Self help?

[Bluehorizon]

Been isolating myself again recently. Partly due to shame as I've been making silly impulsive  decisions and also had a hard time at work so I've kept a lot to myself as not wanting to admit what a fuck up I am.

Even with therapist it took a few weeks to work back and say things that have been going on recently. She asked me what I do to help myself and I think she was hinting about being with people and stop isolating, asked ifI was embarrassed to disclose to her, have I confided in anyone else. Don't really have any close that I would trust with all this stuff.

So this site came to my mind and I told her about it and that people here are going through same stuff. I didn't really feel welcome and I know that's nothing to do with people here, just my own insecurities. So maybe I should vent here more? I don't know.

I don't know how to 'help myself'.'

[Pickle59]

Hello ((((BlueHorizon))))),

I'm sorry to hear you haven't felt particularly welcomed here, though I hear too that our own insecurities can play a huge part in how we feel.................it is quiet, mind here just now, so if you haven't had many responses, just to reassure you, it won't be personal at all...................

I hear you about isolating and in the end, this isn't really very good for us................I can be an arch isolater and I have to force myself out of it.............it seems to be a default.of mine.............

From my own experience it really can be so healing and releasing to be able to open up and be listened to............I also hear about the trusting to open up..........Why not give your therapist a chance re opening up.................I know it is difficult, it has taken me over a year to really open up with my therapist, but when I did, it was and is like a huge weight lifted and lifting, and in my case, if our stuff isn't safe with a therapist, then that would be very worrying indeed.........with professional guidelines and all that....................Sometimes opening up though can be difficult because it means facing ourselves and sometimes, this can be the hardest challenge...................Write and write and write..............there will be listenings here, even if it is quiet at mo............Pickles.xxx

[Bluehorizon]

Thanks. No I didn't mean that people weren't welcoming here, I've had great words of encouragement. I guess its about belonging, but I have a problem belonging to most environments.

With therapist I have opened up to a point but still have this issue of sitting on something that is upsetting me, like I want to feel it myself for a while before I go sharing it with anyone. Usually by that time I've spiralled and made it ten times worse but I know that this stems from the past and keeping a burden to myself for years, I've learned not to say anything.

I'm probably not the easiest client to deal with so I'm wondering if she is directing me to somewhere like this as she knows she can't get it out of me, and maybe by sharing in a place like this it will make it less painful to open old wounds.

I write... a lot. I tend to get rid of what I've written, so its probably don't just to exorcise the demons in a cathartic way more than anything. 

I'm troubled today by a relationship I messed up and can't help thinking that I had a real shot at happiness and have thrown it all away. I'm resolved to not revisit that tho, as its damaging to both of us, despite my best of intentions. I miss her so much. She will know that so I don't even feel there is a need to tell her. I just want to say sorry. 

So many bridges burned, I need to stop doing this. 

[Pickle59]

Hi, I'm sorry if I misinterpreted re welcoming ............that's great you have had many words of encouragement.xxx

I do understand about the belonging, or needing to belong and finding it difficult to do so...............I can find all sorts of reasons for not belonging here for instance......like I don't really fit..........and yet I do..............on the other hand...........blooming frustrating is my head.

Was just thinking,.............Saying sorry can beautiful and can be very healing...........maybe you could express this when you feel might be the right time?

Try not to beat yourself up for what you described as having a real shot at happiness and feeling you'd thrown it all away................relationships are the hardest thing aren't they?

Please take care and try not to ruminate too much.xxx

Thinking of you in all this,

Pickles.xxx

 

 

 

[Bluehorizon]

Thank you.

Re: past relationship, I won't be saying sorry as I just can't go back and reopen those feelings, it really is better that I stay away, even tho this person has contacted me since then. Sent me a text on my birthday that felt awful to ignore but I knew going back down that path would do neither of us good.

I guess belonging is a strange concept, I've always kind of felt alone in the world, telling myself it's better that way, safer that way but I guess human nature means that we all need someone.

I wish the best for you too, Pickles. God, why is life so hard for us while so effortless for everyone else?

[poppy1972]

Hi Blue, 

It's really hard isn't it, I can hear what you are saying and I just want to let you know if you write, I'll read, I may not always answer straight away as sometimes even I don't know what to say.

I get you completely when you say you don't belong, I still don't get it, and I'm struggling so much to understand how this is me. But other people are telling me it is and as a professional colleague I have to believe that they are telling me the truth. 

You say your inability to open up with your therapist stems from the past but you recognise this so you have insight which is great, knowing why is a good point to start from. US it possible to vBulletin work through the why it's hard to open rather than opening up, once you've got a professional opinion in the matter with your insight you should be able yo work on the opening.

One thing that give me optimism that you can do this is that you write things down, even if you destroy it. In some work I've done with my MHN about opening up one of the ways we've agreed on is email.

I can't open in the office when I see him as I feel stupid, one of my biggest fears is developing dependence on transference on him, this stems from a disastrous meeting with a community mental health nurse who told me that working with a previous therapist for 3years was appalling and I was obviously dependent on him for paternal approval. Once I'd realised that this was impacting on my current therapist I wrote it down everything I was worried about relating dependence and how I'd recognise this again and how to stop it. I posted that letter all the crossing outs, mistakes and all. 5 minutes that's all it took to sort out these fears.

We set some ground rules and he gave me an email address, if it's something big that worries me I can e-mail if it's small I write it down and try to deal with it myself, if I can't then I email but only after I've tried.

Is it possible for you to post your letters to your therapist, we are often more honest on paper, again writing it in a blog or in my case in a paper journal works, my MHN reads my journal if I need him to, it also gives him insight into how I respond to the therapy we do.

Without your relationship are you definitely sure that it was such a problem to your partner or is it how you think you should feel, the reason I ask I don't think she would have contacted you if it was so toxic for her unless it was abusive from her to you (sorry) if so.. it may be enough to say sorry or even Hi, good to hear from you, do not close the door until you've hashed this out with your therapist to see where it really went wrong, you deserve to be happy and if this relationship could have been it then you owe it to both of you to analyse it properly.

We can have real relationships I've been married 25 years this year and I was married at 18, my husband would quite happily tell you I wasn't the easiest person to live with, but having the diagnosis make a some of the things I've done in the past understandable.

Anyway enough of the essay, I just wanted you to know you belong and aren't alone.

Keep talking

Poppy xx

[Bluehorizon]

Thank you for taking time to read and reply Poppy.

I will be the first to admit I am not perfect and have done wrong and probably driven people away and yes, I carry that with me and have paid the price for pushing away good people. Only reason I feel that I can justify feeling hurt myself is that anything I've done has never been to hurt anyone. I don't understand myself enough to know why but I want to say sorry to so many people. I became involved in a very controlling relationship, her over me. She had her own issues and I see that and even therapist said that we were a lethal combination. But i still can't help feeling that she did me good as equipped me with tools and experience, but it was all negative things... making me more paranoid.... things I learned to push people even further away. God I can't even type this out its coming to me so fast.

I am so awkward with therapist and I have been very honest and told of my chequered past where I've terminated therapy and given them a really hard time trying to help me. Why do I do that? When that person is there to help me and I won't let them, or avoid the issue and terminate when I don't want to go any further. It's like I'm physically there but not cooperating. I honestly do think I'm terrified of opening the door, that I can pretend to and get close but as soon as i pull on the handle, something within me wants to slam it closed and walk away. Sometimes I can't even write and destroy the thoughts that come up. Putting pen to paper makes it real and I don't want it to be real. Just a mess inside. Was ok when I started writing this and now crying.

I was in an online relationship and I fucked it up when I should have clung onto it. This is the one who has contacted me and I have ignored. How cowardly and pathetic.

It is for the best. I cannot go back there and hurt her again. If she knows me then she will know I am sorry.

I sometimes feel imprisoned in my own mind. I can't get away from myself. I can't help but think I am toxic and people who come into contact with me suffer cos of it. I think that's when I isolate. I feel like along the way I've gone wrong and not faulty and not worth fixing. This is an area that I am trying to work on, as my self worth is gone, I have become used to thinking I can throw my life away, like i am disposable and like I almost expect me to end my life at some point. 

I can't live the rest of my life like this.

 

[ElizabethH14]

Hi Bluehorizon,

I can understand exactly what you are saying.

I am in therapy and so far I have learnt that this push-pull from within is due to split modes of our personality.

Look up Jeffrey Young Schema Therapy.

So with me it goes like this. Part of me wants help, feels terrible. Part of me feels "normal" doesn't want any help from T. Part of me watches over and defends. So when the hurt part talks to therapist and gets very upset, the defender jumps in stops it all. I can't cry can't talk feel nothing! Sounds completely weird, maybe someone out there understands this. Sometimes I get very angry say horrific things I don't want to say but can't stop. It is as if I have to act a different part and have no control over the act. When it is finished and I have said things I can't take back, my normal part just wants to forget it all and carry on as usual, but off course this doesn't work with people who can't understand why I behave like this.

So we avoid people. In one year we moved house 7 times. This is one way not to have to make deeper relationships work.

Big hugs take care 

Elizabeth

[poppy1972]

Sorry for the deIay in replying unfortunately my night was disrupted by our next door neighbour  Adam the arsonist who set fire to our other neighbours shed and house

 

I hear you, I understand, you are opening up and that's great.

What I want you to consider is can you show your post to your therapist? It's honest and its a starting point for conversation.

You are worthy of life and living and having a loving non toxic relationship, but can you see the relationship (online) one from both sides or are you punishing yourself for having a happy time for a short time? That's not clear from what you write, how did you hurt her in an online conversation and how do you know you did,?

One of the things I struggle with is online conversations because you can read them in your own voice and seeing as though you beat yourself up are you reading them correctly? This is something I do, fir example a colleague sent an email that just said Fine, H. I read that as FINE, I'm angry with you, you are not listening to me, I'm cross with you that's why I didn't acknowledge you by name,  it was meant as go ahead that's okay, it's fine, no problems, I now know she never says  , dear poppy, or hi, 3 words could be considered an essay especially if one word will do. Do you think you may do that?

I've read some good work about C PTSD which describes toxic relationships and BPD thinking, there's a good free bookcalled its not you it's what happened to you if you have a kindle, it's the first time I've been able to relate to the relationship stuff and why I act like I do in them. It may be with a look over, it's not a self help book, just a text book .

 

Can I ask is your therapist male or female? I've worked with both sexes and I know despite the back ground I come from I work a lot better with males, there seems to be less How are you and more what are you going to do about it, I also find it easier to open up as whether rightly or wrongly I feel less able to shock/upset them, I just wondered if it was something you'd explored?

Anyway enough with the barrage if questions, keep talking that's the main thing.  I'm off to sleep now I was up until 4 dealing with 3small children and 2 angry adults, the police and fire brigade, then the ambulance for the baby who had smoke inhalation wheezing.

Just to end on a positive and when you reply you must have a positive too, I'm off to accept an award for inspirational teaching by a university lecturer, nominated by my students..

Night 

Poppy x