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struggling


lonelyheartemma

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I'm struggling today. I feel really sad and low. It's hard to find motivation to do anything. I just want to go to bed and hide for a bit.

For about the last week I've been supporting my boyfriend who is struggling much worse than me. I don't think he's suicidal and he's not officially depressed but he's not happy. He had a bad experience at work which was so not his fault. He was asked to do something that isn't in his job description and which he hasn't been trained for and which isn't a 1 person job anyway. He couldn't do it and it made the situation worse. He's really upset about it. He's crying a lot which isn't like him and he's called in sick every day which he never does- he had a really bad cold a few months ago and he went in every day. I just made him a bubble bath so I could write this, I hoped it would help but he's probably just crying in there. I'm trying to find a balance between letting him feel what he's feeling and trying to distract him with small things like TV or a book or something but I don't know if I got the balance right. I took him out shopping with me once but he got really anxious over the self service. I've said a few times he should contact his psychiatrist (he's got anxiety) but he won't. I'm not sure there's any point anyway because of the limits on therapy. I made sure he eats regular meals but he doesn't usually eat very much. I cook every night and I like doing that.

I'm also breaking my tenancy rules because he's only supposed to stay over 2 nights a week but he hasn't been home because he lives with people he works with and he doesn't want to see them. They've tried contacting him but he won't talk to them. It's okay for now because I'm allowed to have people stay with me for a couple of weeks as 'holiday' but I don't know what will happen when the 2 weeks ends except I can't throw him out. I just try to cuddle him and listen to him and reassure him but I don't know if I'm doing it right.

It's not his fault I feel bad though. My parents are being quite interfering, moving stuff around in my flat, going in my cupboards, offering to come round to 'help me tidy up' even though everyone else says it's really tidy, telling me what to cook for dinner even though I've got it all planned. I'm too scared to tell them to stop so I just put up with it because at least they are never here for long. They pretty much ignore my boyfriend which I find rude but that's what they do if they don't approve. My social worker is lovely but keeps making promises she can't keep or if she does keep them she gets confused and arranges the wrong thing. So everything is very slow. It's only small things really but there seem to be so many small things at the moment!

Got to go now, sorry.

 

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Sounds like everything is starting to get on top of you.

From my perspective it is best to tackle on issue at a time, so even though it is annoying having your parents swoop in with their 2cents and intentions.

Start with your relationship. By setting clear boundaries that will help keep you feeling stable is important. It will only make you a better support to your bf. I think you should gently let him know how hard you have waited and worked to get your own place and how important it is to you to hang on to it. Maybe then suggest those activities and distractions that you feel are helpful to let him know your are there for him?

Right now, I am sure your place is a bit of a sanctuary for him, but you don't want to let it turn into a hideout from the responsibilities he has to himself, with work and his relationship with his family.

Later, practice setting boundaries with your parents. If they are rude to your bf then insist they schedule a planned visit, on a day he is not over. This way you are not putting yourself or him in a position. Your parents will eventually learn you have your own rules, in your own household.

Don't forget the self care in all this, you need time to rest/recuperate yourself, xoxo Sah

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going to say first things first i'm just so thrilled you have your own place! and a boyfriend too omg! so happy for you, well done emma,

it sounds to me with no motivation and wanting to hide that you might be heading into depression your self!, which is understandable if your doing a lot of things for your man, your right if he suffers from anxiety he needs to seek help because he is being avoidant right now which may get worse if it carries on, plus it will be effecting the relationship, you clearly love him emma,

boundaries its your flat set boundaries for your parents im sure they would not like it if you went round there house now and started routing around in there stuff! I know they just need to be helpful but make it clear to them come see me visit me because they are always welcome, but you have it all under control! you got this in the bag emma!

also you need to be firm with your man as well you don't want to lose your flat through breaking the rules...  he should respect this! what did he do before he knew you ? where did he hide then?

you need your own space you got it hun and yet again I am so happy for you hun be strong you have come so far ....x

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Thank you Sah and Jelly, that's really good advice, lots to think about.

and thank you Jelly, it's really lovely that you and everyone else who posted on this thread is happy for me.

I think I was supporting him in the wrong way. I'm helping him to hide. I need to help him face this. Sometimes you need to hide for a bit before you're ready to face something and having the break helps you get over the problem. But with this, having a break isn't enough, he needs to face it too and I'm going to help him.

Sah, what you said about one problem at a time, I think that might work with my boyfriend too. You mentioned all the responsibilities he's got, there's so many of them I think that's overwhelming him but if we start with one, that might make it easier? Not easy, we know it's never easy! But easier.

Jelly I think you're right, it does feel like I'm depressed today. I'll speak to him again about getting help with his anxiety. He is avoidant and I should have recognised that though I might not have said anything if I had.

I think this situation is new for him. He's always struggled socially at work and his anxiety can get pretty bad when he has to deal with workmates or clients and when that happened he just had a break for 5 mins to do his anxiety reducing exercises, then when he got home he shut himself up in his room and that was his sanctuary. But I think this is the first time something big has gone wrong because he's really good at his job. He always worries about things going wrong and tries to prepare for it and it just never happened but now it has happened, his preparations didn't help. So it's been a big shock for him. I think if he didn't live with workmates he would have stayed there but that makes it more complicated.

So I suppose I'll go and talk to him now and hope I don't make him cry too much :( He's going to feel awful when I remind him about the tenancy but I suppose he would feel much worse if I waited till I got a warning letter.

thank you xxx

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We talked. He cried a lot. We both did. We made a plan to read all his texts and emails today and he was going to talk to one of his flatmates today.

The day didn't go quite as planned because I feel really ill but it was nice having him here, he looks after me really well. He was calmer today so maybe me getting ill was the best thing for him, should have done it sooner. We did read the texts and emails though, most of them were worried and supportive, they admit he shouldn't have been asked to do something he wasn't trained for and it's mostly sorted now. Some weren't so nice and upset him. He's supposed to get a sick note from the doctor which he's stressing about in case he can't get it but I think he's glad we looked at all the messages. He says he'll call his flatmate later. He's making dinner now because he wants me to rest.

I feel bad for not helping him in the right way. I thought I was doing the right thing. Thank you for helping us. Tomorrow's plan is phoning his work. I think he's so brave.

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I don't know if anyone's still reading but I thought I'd update.

He's doing really well. He's still a bit tearful and he's still in my flat (he's staying till Sunday night) but he's done loads. He's signed off work till Monday but he's talked to his boss and a few other people and they say he'll be supported when he goes back, though he is getting a bit of time off work because he's got an appointment at the mental health place. He did go back to his flat for a bit and talked to his flatmates which he says was difficult because they never really discuss feelings but it was ok.

So it's all good and I'm very proud of him but I'm worried. A lot of workplaces promise support but there's often a big difference between what they're prepared to do and what's needed so either they don't do enough or they use the same support measures for everyone which aren't going to help with every problem. And there are some places that say support is there but it's not.

And it's bad but I'm kind of jealous because no one takes me that seriously. When I told my psychiatrist I wanted to kill myself, she laughed. I think she really thought I was joking because we do joke with each other but I didn't feel able to talk more about it after that. My social worker says "tell me when you're feeling bad" so I do and she has nothing to say. She just doesn't understand how my parents could treat me as a child when I'm an adult. It's just unthinkable in her world. My OT says I can talk to her too but I tried to explain the dynamics between me and my parents and she cut me off, saying "I don't understand. So what have you been reading lately?" so we talked about books instead. I feel like I only get taken seriously if I try to kill myself. I haven't even self harmed for 14 months and I want that to continue and I don't want to upset my boyfriend. But I want them to listen and if they don't understand that's okay but I want them to accept what I say. I don't like it when they laugh at me or change the subject.  

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hello Emma

 I'm glad that your boyfriend is doing better,

I'd say its not bad to want to be heard or taken seriously, please don't feel that you have to act out to be taken seriously, keep talking and sharing how you feel, and what's going on for you, don't let them change the subject tell them that you need them to understand if only in parts, ask them what don't they understand?

you can always talk here Emma...

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  • 2 weeks later...

My boyfriend is so brave! I'm really proud of him. He's back at work and back in his flat but it's still hard for him. He comes to my flat for dinner every night and he usually has a cry too. When he needs a time out at work he phones me and we talked. I went to his appointment with him, he found that difficult and emotional but he explained everything really well so I hope he can get more help. He's so sweet, as he's been eating my food for 2 weeks he showed up on thurs evening with lots of shopping and he wouldn't let me pay him back. He got me lots of things I like to cook and a couple of little surprise extras for me to try.

thank you Jelly. I just feel like it's my fault for not explaining properly. It's difficult to explain. All I can really say is I'm scared of her and that doesn't seem to be good enough. If the same problem happens again I will try asking what they don't understand.

thank you Sah but I only got the first 2 words of your post.

My parents annoyed me today. They said they'd come at 9pm so at 7pm me and my boyfriend sat down to have dinner and then my parents arrived 2 hours early. Luckily they saw the food and didn't stay long but I think if they are coming at a different time they should tell me. I think if someone has invited you over you shouldn't come 2 hours early. Do you think it's ok to tell them this? They shouldn't just assume I'll have finished my dinner just because they have.

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I am so proud of you for being able be a support to your boyfriend, well done. I like Jelly's advice about asking for clarification, that way you will have a better idea if the communication is breaking down because she is not capable of empathizing with you or if there might just be a different way of explaining your situation with your parents.

I do think it is a great idea to tell your parents that you and your boyfriend were having a dinner date to make it really clear their interruption was inappropriate. I am sure they are so use to intruding on you they think nothing of it, so yes let them know a call would really make a difference.  That way there is no blame?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you Sah. My boyfriend is still finding everything difficult but he's doing really well. His work isn't offering active support like reassurance but he's allowed to take extra breaks and he's going to be allowed 2 hours off a fortnight for therapy. I'm starting therapy the same week with the same therapist but she probably won't be our actual therapist, she's got lots of therapists working under her so after the first couple of sessions will be handed over to one of them. We think having the same therapist would be ok atm but we don't know what might happen in the future. Therapy will probably be 3-5 months and a lot could change. Also if I'm affected by something that's happened to him and I want to talk about it but he's not ready to talk, it would be really awkward having the same therapist. For the therapist as well as for us.

I'm glad I'm starting therapy. Living away from my mum has made me see things differently. Before everything that had happened to me was kind of overshadowed by living with my mum every day. Now I only see her a couple of times a week and not for very long it's easier. She still makes me feel really awful sometimes but twice a week is so much better than several times a day. Now I'm not so focused on getting through the present I can look at the past and the future. I think it's time to deal with some of the bad things that have happened to me. 

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Good luck with your T, I think your wise to have created a safe haven for yourself before tackling the past, it can be very emotional and it is very liberating to be able to know you have a sanctuary that you made to feel comforted on the rough days.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Therapy isn't what I expected but I've written a thread about it in Treatments so I won't go into it here. My boyfriend thinks it's going to help him so I'm happy about that. I found it upsetting. On the way I saw a dress in a charity shop window and I decided if therapy upset me, I would buy it or at least find out the price of it. When I went back it had been sold. My boyfriend is doing much better. I mostly feel okay but every time I remember therapy I cry. My boyfriend cuddles me. He's so sweet. He says I can phone him at work when I'm upset but I won't.

 

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  • 6 months later...

hey emma, you are doing good work to helping your friend, just keep doing that and don't leave him in that situation 

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