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lonelyheartemma

my new therapist

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lonelyheartemma

I have a new therapist. I like her as a person. I enjoy joking with her and discussing mental health, mental disability etc.

But some of the actual therapy worries me.

I told her I was raped when I was 15. She said "that's terrible you haven't had sex for 9 years". That kind of threw me a bit. Isn't the fact I was raped the terrible thing? And isn't not having sex my choice and my boyfriend's? He's asexual. If I start wanting sex, how can we have a relationship?

She seems to think she has more idea than me of what I can handle. She says I shouldn't be aiming to be a first-aider because that's impossible (even though I have one certificate already that says I'm a first aider). She says my aim shouldn't be about passing the course (waste of £120 then!) but having a social conversation with one person. Not only is that much more difficult than first aid (I can discuss patients, ask the correct questions and convey relevant information), it is not my aim! This course is something I take seriously and my aim is to learn and perfect a skill and be ready to use it is necessary. It isn't a way of making friends and if I start hoping and dreaming of making friends, I'm going to be devastated when it doesn't happen. I don't want to feel devastated about not making friends. I want to feel proud of my achievements.

Also, when I said I had trouble making friends she said "maybe you should try being nice to people, then maybe they'll be nice to you". That REALLY hurt.

She kept saying "but that happened in the past. The past doesn't matter". Maybe it shouldn't matter but isn't the point of therapy to try to stop it from mattering? Being told it doesn't matter doesn't stop it mattering. If that was enough I'd have got over it years ago. Yes it does matter. Yes the things that happened were terrible. Every time I tried to talk about the past, she was cutting me off, telling me it was the present and future that mattered. So that means I can't talk about it? To my therapist?

I think I might raise some of my concerns in my next session.   

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walker

hi emma xx

 

a therapist should not be telling you what to do - she sounds rather bossy - rather like your mother!!

is she a CBT therapist? - some of them are a bit like that about 'the past'

but since we are all products of our past - of course it is relevant

 

definitely raise your concerns with her if you can - write them down if you feel unable to say them

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lonelyheartemma

Hi Walker, it's so good to see you! :bigarmhug[1]:

Thank you for replying. Yes she is a CBT therapist. I don't really get any choice about the type of therapy I get - I just have to take what's available. Basically it's CBT, dramatherapy or art therapy.

She's not as bad as my mum but I get the impression she's more interested in making me normal than making me better. My mum spend 24 years trying to make me normal. I know this because she told me. It didn't work. 

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walker

dear emma

 

there is NOT SUCH THING AS NORMAL

and if there is - then your mum is NOT in that category!!

 

personally think art therapy is better, but that is just from personal experience

 

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lonelyheartemma

I'm sure art therapy is good but I have issues with art. I come from a brilliant artistic family. My grandmother was a professional artist. My sister had a piece exhibited in a London gallery. My mum's work is studied for GCSE. I'm below average. Even average isn't really good enough in my family. I did actually like drawing and felt the point was to have fun but I was never good enough.

I was always accused of not trying hard enough. I've had my pictures laughed at and sneered at. I've had them taken away from me and 'done properly' with the expectation that I would be grateful. I heard accusations of 'you don't like colouring in do you?' when I thought my attempt reasonable and had worked hard to keep between the lines. I was asked 'what's that?' in shocked disbelief that I could produce something so terrible.

Sometimes I went through stages of drawing secretly, hiding my pictures and not showing anyone. But then I would have work from other family members shoved in my face. Always the feeling that I was being careless and not trying hard enough.

So I don't think I could do art therapy. It would frighten me too much. The voices would start in my head. Her voice.

I actually feel kind of okay with it now. I can't be good at everything can I? And I don't have to be good at the same things as the rest of my family. I do make and decorate cakes and I suppose that's art. But I think art therapy would still be dangerous. The idea of doing art and then showing it to someone. 'Draw a picture for me'. I've heard that before.

I'm sure art therapy is great though. I just think my issues would get in the way of the positive effect. I'd need to do talking therapy first but that's going to be difficult if I can't talk about the past!

Thank you for bringing this up Walker. It was good to write about it.

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Saharah Blue

Like Walker, I have had good experiences with art therapy when I actually came to the part of trauma work words completely failed. I post a lot of images because words don't always work for me. However, I see your point (a whole other can of worms) So instead I will get to my point.

My most successful talk therapies have been when before we got started with a full on rambling with no point, I was able to talk about what my goal and my aim of therapy was, for instance once I went to therapy to get over a very damaging relationship that I couldn't let go of. So, we worked on that solely. When I was dx'd we started with working on the actual triggers that were provoking my harmful behaviors. Think about what you really want and need therapy to be, write about it and give or read it to your T. Then ask her if she feels she is able to help.

It is hard to have any idea how you interact in RL, but you seem to feel highly invalidated by women in the social work/counseling profession and it strikes me when Walker mentioned your mother, if it just feels provoking to you? I know there have been different times where I could not have a male T and times when I could not have a female T, just depending on the type of issues I was trying to work though. Don't be afraid to start slow with just one topic. Therapy for me is overwhelming when I have tried to solve too many problems at once.

I know how much your independence means to you and how hard you have had to fight and work to attain it, well done btw. For so many of us, asking for what we need and actually getting it has never been a part of how life is, then we meet new people start new interactions and bring that dynamic with us. It has taken my whole life to dare ask for what I need; I am surprised and so much happier at how many people will try if they can.

Let your T know that you need a lot of validation and reassurance that it is okay to be yourself. CTB is very geared around changing your perspective about tightly held thinking and behavior, so it may truly feel like your T is always challenging your feelings rather than your thinking patterns. Also, the information gathering part can feel crap, like everything in your life is been glossed over, I get frustrated with that part of T.

 

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Nixie

You know what Emma, I'd much rather see your art than anything done by your family.  Why?  Because you love it, you enjoy it, and it makes you happy.  I think you're probably a true outsider artist, and I would love to see your work!  My two favourite artists ever were outsider artists - Wassily Kandinsky and Franz Marc (actually most of the Blaue Riter clan when I think of it).

Art is about freedom and expressing yourself - not just about technical ability.  If you want perfection and exactness, we have cameras for that!

Seriously, I would love to see your work if you feel comfortable sharing it.  :)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outsider_art

 

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