I'm back, life update

[b0bulat0r]

so its been about 6 months since I posted on here,

 

the main reason I stopped was that at the time the website had just changed and I had huge technical problems trying to get logged in or to post, in the end I ended up giving up on trying and this meant I had to deal with alot of things by myself, I sort of got used to doing that and just stopped checking in.

but I've been thinking about this forum alot recently, about people i miss talking to, about the fact that this was one of the only places I could talk about issues that really mattered to me and not get judged for it, so here is me trying to get back,

 

So whats going on,

 

well life is actually pretty pants at the moment,

 

I am recovering from having had kidney stones, I'm feeling better than I was but still very sore, I think its bruising from where they passed, I went to the doctors and he said I had a kidney infection and gave me antibiotics I went back as I was getting worse not better and was in so much pain and thats when he diagnosed It was kidney stones, I was given very strong pain killers and told they would either pass naturally or I would have to go to hospital to have them removed there,

worst pain I've ever experienced in my life, would not wish this on anyone, seriously it was utter hell.

 

my sister moved out in july, she got engaged in august and whilst I am happy for her, there are two things that upset me about this, first of all, I have lunch with my sister on a thursday and a friday, these 2 hours are now the only time I see her in a week where as before she moved out I saw her everyday, its a weird adjustment because we are not as close as we used to be, secondly my sister is two years younger than me and so her getting engaged before I do kinda makes me feel like a failure, I mean she has always been more social than I am but seeing her happily engaged reminds me of what i'm missing.

 

I turned 29 in august and so 30 approaches, the fact that i'm still single alone (and lonely) is a depressing factor, I have tried to tell myself its not a big deal, I am "used" to being single and i can do that but it feels like a huge thing is missing, it feels like i am incomplete and to be honest being in love is a big important thing to me, I'm not career driven or money driven or anything like that but getting married has always been a dream of mine so it saddens me that this is still soo far out of reach. I pretend I'm happy by myself but its a lie, I am lonely and I'd give anything to find someone I can give my entire heart to and I feel I have so much love to give.

 

my dad is signed off work again with stress, I am paying more and more to help them with their bills because he isn't coping, its difficult to deal with my own conditions and depression at times but when you have a father who tells you daily there is no point to life and that he wants to commit suicide it really doesn't help your mood at all and ends up with me feeling like what is the point?

my employers have just merged with another group who officially took over on the 1st of november, from the 1st of sept next year they are moving us all on to one site so I will have to change buildings and move offices which is stressful in itself, they say at the moment there won't be any job loses but I don't believe a word of it at the moment and I am very nervous about the whole thing.

 

my sleep pattern is still abysmal, I got two hours sleep last night, which is about my average. I've been working with an autistic student and he suffers the same way, someone at autism bedford suggested that there was a chemical reason why autistic sufferers struggle to sleep and that there was something that could be done to fix it, I've got a meeting come up with them about the student in question but i'd be interested in what they have to say because it might help me out as well. I haven't "slept well" now for 11 years.

 

so overall, i'm exhausted, physically drained and sore and depressed, but I am ALIVE and I am still here, incase anyone actually happened to miss me.

I will try to post more often,

 

Rob

 

[holli]

Yikes! Kidney stones are horribly painful. I remember being in hospital for meningitis and there was a guy in there with kidney stones and he looked way worse then me.

Thanks for your reply to my topic. It is nice to know that there are others out there that feel similar. Sucks that it is so hard to meet them all!

I think letting go of normal social expectations has helped me get over some of the stigma of being different - not wanting kids at my age etc. Sometimes I think that I must be seen as the loser of the family as everyone else seems to be so much more settled but then I think of actually having their life and it doesn't appeal to me.

Hope you find someone too, like you said there is someone out there for everyone - the trick is finding them! lol

[addy2]

Hi its lovely to see you back, I am sorry to hear you are in pain and not sleeping well. I have autistic kids who struggle with sleep too. The site is really quiet since it changed but some of us are still around I check in here every few days I miss everyone that left and I hope they are ok, and I am so glad you are ok I missed you. I like to think you will meet the right person some day relationships are hard, my partner and I recently split up after almost 18yrs it was near impossible to be without him even though hes not ideal as a partner to the point I had to get a molestation order against him but anyway hes back now I'm not sure if its a bpd thing but I basically cease to exist when he isn't around couldn't eat, sleep od even pick clothes. I hope you stay around I'm so glad your back xxx

[Saharah Blue]

Sounds like your are under so much pressure and I can really relate to, just getting on and coping alone and getting use to it and not checking in. I find myself in this place too. Also what you wrote about with the extra pressure to help your family reminds me of my own, except mine seems to be emotionally trying to help prop people up with little return or appreciate and I think it is just down right draining with MH to boot.