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confidentiality


lonelyheartemma

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When my psychologist told me everything I told her would be confidential, I accepted that everyone at the centre would have access to this information but I did not think it would go any further than that.

Today I received copy of a letter from my psychologist to my GP and in it she tells my GP about everything we discussed, including about being raped.

Is this okay? I feel very uncomfortable with it. Obviously, the doctor is another professional who respects confidentiality but I'm going to walk into my next appointment thinking this woman knows I was raped.

And where will this end? The doctor will put this letter on my medical records and who will have access to that? Will my cardiologist, my haematologist etc all know this very private information about me too?

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I thought that everything you told a therapist of any sort was confidential completely unless they thought you were deemed to be a threat to yourself or others.  Well, that's my understanding from when it was explained to me.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you Emma, the only thing I can suggest is talking her as calmly as you can manage. I know I'd feel betrayed and maybe hurt.

Good luck and sorry I can't offer any more concrete help than that.

Kim

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Thank you for your reply Kim, it was really helpful to read your understanding of confidentiality. That's how I understood it too. It's very reassuring to know I'm not the only person who thought this. Even if my interpretation was wrong I feel it was reasonable.

I won't be seeing her again as she's discharged me but I will be writing to my psychiatrist soon and I am so going to mention this!

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sure the therapist should of told you that they may need to share the session information with other medical profesionals and should of gained your verbal consent at least though written is always better.

I'm often having letters posted through my door with my GP cc in them so at least I know about the copy that has gone to them. she still should of informed you though.

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thank you for your reply zenry

I get copies of the letters too but there's never been anything as personal as this. It feels really horrible. I don't see why the GP needs to know the details anyway- why not just that we worked on my personal goals? The letter is full of inaccuracies too, not really lies but misleading statements. Like "I wrote to her to urge her to reconsider her decision to be discharged" but all I got was a standard letter from her secretary saying that if I didn't contact them within 2 weeks I'd be discharged. Nothing wrong with that, the letter was fine but the psychologist didn't write to me, there was no urging and actually no mention of the fact I'd asked to be discharged. Small things but still misleading.

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I have no clue what is written about me. My psychiatrist never cc me in any letters. Apparently, I am aware of my diagnoses but I'm actually not. Don't really have the energy to care but it always worries me as I don't know who knows what about me !

My psychotherapist and care coordinator are more respectful. 

I always worry they think I'm a fraud. I'm very insecure in all this. 

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You are RIGHT, this is not acceptable. It seems to me a case of "Oh yes,I better give GP details

about this woman", with not the tiniest thought about your confidentiality. Hey, its just us

professionals communicating y'know! And YOU,are just a name to put through files.

Stick up for your RIGHTS,this is not a favour you are asking,your rights are being violated

and ignored. Whatever the outcome,this is only temporary,and it can be handled calmly.

                                                                                                                Courage,

                                                                                                             jimindigo

                                                                                                            

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successful_workthru
On 23/06/2016 at 6:05 PM, lonelyheartemma said:

When my psychologist told me everything I told her would be confidential, I accepted that everyone at the centre would have access to this information but I did not think it would go any further than that.

Today I received copy of a letter from my psychologist to my GP and in it she tells my GP about everything we discussed, including about being raped.

Is this okay? I feel very uncomfortable with it. Obviously, the doctor is another professional who respects confidentiality but I'm going to walk into my next appointment thinking this woman knows I was raped.

And where will this end? The doctor will put this letter on my medical records and who will have access to that? Will my cardiologist, my haematologist etc all know this very private information about me too?

Hugs to you, that must have been a terrible shock.

Obvoiusly if you did not want your GP to know you were raped, its gonna hurt, but, maybe now they do know, they can direct help and treatment towards you better.

Dunno if you have a dx, but they may be able to put you onto some organisations or charities that can help rape survivors.

I would suggest you write down your feelings about your GP knowing you were raped, but no angry words, even thogh you may feel them, which would be pretty normal to. Acnowledge these to yourself but tell her your real feelings, sadness, shock, dismay or whatever feelings come up for you. She will understand. GP's see allsorts, nothing shocks them.

You could ask your GP about all other health professionals knowing or not knowing about the incident and how you would feel. Maybe book a double appointment. In the meantime, if you want to get clear in your own head about how you feel, ring samaritans, thier listening ear is great for sorting out our own feelings.

Dunno if you're BPD like me, but I have troubles identifying feelings.

Like Zenry, my GP's are cc'd into my letters from psych staff.

@mamalou I worry they think I am a fraud.

Overall @lonelyheartemma I wish the best for you, and keep us posted.

 

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you SW.

I don't know. I can't think. I'm supposed to get a blood test done, I need to speak to her because she's not giving me enough painkillers (fair enough if she wants to cut them down, I did get more than I needed but cutting down by half without telling me, not good) but I can't. I can't go and see her. Now I know why all my other GPs thought I was crazy and talked to my mum instead of me, because they got letters like that too saying I'm crazy.

Apparently I am not BPD because "people with BPD only care about themselves" have you ever heard such b*******? She seriously needs to come on this site and see how amazing you all are (but there's no way I'd tell her about this site), the most caring people I've ever known come here or used to. The only diagnosis I could get was APD.

I don't know if I have trouble identifying feelings or not. I think my feeling now is suicidal. Something else for me to ignore.

I don't get on with the Samaritans, every time I talk to them I feel like a stupid fake who's wasted their time. Then I self harm. It's much better if I stay away from them. They have done nothing wrong but the way they are trained to speak to people happens to make me feel worse. We all have different triggers.

Thank you Mamalou. I have known professionals who insist I know things and have been told things when actually it's the first I've heard of it. They get away with it too. They insist I forgot and everyone believes them. It's easier for them to believe I'm the one making the mistake. It's also much simpler for them. If the professional is at fault for not giving a patient key information, that could cause all sorts of trouble, there might have to be an investigation... such a lot of trouble. If it's put down as the patient's forgetfulness there's no need for them to do anything at all.

Thank you Jimindigo. It is good to know you see it as unacceptable too. I imagine they are doing the same for everyone. Some people might never realise or they might think they deserve it but I don't think it's right to divulge anything without permission. I think letters like these are the reason why GPs are so reluctant to believe me when I say there's something wrong - then I'm proved right when it gets bad enough to need a trip to hospital. For several years I didn't get copies of these letters because my mum always insisted on reading them and I got one that mentioned her so I had to hide it and pretend it was something else. So I said don't send any more letters, it's too dangerous. But now I've got my own place I'm getting copies.

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successful_workthru
2 hours ago, lonelyheartemma said:

Thank you SW.

I don't know. I can't think. I'm supposed to get a blood test done, I need to speak to her because she's not giving me enough painkillers (fair enough if she wants to cut them down, I did get more than I needed but cutting down by half without telling me, not good) but I can't. I can't go and see her. Now I know why all my other GPs thought I was crazy and talked to my mum instead of me, because they got letters like that too saying I'm crazy.

Apparently I am not BPD because "people with BPD only care about themselves" have you ever heard such b*******? She seriously needs to come on this site and see how amazing you all are (but there's no way I'd tell her about this site), the most caring people I've ever known come here or used to. The only diagnosis I could get was APD.

I don't know if I have trouble identifying feelings or not. I think my feeling now is suicidal. Something else for me to ignore.

I don't get on with the Samaritans, every time I talk to them I feel like a stupid fake who's wasted their time. Then I self harm. It's much better if I stay away from them. They have done nothing wrong but the way they are trained to speak to people happens to make me feel worse. We all have different triggers.

Thank you Mamalou. I have known professionals who insist I know things and have been told things when actually it's the first I've heard of it. They get away with it too. They insist I forgot and everyone believes them. It's easier for them to believe I'm the one making the mistake. It's also much simpler for them. If the professional is at fault for not giving a patient key information, that could cause all sorts of trouble, there might have to be an investigation... such a lot of trouble. If it's put down as the patient's forgetfulness there's no need for them to do anything at all.

Thank you Jimindigo. It is good to know you see it as unacceptable too. I imagine they are doing the same for everyone. Some people might never realise or they might think they deserve it but I don't think it's right to divulge anything without permission. I think letters like these are the reason why GPs are so reluctant to believe me when I say there's something wrong - then I'm proved right when it gets bad enough to need a trip to hospital. For several years I didn't get copies of these letters because my mum always insisted on reading them and I got one that mentioned her so I had to hide it and pretend it was something else. So I said don't send any more letters, it's too dangerous. But now I've got my own place I'm getting copies.

Hi Emma, what is APD?

You seem really nice.

I know what you mean about the way the samaritans are trained putting you off.

I find them useful when I need a human ear to hear what I have to say, just to get it out of my head and help clarify my thoughts and realise catastrophic thinking etc

I do get disheartened when there is ultimately nothing they can do, they are like the people at the edge of the River Styx.

It's good you've got your own place. I stayed at home till age 25, I was kept in the child state by my parents, and it did enormous damage, which I am still repairing. I ffeel like a child in an adults body, like a little 6yr old girl, expected to wear adult clothes and shoes and behave like an adult and I am struggling. I self harm and self meidicate to get through life.

 

2 minutes ago, successful_workthru said:

Hi Emma, what is APD?

You seem really nice.

I know what you mean about the way the samaritans are trained putting you off.

I find them useful when I need a human ear to hear what I have to say, just to get it out of my head and help clarify my thoughts and realise catastrophic thinking etc

I do get disheartened when there is ultimately nothing they can do, they are like the people at the edge of the River Styx.

I guess I am yet to experience the prejudice borderliners experience, as I am only newly diagnosed, even though myself and two others have known for longer.

 

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Thank you SW. You seem really nice too. We've talked before and I think we got on okay but it was probably a couple of years ago.

APD is avoidant personality disorder. My psychiatrist thinks I also have traits of BPD (though not enough) and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

I can imagine when you need a listening ear, there are many much worse people than the Samaritans. At least they don't say "oh that's nothing!" or "we all have days like that!" or "oh stop moaning will you!" Though I always feel like they're thinking that.

I moved out when I was 24, I'm still 24 now and I've been here for about 8 months. I was kept in the child state too. I had no privacy- my parents never knocked before entering my room and they demanded to know the contents of my letters. My mum also insisted on going to my appointments and she always put on an act of being really super-nice and caring which made the professionals love her and tell her everything she wanted to know. I couldn't do much in those appointments because I was too scared of saying the wrong thing and being told off later. But I go to appointments on my own now. My mum was furious that I wouldn't tell her my bank and email passwords. Even when I moved to the flat my parents were poking their noses into my cupboards and rooms and asking to see my bank statements. They've stopped doing that which is just as well considering my last bank statement! I usually underspend by about £150 a month but I overspent by £30 last time so I'll need to watch that! Luckily I have discovered kindle so I am spending less money on books.

I feel more grown-up than I did but I often find myself in adult situations and don't know what to do or say. I just have no idea, I'm calm but blank. I used to self-harm but I haven't for about 18 months. I have painkillers for fibromyalgia and I'm trying to use them only for pain and not to lift my mood which is actually easier now my doctor has cut my painkillers but she's only given me enough for 2 a day and that's what I take on a good day. Except now I'm often taking one a day and trying to tolerate the pain because I'm so scared of being without painkillers on a bad day.

So far I have only experienced borderline prejudice from my psychiatrist but I have experienced the prejudice against people who don't have jobs, people with mental health problems, people with physical health problems and also people with autism as my mum got it into her head that I had it and went round telling everyone I did including the doctors. "Emma has autism so I'm going to talk for her". My psychiatrist had to write to my doctor to say she'd assessed me and I don't have autism. Prejudice really isn't nice. Some of the autism attention I got was positive like they expected me to be a computer genius and be able to do crazy maths in my head but I know nothing about computers and I can barely do simple maths on paper. I've redone my GCSE now but if I get as much as a C I will be very surprised, hardly genius material! 

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successful_workthru
On 07/07/2016 at 0:02 AM, lonelyheartemma said:

Thank you SW. You seem really nice too. We've talked before and I think we got on okay but it was probably a couple of years ago.

APD is avoidant personality disorder. My psychiatrist thinks I also have traits of BPD (though not enough) and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

I can imagine when you need a listening ear, there are many much worse people than the Samaritans. At least they don't say "oh that's nothing!" or "we all have days like that!" or "oh stop moaning will you!" Though I always feel like they're thinking that.

I moved out when I was 24, I'm still 24 now and I've been here for about 8 months. I was kept in the child state too. I had no privacy- my parents never knocked before entering my room and they demanded to know the contents of my letters. My mum also insisted on going to my appointments and she always put on an act of being really super-nice and caring which made the professionals love her and tell her everything she wanted to know. I couldn't do much in those appointments because I was too scared of saying the wrong thing and being told off later. But I go to appointments on my own now. My mum was furious that I wouldn't tell her my bank and email passwords. Even when I moved to the flat my parents were poking their noses into my cupboards and rooms and asking to see my bank statements. They've stopped doing that which is just as well considering my last bank statement! I usually underspend by about £150 a month but I overspent by £30 last time so I'll need to watch that! Luckily I have discovered kindle so I am spending less money on books.

I feel more grown-up than I did but I often find myself in adult situations and don't know what to do or say. I just have no idea, I'm calm but blank. I used to self-harm but I haven't for about 18 months. I have painkillers for fibromyalgia and I'm trying to use them only for pain and not to lift my mood which is actually easier now my doctor has cut my painkillers but she's only given me enough for 2 a day and that's what I take on a good day. Except now I'm often taking one a day and trying to tolerate the pain because I'm so scared of being without painkillers on a bad day.

So far I have only experienced borderline prejudice from my psychiatrist but I have experienced the prejudice against people who don't have jobs, people with mental health problems, people with physical health problems and also people with autism as my mum got it into her head that I had it and went round telling everyone I did including the doctors. "Emma has autism so I'm going to talk for her". My psychiatrist had to write to my doctor to say she'd assessed me and I don't have autism. Prejudice really isn't nice. Some of the autism attention I got was positive like they expected me to be a computer genius and be able to do crazy maths in my head but I know nothing about computers and I can barely do simple maths on paper. I've redone my GCSE now but if I get as much as a C I will be very surprised, hardly genius material! 

I know what you mean, re, samaritans, I think they are useful for releasing energy by having a good cry, merely as you are sharing a previously unshared problem with someone else, and while a listening ear is invauable at times, I get frustrated that they cannot offer advice. I think they used to be a lot better years ago, you could stay on the phone as long as you needed, now you are encouraged to end the call quicker.

I think I'm a bit avoidant. I self isolate because i know my relationships would be largely abusive or energy draining.

I'm not being funny, but it sounds like your prents were more ill than you, same with mine. I bet they never sought help though. Mine never.

That's where I fall down, I always am hooked on some drug or other to lift my mood, or calm me down, because my mood is always too low, and I am never calm enough. I feel like I am walking around in clothes that are too large, and size 12 shoes,  figuratively speaking, child in an adult's world.

I'm sorry to hear you have pain. My friend has a crumbling spine and much pain, and I gave him a herbal ashwagandha capsule and he said it helped him have a good nights sleep.You can get themm at amazon.

Good luck with your GCSE maths.

I bet you are much more happy in your own place then with your parents. How did you manage to escape?

 

 

On 07/07/2016 at 0:02 AM, lonelyheartemma said:

Thank you SW. You seem really nice too. We've talked before and I think we got on okay but it was probably a couple of years ago.

APD is avoidant personality disorder. My psychiatrist thinks I also have traits of BPD (though not enough) and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

I can imagine when you need a listening ear, there are many much worse people than the Samaritans. At least they don't say "oh that's nothing!" or "we all have days like that!" or "oh stop moaning will you!" Though I always feel like they're thinking that.

I moved out when I was 24, I'm still 24 now and I've been here for about 8 months. I was kept in the child state too. I had no privacy- my parents never knocked before entering my room and they demanded to know the contents of my letters. My mum also insisted on going to my appointments and she always put on an act of being really super-nice and caring which made the professionals love her and tell her everything she wanted to know. I couldn't do much in those appointments because I was too scared of saying the wrong thing and being told off later. But I go to appointments on my own now. My mum was furious that I wouldn't tell her my bank and email passwords. Even when I moved to the flat my parents were poking their noses into my cupboards and rooms and asking to see my bank statements. They've stopped doing that which is just as well considering my last bank statement! I usually underspend by about £150 a month but I overspent by £30 last time so I'll need to watch that! Luckily I have discovered kindle so I am spending less money on books.

I feel more grown-up than I did but I often find myself in adult situations and don't know what to do or say. I just have no idea, I'm calm but blank. I used to self-harm but I haven't for about 18 months. I have painkillers for fibromyalgia and I'm trying to use them only for pain and not to lift my mood which is actually easier now my doctor has cut my painkillers but she's only given me enough for 2 a day and that's what I take on a good day. Except now I'm often taking one a day and trying to tolerate the pain because I'm so scared of being without painkillers on a bad day.

So far I have only experienced borderline prejudice from my psychiatrist but I have experienced the prejudice against people who don't have jobs, people with mental health problems, people with physical health problems and also people with autism as my mum got it into her head that I had it and went round telling everyone I did including the doctors. "Emma has autism so I'm going to talk for her". My psychiatrist had to write to my doctor to say she'd assessed me and I don't have autism. Prejudice really isn't nice. Some of the autism attention I got was positive like they expected me to be a computer genius and be able to do crazy maths in my head but I know nothing about computers and I can barely do simple maths on paper. I've redone my GCSE now but if I get as much as a C I will be very surprised, hardly genius material! 

I know what you mean, re, samaritans, I think they are useful for releasing energy by having a good cry, merely as you are sharing a previously unshared problem with someone else, and while a listening ear is invauable at times, I get frustrated that they cannot offer advice. I think they used to be a lot better years ago, you could stay on the phone as

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That's the impression I get, that the Samaritans are rushing to get me off the phone. It makes me feel like I'm wasting their time and that I'm not worthy of being helped unless I'm literally about to kill myself. Though to be honest the CMHT in general lose interest once I stop wanting to kill myself. So I'll be alone till my next attempt.

I find being with people is energy-draining. I'd love to have friends but on the rare occasions when I make them, they do me more harm than good. I usually only make friends with people with mh problems, partly because they are the only people I tend to meet, partly because people without mh problems don't like me. I had one friend/boyfriend who used to arrive at my house at 9am and got offended when I asked him to leave 14 hours later so I could go to bed. He just showed up and expected my parents to feed him, he presumably expected a bed for the night too! He'd do this for several days in a row and wouldn't take hints but finally I offended him enough to make him stop.

My dad was depressed for a while but he was fine after one session with a counsellor. My mum says she was once 'properly depressed' unlike me. I'm not depressed because I can talk, read and write. Real depressed people can't do that, according my mum. She had a chat with her psychologist who told her parents to let her leave school and she's been fine ever since. She is successful professionally and most people love her 

I escaped probably by accident. I was on the council house waiting list but  didn't have nearly enough points as I somehow didn't qualify on medical grounds and the problems I was having with my parents were ignored. The housing officer who presented my case somehow ended up with the idea that I was very seriously mentally disabled with a mental age of 9. I told the housing officer the information she had was false. She didn't believe me but my psychiatrist told her I actually had above average intelligence and she wrote a letter to say the housing officer had got it all wrong and had caused me a lot of distress. Suddenly I acquired 50 more points which I would imagine came partly from guilt- if there was that much concern about my welfare, I doubt they would have allowed someone with the mental age of nine to live with my parents. I got my flat a month or so later.

Thank you- I'm also doing A Level English Language and Literature and GCSE biology, I got A*s for the AS exams so I'm really hoping for at least an A for the A Levels. Which sounds so weird. I taught myself and did my exams in a little room at a school. I wasn't allowed near the students but that suited me very well.

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successful_workthru
8 hours ago, lonelyheartemma said:

That's the impression I get, that the Samaritans are rushing to get me off the phone. It makes me feel like I'm wasting their time and that I'm not worthy of being helped unless I'm literally about to kill myself. Though to be honest the CMHT in general lose interest once I stop wanting to kill myself. So I'll be alone till my next attempt.

I find being with people is energy-draining. I'd love to have friends but on the rare occasions when I make them, they do me more harm than good. I usually only make friends with people with mh problems, partly because they are the only people I tend to meet, partly because people without mh problems don't like me. I had one friend/boyfriend who used to arrive at my house at 9am and got offended when I asked him to leave 14 hours later so I could go to bed. He just showed up and expected my parents to feed him, he presumably expected a bed for the night too! He'd do this for several days in a row and wouldn't take hints but finally I offended him enough to make him stop.

My dad was depressed for a while but he was fine after one session with a counsellor. My mum says she was once 'properly depressed' unlike me. I'm not depressed because I can talk, read and write. Real depressed people can't do that, according my mum. She had a chat with her psychologist who told her parents to let her leave school and she's been fine ever since. She is successful professionally and most people love her 

I escaped probably by accident. I was on the council house waiting list but  didn't have nearly enough points as I somehow didn't qualify on medical grounds and the problems I was having with my parents were ignored. The housing officer who presented my case somehow ended up with the idea that I was very seriously mentally disabled with a mental age of 9. I told the housing officer the information she had was false. She didn't believe me but my psychiatrist told her I actually had above average intelligence and she wrote a letter to say the housing officer had got it all wrong and had caused me a lot of distress. Suddenly I acquired 50 more points which I would imagine came partly from guilt- if there was that much concern about my welfare, I doubt they would have allowed someone with the mental age of nine to live with my parents. I got my flat a month or so later.

Thank you- I'm also doing A Level English Language and Literature and GCSE biology, I got A*s for the AS exams so I'm really hoping for at least an A for the A Levels. Which sounds so weird. I taught myself and did my exams in a little room at a school. I wasn't allowed near the students but that suited me very well.

This worries me So I'll be alone till my next attempt.

I coloured all I relate to in red.
You'd be suprised at just how mentally ill people who dont seem it actually are, they just hide behind professional or respectable office or bank type jobs, mr and mrs normal.
Some so called friends do me more harm than good. These are not your friends.
The boyfriend sounded like a parasite.

Most pepole love my mum, but again, its all dysfunctoinal people who hide their emotoins and real feelings for the sake of appearances. Appearances mean more to them than actually being a family.

I'm glad you got out of the toxic environment in your parents house, I wish to god I had done so earlier when I could have got the help. Even though  Iwas being abused and manhandled and thretened, I did not know I was 'at risk'

Good luck w/ A Level English Language and Literature and GCSE biology, Congrats on  A*s for the AS exams good lyuck for an A for the A Levels. Why weren't you allowed near the other students?

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  • 1 month later...

The parasite boyfriend keeps hanging round near my flat, pretending to be homeless. I believed him the first time because he did look like a wreck but he looks too clean now. I hope he won't find out where I live.

I was exaggerating a bit about not being allowed near the other students but I haven't had a CRB check because it's so much trouble for them to arrange it so there is a bit of a concern with a 24 year old with a PD in a school with children. I think the children are much more likely to upset me than I am to upset them but I'm not going to argue about arrangements that suit me even if they are a bit insulting.There's a time to protest and try to educate people and a time to focus on me. I focused on me. And now they've been through the experience without trying to kill them maybe I have educated them a little bit.

I just wish I had something professional and respectable to hide behind! Maybe some of the unprofessional people who make me want to kill myself are mentally ill too. Maybe the scary woman in Superdrug can't help snapping or isn't aware she's doing it. Maybe she's scared of me because I'm a person and she wants to keep control of the situation and show authority so no-one can take advantage of her.

Appearances mean a lot to my mum too. She used to drag me to family events just so we could be a complete family. She didn't care that I spent the whole time wanting to kill myself. I only got out of them when I started struggling to control my emotions and she decided my non-appearance gave a better impression than me having a meltdown. She tells everyone about my physical problems (which I really don't like, I don't want the whole street to know about my bowel movements) but she says the alternative is saying I'm mentally ill and that's too embarrassing though she did invent a mental disability for me that got her a lot of sympathy (to be fair I do think she genuinely believes in it). I've told her to forget the digestive issues and focus on the other physical stuff (there's more than enough of it) but I doubt she's listened.

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successful_workthru
18 hours ago, lonelyheartemma said:

The parasite boyfriend keeps hanging round near my flat, pretending to be homeless. I believed him the first time because he did look like a wreck but he looks too clean now. I hope he won't find out where I live.

I was exaggerating a bit about not being allowed near the other students but I haven't had a CRB check because it's so much trouble for them to arrange it so there is a bit of a concern with a 24 year old with a PD in a school with children. I think the children are much more likely to upset me than I am to upset them but I'm not going to argue about arrangements that suit me even if they are a bit insulting.There's a time to protest and try to educate people and a time to focus on me. I focused on me. And now they've been through the experience without trying to kill them maybe I have educated them a little bit.

I just wish I had something professional and respectable to hide behind! Maybe some of the unprofessional people who make me want to kill myself are mentally ill too. Maybe the scary woman in Superdrug can't help snapping or isn't aware she's doing it. Maybe she's scared of me because I'm a person and she wants to keep control of the situation and show authority so no-one can take advantage of her.

Appearances mean a lot to my mum too. She used to drag me to family events just so we could be a complete family. She didn't care that I spent the whole time wanting to kill myself. I only got out of them when I started struggling to control my emotions and she decided my non-appearance gave a better impression than me having a meltdown. She tells everyone about my physical problems (which I really don't like, I don't want the whole street to know about my bowel movements) but she says the alternative is saying I'm mentally ill and that's too embarrassing though she did invent a mental disability for me that got her a lot of sympathy (to be fair I do think she genuinely believes in it). I've told her to forget the digestive issues and focus on the other physical stuff (there's more than enough of it) but I doubt she's listened.

Eeeww that must be really horrible for you Emma

Sorry to hear about the hassle with the children in schohol. You probably have educated them a bit.

I am saddened to hear that people make you want to kill yourself, why? do they bully you?

When I worked, wherever it was, I was prone to bullying, I seemed to attract them to me. I never knew how to respond in the moment in a way I could respect myself for, so later on, I would take it out on my self by losing my temper and hitting myself. I remember one workmate I used to socialise with, before I realised how manipulative he was, he used to make me cry, and manipulate me, and so i hit myself in front of him and made my nose bleed, and threatened to hit him, he was driving at the time as well, its scary how anger can get you if channelled wrongly. I should have just said, "I feel manipulated and you can argue all you like with me and tell me my argument is contradictory, I dont care", I did lose my temper with him a few times though.

The scary woman in superdrug could have her own troubles and express them by being scary. I used to work with a snappy woman and found out that she had an abusive husband who hit her, so she took it out on work colleagues. Many work colleagues take out their problems on others and I hate it, as I felt vulnerable to that sort of thing, to the point of mental and emotional distress.

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Appearances mean a lot to my mum too. She used to drag me to family events just so we could be a complete family. She didn't care that I spent the whole time wanting to kill myself. I only got out of them when I started struggling to control my emotions and she decided my non-appearance gave a better impression than me having a meltdown.

My mum used to give me meltdowns but she would be the one yelling and ranting, and I would be the one snivvelling and crying in my bed after the 'argument'. My Dad used to be horrible to her so she took out her anger on me. She still won't say sorry, I would love for her to write me a long letter telling me she is sorry for all the horrible things she has said and done, but it will never happen.

Oddly, she told me she loved me more than my sibings at Xmas, when I was coming down from drugs and on an angry one, and sending her angry facebook messages. I told her she killed my confidence. I told her I collected a cocktail of pills to kill myself, but the doctor said they wouldnt kill me, so, here I still am, cos I am too scared to try suicide, in case, what we are programmed to believe about death is all wrong, and we are not just our bodies, and if we kill ourselves, our souls, the biggest part of us, is left in some permenent distressing horriffic limbo, or we have to pay some karmic debt. I was raised Catholic, but am not religious in that I don't follow organised religion, but I am spiritual. I have had some spiritual experiences that just cannot be explained by the limited amount of information, the mainstream calls 'education'

For thousands of years, people have known about spirituality (christianity not included) but it has been supressed because the global elite have had an agenda for thousands of years to keep us dumbed down, to block us from knowing our true nature,and the true meaning of life, anyway, what I am trying to say is that if you get a book called Angel Tech by Antero Ali, it says that suicide is suicidal, in other words,  it doesn't change a thing, it does not give us the escape we bid for in our suicide attempt, which is the only reason I am still here. I feel trapped, cos I want to die also. I've had enough. I'm mired in drug addiction and on benefits, because I cant work, as the bullies home in on me and make me tooo distressed to do my job. I am too nice. Not all borderliners are aggressive, etc, some, like me, take out their aggression on themselves, the latest being a bite mark I am sporting on my right wrist. I sometimes bite till I draw blood. I would cut, but when I am angry, it's too much hassle to rummage around in the drawers for a blade, my anger wants to come out now, not in the 30 seconds it would take me to get my blades. I did cut myself when I was drunk, should have had stitches, but what borderlilne person goes and gets stitches after a cut anyway? they want to hurt, they don't feel they deserve nursing care from the surgery sisters.

I know a man with cuts half an inch thick, lacerations, scars, I should say. He said he used to rub surgical spirit into them, cos that hurt the most. He grew up with violence and is quite a hard man, and he admits to having hurt people badly who tried to hurt him, but after he has hurt someone else, he goes home and hurts himself. He only got diagnosed borderline at age 50

To finish, I hope not to insult you, but your mum sounds the mental one, not you, she sounds like she needs to grow up as she seems to act like an immature bitch who needs to work through her own problems. It is my guess that she has suffered abuse, even if she has never told you or admitted it, and that she has never got over this abuse. Abuse is so damaging, think of all the bitches you know, they've all been abused, that's why they behave like bitches, their spirits need mending.

Sorry I'm not always here, I am often mentally unwell these days and strugling with coming off drugs. I feel trapped in this world and fear that I am too soft to live in it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 minutes ago, successful_workthru said:

Sorry I'm not always here, I am often mentally unwell these days and strugling with coming off drugs. I feel trapped in this world and fear that I am too soft to live in it.

 

 

 

 

Sw, i can totally relate to that feeling.

For me, I think it's borne out of constant fear coupled with a feeling of being out of my depth since I can remember.

Then I have to try really hard to remind myself, " Hang on a sec, I've got this far...perhaps I can go the rest of the way".

Sorry to highjack the OP's post, it's just that the comment caught my eye and resonated so much with me.

Kim

 

 

 

 

 

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