tryingtobepure Posted December 26, 2015 Report Share Posted December 26, 2015 I don't remember much of my childhood prior to the age of 8. That's when I started to notice the depression creep up.... And by the age of 13, I had developed Anorexia, so the next 6 years of my life were primarily consumed with hospital stays and doctors. My codependent mother was my care giver at the time, so we became very enmeshed. There was alot of fighting over me trying to hide food, not gaining enough weight, sneaking exercise, ect... It was difficult to have someone so emotionally invested in me in charge of my treatment, especially in absence of them having their own emotional stability. To this day though, if you ask my mom about her mental health, drinking, anything... She will deny having any problems and tell you that I ruined the family with my "disorder"....No one in my family can forget about my eating disorder... But what they fail to realize is that my eating disorder is just a symptom of my borderline, which I was not diagnosed with until the age of 22... That was after 3 years of complete hell....At the age of 19, I began binge eating and self-harming... I had ended up finishing high school through an online program, since my poor health required me to be absent so much. But this forced me to miss out on alot of important social milestones and learned skills. I wanted to have friends though and be liked, so fell into many very foolish situations, due to e being naive, starved for attention, and not so confident after the weight I'd gained binge eating. I had gotten above a non-emaciated body mass index for the first time in my life, so guys finally noticed me. And this is where the running from myself really began....I serial dated. I let people sleep with me when I didn't want to sleep with them. I would let people do whatever they wanted to me, just so I wouldn't be alone. I didn't know ho to connect to anyone otherwise.... I watched one of my ex's lose his mind do to drugs.... Another one of my ex's got me pregnant and then convinced me to get an abortion.... There were alot of manipulative people here and there that just wanted to sleep with me... And I knew it.... Didn't really mind, because I was kind of manipulating in a sense, using their desire for company.... But it started to get to me after a while....Because I realized that I had become an adult chronologically, but never actually... My parents, while never really emotionally present or capable of being supportive, always covered me financially.... They didn't make me get a job while I was anorexic... And during the next few years, I was usually living with a guy or attempting to go to college.. I have always done well in school, but haven't been able to stick with it since highschool.... I don't know what it is anymore, but my mind goes in so many different directions, that even the simplest of tasks, like getting dressed or buying groceries, takes on the complexity of a physics equation. After a while, I will just get so exhausted that I shut down... Sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week, or as of most recently for months...I finally met an induvidual this past summer who genuinely cared for me,,, He was respectful towards me and actually spent alot of time getting to know me, playing music with me, and trying to understand what I was going through, before anything physical occured. He tried his best to learn about borderline personality disorder, witnessed the way that my parents interacted with me, and helped me to move out of their house in with him...There, I was out of a dysnfunctional home, but around really normal, functioning people, which was intimidating. I had to go into the psych ard after a nervous breakdown for a few days, but he took me there and called as much as he was allowed.... He also helped me to get into therapy afterwards, and would assist me in making a daily routine for myself for the next day, every night before we fell asleep....He would put up with my irrational fears, listen to me, read my writing, listen to my songs.... He stood in the kitchen once as I was swinging my fists at him, trying to get sugar to binge on, and still stayed with me after that.... We were together for 4 months when I sabotaged the relationship.... It had obviously been stressful on him, dealing with my angry outbursts, paranoias, compulsions, ect.... And one morning when I was very depressed and binge eating, refusing to get out of bed, he left and said he needed space for the day.I percieved this as abandonement and kissed another guy.. I told him about it, and he told me I had to leave the house.... I had to move in with the other guy for a week, and then went into a month long treatment program for self-injury that was half way across the country.... The program really did not help alot, because I was very preoccupied with the living situation. Nonetheless, I managed to go 23 days of not hurting myself.... I showered every day, got dressed, did an hour of yoga, ate healthy, tried really hard to love myself....Then, once I really realized that my ex was gone, that the one person who had come the closest to understanding me was in the past, I lost it... And started binge eating again... didnt get out of bed... didnt go to groups... didnt shower.... reality set in, and things seemed utterly hopeless. So I ended up just signing out of the program, so shy of completing it....Upon arriving home, I moved again, in with a girl I'd known since I was 2.... I went from living in the city to a very isolated area.... and kept binge eating. I also fell into a very deep depression and totaled my car as a result of an overdose that I took while trying to kill myself. The scariest part of this is that I have no memory of anything....My parents moved me back into their house after I ended up in the hospital from the car wreck.And here I am, almost a month later, without a liscence or job, still fighting the food addiction, 30 lbs. heavier than I was when I got back.... Not able to enjoy anything that once brought me happiness... Completely nuerotic, and in absense of many resources....There are no therapists in my area that specialize in borderline.... My parents just don't get it... I am constantly worried about dumb things like clothes or not measuring up or things breaking and falling apart... The only comfort that I know how to give myself is through food, alcohol, or temporarily escaping by going out if someone is willing to pick me up. I think about my ex everyday and wish I could take back what I did. I can't stop hating myself for that. But moreso, I can't stop hating myself for being 23 with no job expirience, no job, no formal college education (even though I've been in college four times and dropped out), no self-discipline, motivation, or inspiration... And really, very little belief that anything is going to help....Even though this has been going on for a few years, there at least used to be things I enjoyed doing with my time, like making music, reading, walking, running, yoga, writing, sewing, drawing, decoration, shopping.... I also used to be fairly intellegent and always learning something. But lately, my focus is not with me. I have barely any support... And no one in my life that actually understands borderline....I saw a therapist for an assessent last week and am hoping that I can find more forms of treatment or paths to pursue,,,, I really just need to change.... Take some responsibility for myself... Accept that I need to be alone... And learn how to still make the best of my life that I can even if no one is watching.... How to give myself the best no matter what... Like I seriously have a hard time even letting myself wear clothes that make me feel nice if I am not leaving my house.... It is hard for me to do anything good if I don't get to tell someone about it.... If I don't get to internalize it.... I used to make youtube videos to reflect on my days, ect, but stopped doing that when my phone stopped uploading for some reason....I just really hate that I have virtually no concrete independence..... That is something I really have to figure out a way to achieve. I feel so rotten living off of my parents.... Especally given the state of our relationship.... I wish I knew enough about myself to make my own life. But how does one learn about someone that they can't even find to be there? I literally have been eating myself to sleep everynight, because I am so lonely I don't know how else to feel whole.... And it is really destroying my health, confidence,and ability to go through with anything positive. I fear that I have lost myself :/ Where to start in this journey of finding? I can't stand going on like this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Wow, such an honest open share of your soul. I appreciate that in people. I hope that some of the information here in bpd world has been useful to you.. I hope you are well out there....Peace Out From mbb x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Hey again, I have not been here for a few months, hope that you continue to be well and courageous in your truth. Peace out mbb x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimboski Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 I echo what MMB said. I too hope you are getting some help and peace. Your first post was amazingly open and honest. Please don't give up! Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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