[toaster]

Thanks for replying guys.  

Some of the stuff came this morning.  Not all of it.  So there's no immediate risk.

i have this picture in my head, almost fantasy like, of how it will be and I can't seem to rid myself of the idea that it will all be ok.

one of my workers told me to go away and look up deaths caused by self surgery - I ended up finding a load of stuff on people who did it successfully.  That just encouraged me.

im also lying to my other half as well.  I'm lying about how much money I've spent and what bills have been paid.  I can pay the bills on Tuesday but I hate the lying.  She's stressed enough as it is.

its like...one part of my life is going well, I've had an interview today for a support worker job that leads on to me becoming a counsellor when I've had my training for a year.  I have other opportunities in the pipe line.  Then there's the other part of me that won't let get go of the madness.  Some of the madness I feel as though I have no control over - I can control my reactions but not the thoughts and feelings.

i need to think.  

[Dice]

I understand the whole OCD thoughts very much, And it's not something what can just be " Dropped " From our minds, Even thought we know it's not something we want in there, It goes round and round... We know it's bad but I guess that sometimes can make us more obsessed with it, If that makes sense???...

Like at the end of the day it's just a thought ( I'm not saying that to disrespect you and your thoughts of it... ) But it is just a thought, That won't go away and it does not mean you need to do it, Does it??? 

I spoke with my psychotherapist the other week about an OCD thought of mine, And in the end she said about A mouse what was sitting on top of a block of cheese and the outer of the cheese was red, I laughed and since then I keep seeing it and it's started waving and moving it just won't go away... So I guess what I am trying to say ha, Is they is no fundamental reason whatsoever to become obsessed with this mouse but I have,  And the other thoughts of mine they is a cause... So finally I'm getting there ( Sorry ) , Is there a fundamental reason why you need to do it to your tummy??? Do you hate it??? Insecure maybe??? What is it about your tummy that you feel like you have to do it???...

 

I hope I've made a bit of sense :/ ... 

[Data]

It sounds like you are feeling a bit better now Toaster - I am glad you didn't hurt yourself.

[Kara.]

Toaster, I hope that you do not do such thing to yourself. I must say that i can't help being curious about such dramatic urge. I can't try to make sense of it but surely, as Dice suggested, there is a meaning behind your 'fantasies' and compulsions?

Please keep safe and hold on to the part of you that wants you to be alive and 'normal' as you put it. Do you think that the part that feels invincible may have been built up as a reaction to extreme situations in your life? 

Hugs.

[toaster]

Thanks for the replies.

 

i ordered all me stuff and received it.  Steph was wild with worry. I was so blasé about it all, but I can see it from her point of view.  I reluctantly handed over my tools - this was hard, this was my 'thing', I HAD to do it.

 

im going to start a new thread about the outcome of a meeting today.  It's all intertwined but I feel I need to start it from a more positive point of view.

 

thank you everyone xxx