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TRIGGER WARNING-SEXUAL CONTENT Worried my old records are going to make psych take away my diag


successful_workthru

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TRIGGER WARNING-SEXUAL CONTENT don't scroll down if you are sensitive to such material.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry if this is all over the place. I have suspected ADHD so I find it hard to write in order especiallly if i am tense like I am now.

On 2nd June I got diag with BPD (EUPD) and c-ptsd although I was told the latter is not recognised as normal ptsd is (one offf bad exeriences as opposed to ongoing trauma) This was a validating relief for me as I have suspected it myself for 7 years. I have no skin, a crustacen without a shell, vulnerable exposed, angry, sensitive, pissed off, low self esteem, self destructive behaviour, etc etc

I still have not had my confirmation letter.

The psyche was off a week, but while he was off, a whole load of my old notes came from Middlesbrough mental health services where I used to live. I've lived in the South West for 15yrs now. I am worried that these notes that the psychiatrist will go through, will take away my much needed EUPD and c-ptsd diags, as I never mentioned abuse and trauma in Middlesbrough where I received about 13yrs of treatment on and off. Out patient only.

I never told them how much I drank, I never admitted it.

It's only in the last few years I realised how abused I was, so when I was in and out of treatment in Middlesbrough, I never told them about the abuse I was getting at home, as I was in denial or I was genuinely unaware, cos six other members of my family all said the same stuff, so i thought they were right.

In Middlesbrough, in psyche sessions, I focused on my inability to stand up for myself at work an home, and the fact that I never knew what to say when someone picked on me.

One psychiatrist I saw actually asked me if I got moist when i touched myself in Middlesbrough in my 20's.

His letter to my GP stated I was immature. I cant remember the rest of it but it wasnt very nice.

I never knew I was a vulnerable adult and a victim of abuse in my own home, I lived a very sheltered life until I came down here and things changed. I never told the mental health staff at middlesbrough about my self harm, temper outbursts etc I dunno why, maybe I wanted to appear 'normal' as I worked 9-5 and was still trying to fit into that brigade when its now obvious that is not where i belong.

I had much less self awareness then than I do now.

I was that dense that I was being sexually assaulted at work and never realised, and i was in my 20's so age is no excuse. I never thought to tell this to my psych staff in middlesbrough, but I did down south, and I am worried the staff down here will now think I am a fraud.

I read the internet and discovered there were people like me. Psychedelics opened my mind to the fact that I need more compassion for myself, and to let emotions flow out of me, fully feeling them, letting them dissolve.

I never thought to mention the sexual encounter with the psychiatrist in middlesbrough to my current CPN and I cannot even remember telling my GP of it, as I know this sounds daft, but I was so brainwashed by my domineering parents, they kept me stunted emotionaly, so I have always lived as a kid in an adults body, but only the mental health staf down south know this, as I never thought to tell the mental health staff up north. The emotional stunting has reallly caused debilitating effects and wasted potential, of which I hope I can salvage.

As for my current cpn, our last convo was on the phone, rushed, and I don't like to bother her too much, cos she says they are working in the background to help me by sorting out a script to get me off drugs, and even if I don't hear for weeks, they are definitely working to help me.

I'm in no rush to get a script cos I am tapering off it myself anyway, but I do want to know where my treatment is going and I have goals to propose to my CPN, but we don't see each other.

I am worried the psych staff down south will think I am a fraud cos I never told the psych staff up north anywhere near what I told the psych staff down south, and the fact that I lied and said I took more types of AD than I really did, makes me look more of a fraud, so I am really worried that my diagnosis will be taken away or relegated to 'depression' or 'anxiety' which are symptoms not actual diagnoses, and if my diag is taken away, so will my validation.

My current cpn does not book appointments. I ring the CMHT often but I feel guilty speaking all the time to the duty nurse when urgent cases out there, like psychotic people not knowing where they are etc, danger to themselves.

I took psychedelic drugs, I started thinking deeper,learning more, learning about love and respect versus abuse and recognised that in fact, I had been abused. This was when I was able to open up  to the psych staff down here and tell them I had been mentally and physicaly abused.

I told my CPN I took all manner of AD's which had bad side efects and didnt work, when I only took prozac and effexor.

I thought my old records were lost forever, so i could fib in order for them not to force meds on me.

Last week, my CPN told me all my old notes from mental health services at Middlesbrough had come through.

I just spent sessions with medical professionals talking about arguments I was having with people, and how I could not stand up for myself. I never mentioned how I used to hit myself and punch myself and regress and whine under stress.

I never mentioned to my middlesbrough cpn and staf, how I was easily vulnerable and victimized and a target. I never mentioned my parents abused me.

I am worried that, as I have STILL not received the letter, now the psychiatrist will have read through my old notes, he may take away my BPD and c-ptsd diagnoses, which I think fit me like a glove and validate me.

I would be devastated to have these taken away from me.

Anway, what do you reckon, I have allowed enough time, even with the psychs weeks holiday factored in and still no letter, so do you reckon he's changed his mind and thinks im not BPD or c-ptsd afterall, just a depressed and anxoius fraud?

 

Thanks for reading.

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Try not to let a mental health diagnosis define you as a person.  You are much more than that.  Most if not all mental health issues exist along a continuum.  Even if you don't fit totally into a certain category, you can certainly be affected by certain symptoms in that category.  If you can, just determine what your issues are and work on them and the hell with the diagnosis.  On the other hand, I can understand "having a diagnosis" when it comes to getting help from the government, insurance, etc.  When I was younger, I too was obsessed with my "diagnosis".  But to be honest, I think that type of thinking only made me run around in circles and slow down my progress.  I made more progress when I just simply looked at myself as a regular human being who had certain symptoms that were just more severe than that experienced by supposedly "normal" people.  Take care - Detroitguy.

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2 hours ago, detroitguy said:

Try not to let a mental health diagnosis define you as a person.  You are much more than that.  Most if not all mental health issues exist along a continuum.  Even if you don't fit totally into a certain category, you can certainly be affected by certain symptoms in that category.  If you can, just determine what your issues are and work on them and the hell with the diagnosis.  On the other hand, I can understand "having a diagnosis" when it comes to getting help from the government, insurance, etc.  When I was younger, I too was obsessed with my "diagnosis".  But to be honest, I think that type of thinking only made me run around in circles and slow down my progress.  I made more progress when I just simply looked at myself as a regular human being who had certain symptoms that were just more severe than that experienced by supposedly "normal" people.  Take care - Detroitguy.

thanks, but I am worried about losing my diagnosis when the psychiatrist looks at all the old notes.

I'm worried I wont get chance to tell my current psych nurse that  I didnt know i was being abused.

 

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I understand what you mean about losing your diagnosis. I had the opposite where I had  a very slack consultation with a Professor of psychiatry. He misdiagnosed me. I am now left with that. I can't change it. I have to live with it. 

I know that sounds mad, as its opposite, but, I totally get it. I couldn't hang on to my prior diagnosis - the professor changed it - overrode it. 

I hope that now you have the correct diagnosis, the psychiatrist would discuss things with you rather than just overriding it. I'm sure they will. Then you can explain. Also, the fact you didn't know you were being abused could perhaps be a symptom BPD ? Perhaps some of your notes might strengthen your BPD diagnosis ?

I'm rambling now - sorry. 

I hope you can have a little peace about it all.

Xxx

 

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3 minutes ago, mamalou said:

I understand what you mean about losing your diagnosis. I had the opposite where I had  a very slack consultation with a Professor of psychiatry. He misdiagnosed me. I am now left with that. I can't change it. I have to live with it. 

I know that sounds mad, as its opposite, but, I totally get it. I couldn't hang on to my prior diagnosis - the professor changed it - overrode it. 

I hope that now you have the correct diagnosis, the psychiatrist would discuss things with you rather than just overriding it. I'm sure they will. Then you can explain. Also, the fact you didn't know you were being abused could perhaps be a symptom BPD ? Perhaps some of your notes might strengthen your BPD diagnosis ?

I'm rambling now - sorry. 

I hope you can have a little peace about it all.

Xxx

 

I hope some of my notes could strengthen my BPD diag and cptsd diag, as they are valuable to me.

They raise my self esteem cos they are validation. Thank you for your kind post

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2 hours ago, mamalou said:

I hope you are less anxious today. 

I'm thinking of you.

Xxxxx

thank you-means a lot to me

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