Jump to content
Mental Health Forums

I don't know what's wrong with me.


cicconeyouth

Recommended Posts

It's so difficult to talk about this, because I'm not sure what it is, and I can't put a name to it. But I feel like I need to try. 

I feel like some of my traits might be due to an abusive, emotionally draining relationship I was in last year, however some of them seem to have absolutely no cause, as I had a happy childhood and, other than the abusive relationship I was in, have never experienced anything significantly traumatic.

I feel like a fraud. Over the past year, I have completely reinvented myself by 'faking it til I make it', and whilst I feel like a "better" person now than I did a year ago, I feel like I'm lying to everyone and that I've tricked them into liking the 'fake' me, rather than the 'real' me. The problem is, I don't know who the 'real' me is. I feel like the me I am now is the 'real' me, which is why it scares me that I simultaneously feel like a fraud. 

I'm incredibly uncomfortable in my own body, to the point where it's on my mind 24/7 and is a constant problem for me. This chronically low self-esteem affects my daily life, I can't focus on anything, I always feel self conscious and like people are laughing at me. I feel so disgusting and repulsive that I'm surprised people even talk to me or tolerate me. Sometimes, I feel either completely disengaged from my body, like I've drifted away and am watching myself from above, or, more commonly, I feel hyperaware of my every movement in my body, and get too self-aware and self-concious to move. 

I'm paranoid, in that I'm convinced my partner is cheating on me even though he's very trustworthy, we're in a happy relationship, and I have absolutely no reason to believe that he's cheating on me. I also believe that everyone - my friends, boyfriend and people I barely know included - are plotting against me and have some sort of conspiracy against me, which doesn't surprise me as I see myself as selfish, annoying and mean. 

I'm quite extroverted, but I feel like this comes across as obnoxious to people, so sometimes I will make a pledge with myself to not say anything or draw any attention to myself whatsoever for hours or days at a time. 

Tiny, tiny things can cause my mood to completely crash. I read into every single word anyone says to me, and often, this deep and obsessive analysis can cause me to believe they hate me, or, in the case of my boyfriend, that he's cheating on me.

I've been feeling this way since I was around twelve or thirteen, and it's extremely exhausting. If anyone could offer any anecdotes or knowledge to help me understand my situation better, that would be so so appreciated.

Thankyou. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
successful_workthru
1 hour ago, cicconeyouth said:

It's so difficult to talk about this, because I'm not sure what it is, and I can't put a name to it. But I feel like I need to try. 

I feel like some of my traits might be due to an abusive, emotionally draining relationship I was in last year, however some of them seem to have absolutely no cause, as I had a happy childhood and, other than the abusive relationship I was in, have never experienced anything significantly traumatic.

I feel like a fraud. Over the past year, I have completely reinvented myself by 'faking it til I make it', and whilst I feel like a "better" person now than I did a year ago, I feel like I'm lying to everyone and that I've tricked them into liking the 'fake' me, rather than the 'real' me. The problem is, I don't know who the 'real' me is. I feel like the me I am now is the 'real' me, which is why it scares me that I simultaneously feel like a fraud. 

I'm incredibly uncomfortable in my own body, to the point where it's on my mind 24/7 and is a constant problem for me. This chronically low self-esteem affects my daily life, I can't focus on anything, I always feel self conscious and like people are laughing at me. I feel so disgusting and repulsive that I'm surprised people even talk to me or tolerate me. Sometimes, I feel either completely disengaged from my body, like I've drifted away and am watching myself from above, or, more commonly, I feel hyperaware of my every movement in my body, and get too self-aware and self-concious to move. 

I'm paranoid, in that I'm convinced my partner is cheating on me even though he's very trustworthy, we're in a happy relationship, and I have absolutely no reason to believe that he's cheating on me. I also believe that everyone - my friends, boyfriend and people I barely know included - are plotting against me and have some sort of conspiracy against me, which doesn't surprise me as I see myself as selfish, annoying and mean. 

I'm quite extroverted, but I feel like this comes across as obnoxious to people, so sometimes I will make a pledge with myself to not say anything or draw any attention to myself whatsoever for hours or days at a time. 

Tiny, tiny things can cause my mood to completely crash. I read into every single word anyone says to me, and often, this deep and obsessive analysis can cause me to believe they hate me, or, in the case of my boyfriend, that he's cheating on me.

I've been feeling this way since I was around twelve or thirteen, and it's extremely exhausting. If anyone could offer any anecdotes or knowledge to help me understand my situation better, that would be so so appreciated.

Thankyou. 

TRIGGER WARNING

 

 

 

 


dunno if you have a dx
I often struggle to describe things, which is possibly why I got dx so late with BPD. I think abuse makes us lose our sense of self, and takes away our ability to articulate our thoughts, as we are so used to having them stamped out of us by the abusers.

Sometimes, we can believe we have had a happy childhood, but it can take decades to realise that this was not the case.
Lots of adults in their 40s-60's only realise they were abused this late in life.

Golden rule, be yourself, there is no good that comes out of faking it. Wanting to fake it means we don't like ourselves? What happened to stop you liking yourself?
Not knowing who we are can be a consequence of early abuse, even if that abuse was not maliciously meant. Over protective parents etc
If you are being real, you are not a fraud.

Being uncomfortable in your own body indicates that someone has said or done something to lower your self esteem, so you literally don't want to be with yourself.
It is significant if it's on your mind 24/7 and is a constant problem for you.
We're not born with low self esteem, soemthing happens that lowers it, this can be a one off or chronic events, that we don't even realise are abuse.
My siblinngs dont think we were abused, but I do.
I know we were.
The fact that you can't focus on anything, shows you are preoccuptied.
Feelings of self consciousness and like people are laughing at you, are related to low self esteem, like being ridiculed/humiliated, or feeling ridiculed/humiliated in the past.
You feel so disgusting and repulsive because someone has made you feel that way, it is just outside of your conscious awareness at the moment.
This happened to me, I did not know I Was being mentally traumatised, but I do now, and I am facing the pain and working through it so I can move on.
Feeling completely disengaged from your body, points to abuse, like you've drifted away and am watching myself from above, or, more commonly, I feel hyperaware of my every movement in my body, and get too self-aware and self-concious to move.

We block things out because our psyche is not yet ready to receie or remember them.
Jealousy in love is related to insecurity and low self esteem, "How can anyone like me?"
Do you feel you are focusing on your perceived faults? Can you look at these as areas of improvement rather than faults?

I hope this helps and does not trigger you or shock you.

What happened at age 12-13 ? what changed?
These questions I ask in this post are for you to ask yourself.
Be kind to yourself, that is the golden rule, when discovering things that taste bad emotoinally.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds so hard to feel those things every day.I dont know what it is that you suffer with. I do know youre not a bad person. Youre struggling and you deserve care also from yourself.

I was wondering if you have ever considered seeing a therapist about all this? It can really help to have someone help you make sense of things and help you find ways to cope and in turn feel better.

Youre always welcome here, to talk. I hope it helps you to know youre not alone. We are all struggling here.

Lily

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi cicconeyouth

You are not alone in this, what you have wrote really resonates with the way I feel, I also can't put a name to it, but I am not sure it needs one. Loosing your sense of self can be a real horrible experience, because without an identity it is easy to get lost.

You're not a fraud, we all put on a show for those who we don't want to let in, but it is important to let your true self show to at least someone.

successful_workthru is right in a lot of what she is saying. Being uncomfortable in your own body is usually an indication that you are not happy with who you are and want to distance yourself, I think that is why I do it, I wish I was a different person a lot of the time, so subconsciously I move away from the person who I dislike being.

I know it may seem like you have a lot of problems, but when I read what you have wrote it all comes back to disliking yourself, you will therefore naturally feel that others feel the same way.

I think the most important thing to do is to try to address why you don't like yourself, try to look at yourself through an objective lens. Try not to think about who you are too much, I have found this only contributes to the feelings you are getting. I think the best way is to take a "what will be will be" approach, focus on the moment rather than the what ifs and don't presume you have the ability to read minds.

Thank you for sharing, I know it's hard, it is helpful to talk though things with people, writing this helps me :). I think you would really benefit from therapy if you were happy to give it a go. I have an appointment later today to go over similar issues.

In the meantime, or if you feel you are not quite ready, you can always talk to us on here and we will try to help you as much as we can, as Lily said we all know how it can be when you are struggling with things.

Forest

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...

Potential power of Double stemcell to grow new cells

Double stemcell has his potential powers to creat damage cells like- Every plant has stem cells. But different in humans, every plant cell has the potential to dedifferentiate to a stem cell and to grow into an entirely new, full plant, Stemcell also grow newly cell that man get healthier back. Double StemCell is a combination of 2 main fruits ingredient in nourishing the skin from the inner level to give you a significant and effective result. Like- Delays aging process, Enhances health and vitality etc For more visit

...........................................................................

   phytoscienceteamasia

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...