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I'm so envious of my cousin


mrs brightside

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I have BPD and I've had a very hard life. I have no degree and im on sick and have been for nearly 10 years now - isuffer badly with BPD, depression, anxiety etc.. I am so envious of my cousin

I come from a working class dysfunctional Irish family. When I was 10 my mother left me and my four siblings. I was emotionally abused by my mum's sister and my dad, i was the eldest. I grew up in Ireland with mental health issues and nobody ever helped me. My mother's other sister had two children- my cousin Clare.

Clare is 33 years old and has a phD, she studied for 12 years - she has a Bsc, two masters degrees and a phD. She lives in Norway and works as a senior researcher at a university. She did her phD in Holland, living there for 10 years and learning Dutch as well. I am just so envious of her, i feel like a piece of shit. I had none of the advantages she has had. I mean I thought it was hard to get funding to do 1 masters never mind 2. I know for a fact that she has had plenty of financial help from the "Bank of Mum & Dad"

I have a partner who I love to bits and he loves me, but I still feel so hard done by - how can i stop being so hard on myself, Clare makes me feel suicidal

Thanks for reading

Shelley

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or she took out a loan, or had her workplace pay for it, or got a scholarship. 

i guess the world isn't a fair place, but then try not to let it get to you. perhaps you need to spend less time with your family, if they're getting you down.

 

 

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  • 5 weeks later...

Mrs brightside, it's very very tough to feel that way. I find envy and shame the 2 most difficult feelings (maybe this can be open for discussion) I have felt. I'm sure that you know that to have and to be are 2 different things and that you know that human value is not measured by the amount of diplomas one has. But our society does place great value in these and we do end up comparing ourselves to others. I think though that you are also realizing how much the support of a loving family can make or break a person. For some people, to get out of bed everyday is a bigger achievement than doing 2 masters and 1 phd. Having gone through trauma and survive is a huge achievement but these things are not valued by others.

When you think of your cousin you give her all the qualities that you too have. In my mind you have achieved a lot by just being alive. I have no doubts about that because I have some experience of bpd. I do understand though how you feel and I'm really sorry.

Big hug. 

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