hi remember me?

[lonelyheartemma]

It's been a while and the forum seems much quieter but I hope you remember me. It might even have been 6 months since I last posted. How are you all?

I now have my own flat. I moved in this week. It's a beautiful flat- much bigger than I was expecting and completely new. I haven't been here long but I'm quite comfortable with the cooker and remembering to wash up.

There was a bit of trouble getting the flat. I needed a lot more points but I wasn't able to get any as the housing officer told the council I have a mental age of 9. She says this is what my social worker told her and knowing my social worker, anything is possible! I was supposed to see my social worker today but she cancelled again. It used to annoy me when she cancelled or forgot an appointment but it happens so often I'm half-expecting it now. She is lovely though and she means well. 

It was odd though - the housing officer made a report about the council housing decision at a meeting. My social worker says she was at the meeting and she corrected the mistake but she says my OT was not present at the meeting. My OT says she was at the meeting and she corrected the mistake but she says my social worker was not at the meeting. So does this mean there were 2 meetings?

Anyway the housing officer felt awful about her mistake and although she was about to leave her job, she wanted to correct her mistake first so she went back to the council with the correct information and I think she might have overdone it a bit out of guilt as I got another 50 points. This took me to the top of the housing list and as soon as an appropriate flat became available, I made a bid and now here I am in the flat

I also got my English Language and English Literature AS results in the summer and got 2 A*s. I'll get my full A Levels next summer. I was really happy about the results but also at the same time I was kind of angry with all the English teachers at school who told me I was illiterate and no good at English. I think I must be quite good if I can get A*s. If they'd given me a bit of encouragement, maybe I'd have worked at my GCSEs and stayed at school. But better late than never.

My health still isn't brilliant - physical or mental - but my immune system is back to normal so I can work with ill people if I want to. I'm fine with blood now and a lot more tolerant of other bodily fluids. I'd like to be a dispenser in a pharmacy, perhaps in the hospital. I'm going to start off by doing first aid training and become a volunteer. I hope this will demonstrate my interest in medical matters, allow me to get used gradually to working with people, and if I do well at volunteering I hope they'll be able to give me a reference. I only need GCSEs to be a dispenser but by the summer I should have 3 A Levels (I have one already, though I only got a D for Welsh). I don't want to go to university though! I'd rather just work.

My relationship with my mum has improved. She still has digs at me sometimes and they really hurt but she's been mostly been supportive about the flat and has let me make my own decisions about buying and arranging furniture. My parents are still driving to the house most days with my belongings and they have never complained. They have even bought some of my furniture for me- they did that for my sister so they felt they had to do the same for me but I have less expensive tastes than my sister and more of an eye for a bargain so I'm able to keep their costs down. 

I have a boyfriend too. He's really sweet and lovely but he's asexual which is perfect because I don't want to have sex either. We just cuddle a lot and kiss a bit and that's enough . We would both like to have a baby one day (though we've only spoken generally) but we can think about methods if and when we want to. And there's no danger of a baby coming along before we're ready! I talk to him when I want to hurt myself and he's always really kind. He talks to me when he has a bad day at work, which is quite often  He loves his job but he has difficult workmates who make him anxious. I think they're very lucky to work with him because he's really lovely and clever and hardworking   

I still want to die sometimes. Quite badly. I fantasise about doing things to myself. But I never actually do it and it passes. That's something my boyfriend says to me when I went to die- 'You've felt like this before and so far it has always passed'. For now it works. I love him

I think this post is long enough now!

PS I couldn't get a bpd diagnosis as the psychiatrist thinks people with bpd don't care about other people. Having been on this site I know this is rubbish but I can't convince her. But she did give me a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder. So that was nice. In a weird way. I knew there was something and it's good to have it partly confirmed.

[Kitsune]

Hi Emma,

                   The forum is very quiet at the moment, so it may take a while for people to reply. But I remember you and just want to say a big well done, look at how far you have come in the short space of 6 months! It is wonderful to hear all the positive things that you have achieved and that are happening for you and it's great that you came back to tell us, your story can give us all hope that things can and will get better and that we can lead good lives alongside the issues which we face.

I have a big smile in my face for you!

Kitsune xx

[artemis84]

Wow Emma!! That is all amazing news! I am SO glad you have your own place now, that will be so good for you. And the AS levels - fantastic! And the boyfriend - you have done so much and seem to be so positive, it is all great news, I am really happy for you.

Your psychiatrist needs HER head seeing to - saying people with BPD don't care about others, how offensive (yes I have the diagnosis but like you have seen so many others on here who care so much).  But anyway, that's not your fault!

I haven't been active on here for ages either but for less good reasons - I was in a psych hospital for 3 months over the summer and things have been REALLY tough since as well but one day at a time....

Anyway, enough about me - and well done you!! 

[Saharah Blue]

I am seriously happy and impressed for your ability to push your independence forward. What great news and especially with the relationship,congrats Emma you have done so much I a really glad you came back to write about it, it seems a lot of the old members are doing well in their lives and forging happy days.

Sending loads of love and hugs and wtg girl!

[Data]

I am really pleased you have got your independence from your parents, that is great :).

 

I think getting 2 A*s shows that your mental age is greater than 9!

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate them all.

I came back the day after I posted this and saw the 1st couple of messages, meant to reply but got caught up in something, then came back again the next day to discover I had no internet. I had none for about 2 weeks but survived without it. Then I just got caught up in other stuff, I'm sorry. Not having a good day today but it helps to see all these replies.

Kitsune thank you, it was really good to get your message. I'm glad it came over as giving you hope and not boasting or anything. I appreciate it that you mentioned that I was having a good life alongside the issues as they are still very much here especially today.

Artemis I'm sorry you were in hospital. I hope things are better now, sorry it's been so long. I was shocked when my psychiatrist said that as I really respect her so much. She usually has such a good understanding of everything. Maybe she just hasn't met many people with BPD? But she is definitely wrong!

Sah thank you, atm my life seems just the same in terms of badness but you are right, there are good things. My relationship is still good, he's not very happy at all which I was going to write about but the actual relationship is good.

Data thank you, it is good to be independent. Even though I'm having a bad day I'm glad to be here and not there! That's true, I suppose not many 9 year olds have any sort of A Level. I think for independent living social and emotional intelligence are more important than intellectual though you do need some but with Language and Literature you are writing about people all the time, you need to be able to understand the emotions of characters and I've done a bit of Sociolinguistics and a bit of Psycholinguistics and I think maybe you need more than an intellectual understanding for that? I'm not totally sure, I might not be stupid but there's so much I'm still figuring out.