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What do I say on Facebook? What if I need to talk?


Data

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I feel the need to vent and share my troubles with people.  Its one of my coping mechanisms.  I have other mechanisms, some healthy and some unhealthy. 

I often rant on Facebook.  I have to do a bit of self-censorship.  Nothing which could get me in trouble with my employer is posted about.  I try not to mention my issues with alcohol.  

I do talk about my job being stressful (with care), my depression, and my difficult relationship with my mother, wife and children.

But now I am worried that I say too much on there.

If I post here I sometimes get no responses and when I do I get the feeling that people don't know what to say to me.

I don't want to pay for a therapist.  I've had years of therapy and I think I've reached the limit of what it can achieve.

I don't want to write a blog that nobody reads.

Why do I feel guilty for talking to people?  Its really important to me that I am not seen as an emotional leech.  I message people on Facebook and often they don't respond.  I am worried that I am seen as a selfish person.

I get the impression society wants you to keep it all in.  They don't really want to know about your difficulties, it makes them feel awkward.  "How are you?" and "fine thanks" is the accepted answer.

 

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I hear what you are saying with the response thing on this site, sometimes if the topic feels really vulnerable in some way (usually the case) the greater the need to have a response. For me my blog helps me to validate my own feelings more that need feedback. But, when you post on the forum looking for help or answers it can feel like the wait is too long.

I am not on social media I find it all to be oversharing (for me personally) I am sure others would have better insight. I could be wrong but I am finding the older I get the more people in my own age group have gained the ability to not openly vent as frequently, unless in private. I think you may be right in feeling like people don't know what to say. One thing I am learning about socializing is that I need to sincerely ask how others are and be willing to listen encouraging a rapport.

I also agree that therapy is not a good place to vent because then it really does feel like holding it all in. My last T was like that, I found myself just using therapy as a venting room, rather than a sounding board and I would leave feeling crap and worked up. I didn't think it was worth doing therapy for just that.

Maybe the answer is not so much about having one single place but having multiple ways to get your feelings out, sometime I just need to call my mom or a friend, or post in venting here, etc... The same is true of exercise with me, by have multiple options, I am more likely to exercise.

Just throwing ideas out there.

 

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Hi Data,

A few times over the years I sent you a friendly PM in regards to something interesting you mentioned in regards to your hobbies.  If I recall, you simply "blew off" the message and did not respond.  I don't know if you do that with others, but you will have trouble making friends if you do.  Yes, we all need to vent at times but when someone just vents and vents and no change comes as result, it gets tiring.  I truly believe that you are often suffering in your predicament and my heart goes out to you in that regard.  I follow ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) as do several others on the forum.  In ACT ultimately finding your values and then using committed action to move towards them is the ultimate goal. You have said that you have had a lot of therapy already but I still see in you someone who has not found much acceptance with their current situation.  Data, I hope you are able to keep moving in a positive direction and can find a bit more happiness in your life - Detroitguy

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On 21/03/2016 at 2:23 AM, Saharah Blue said:

I hear what you are saying with the response thing on this site, sometimes if the topic feels really vulnerable in some way (usually the case) the greater the need to have a response. For me my blog helps me to validate my own feelings more that need feedback. But, when you post on the forum looking for help or answers it can feel like the wait is too long.

I am not on social media I find it all to be oversharing (for me personally) I am sure others would have better insight. I could be wrong but I am finding the older I get the more people in my own age group have gained the ability to not openly vent as frequently, unless in private. I think you may be right in feeling like people don't know what to say. One thing I am learning about socializing is that I need to sincerely ask how others are and be willing to listen encouraging a rapport.

I also agree that therapy is not a good place to vent because then it really does feel like holding it all in. My last T was like that, I found myself just using therapy as a venting room, rather than a sounding board and I would leave feeling crap and worked up. I didn't think it was worth doing therapy for just that.

Maybe the answer is not so much about having one single place but having multiple ways to get your feelings out, sometime I just need to call my mom or a friend, or post in venting here, etc... The same is true of exercise with me, by have multiple options, I am more likely to exercise.

Just throwing ideas out there.

 

I wish had the ability to not openly vent.  I am not good at keeping it all in!  I do make a point of asking how others are, both in face-to-face and online socialising.  I try and listen to others and take a genuine interest in them, which I think is quite difficult as I am naturally a selfish person.

I think the multiple ways thing makes sense.  Its about understanding the appropriateness and the advantages/disadvantages of each of the ways.

Thanks for your reply.

 

12 hours ago, detroitguy said:

Hi Data,

A few times over the years I sent you a friendly PM in regards to something interesting you mentioned in regards to your hobbies.  If I recall, you simply "blew off" the message and did not respond.  I don't know if you do that with others, but you will have trouble making friends if you do.  Yes, we all need to vent at times but when someone just vents and vents and no change comes as result, it gets tiring.  I truly believe that you are often suffering in your predicament and my heart goes out to you in that regard.  I follow ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) as do several others on the forum.  In ACT ultimately finding your values and then using committed action to move towards them is the ultimate goal. You have said that you have had a lot of therapy already but I still see in you someone who has not found much acceptance with their current situation.  Data, I hope you are able to keep moving in a positive direction and can find a bit more happiness in your life - Detroitguy

I apologise since I believe you should respond to any non-malicious message.  Perhaps I read it and forgot.  I know that is not much of an excuse though.

I agree it is tiring - if I could change these things I would.  I'd like my kids behaviour to improve, my wife to be more stable, me to be respected and stable in a job, and to be able to cope with stress without overeating or alcohol.  However I have found all of these things very difficult or impossible to change. 

Its unrealistic to just expect me to suddenly shrug off everything that happens, e.g. when my son threatened my daughter with a knife recently, and just accept it.  That just isn't me.  I have accepted that there are no easy answers.  But these events will trigger off difficult emotions within me, and make me feel isolated, and that people do not understand.  I simply am not the sort of person who can let all that wash over me and just get on with life.  I don't think I ever will be.

 

6 hours ago, mamalou said:

Oo

What is that supposed to mean?

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You are right Data - the problems you are facing are certainly more stressful than the average person has to deal with.  I honestly do not know how I could deal with what you are going through.  My wife and I have a happy and loving relationship and also do not have any children, so I really do not have the authority to dictate how you should run your life since our situations are so different.  Honestly, I do not think I could handle the problems you are dealing with.  I just hope that you can somehow lower the stress level to some degree.  Detroitguy

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Sorry. I didn't mean to post that. I've never posted before. I typed something then chickened out but I couldn't work out what to do to edit it. Sorry again. I won't bother you again. 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 22/03/2016 at 11:15 PM, detroitguy said:

You are right Data - the problems you are facing are certainly more stressful than the average person has to deal with.  I honestly do not know how I could deal with what you are going through.  My wife and I have a happy and loving relationship and also do not have any children, so I really do not have the authority to dictate how you should run your life since our situations are so different.  Honestly, I do not think I could handle the problems you are dealing with.  I just hope that you can somehow lower the stress level to some degree.  Detroitguy

Thanks for your empathy.  However, I don't want this to be a competition into who has the worst life.  

 

On 24/03/2016 at 11:36 PM, mamalou said:

Sorry. I didn't mean to post that. I've never posted before. I typed something then chickened out but I couldn't work out what to do to edit it. Sorry again. I won't bother you again. 

 

Its ok anyone can make a mistake

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