Hello all. A little background.

[5cmpersecond]

Hello,

I'm a 27 yr old female from Finland, but grew up in the US.

About 4 months ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was something I had suspected I may have---but it was an event that still crushed me internally and made me re-evaluate everything in my life. I've had adolescent emotional traumas and early adulthood trauma when my mother almost kicked me out of my house for reasons I won't go into right now. Depression and psychological illness runs in my family, but as years rolled on following a tough childhood and a rough start into adulthood, I began to become more and more erratic in my behaviors. By 20 I was having regular fights with family, and abandoned by what I thought were close friends---which fortified a starting point for intense abandonment fears. I had gotten into therapy and it gradually helped me some to work through my feelings. But for years I felt like my diagnoses were never full---I felt like there was something wrong with me that no doctor or therapist could address. I went on for years like this. I kicked people out of my life that I saw as either traitors or toxic, engaged in my love of cars by....driving faster than is really what anyone would recommend. My moods were the worst part---I can go from 0 to 100 in seconds, and then back to zero again. The timing is highly random. It has tortured me for years because I could not find stability, and it felt like no one wanted me in their lives. I've been known to self harm in various ways over years and have been hospitalized a few times as well as temporary psychiatric holds.

There's so much more, but I'll leave this for another day. I hope to work through some of these feelings. I realize for years I thought everyone was against me, but after my diagnosis it forced me to see it differently. I was instigating much of my destruction in relationships (some I have saved, some I have not), and that I caused many people a lot of pain because of my actions. It's shameful, I still struggle, and I am trying to come to terms that I have a personality disorder. It's not easy, but it fits everything I've been suffering with for a while.

 

[moonbeam beth]

Hello Moombeambeth here. That is one amazing, open and heartfelt introduction. Thank you for sharing. People here can be amazing and very supportive. Sending some peace and light your way x

[Kimboski]

Hi 5cm.

Welcome here! I hope you find a lot of help and support here, as I have.

We aren't defined by the BPD label........but it does help you understand your actions. And that understanding, certainly for me, was a great place to  start to get the help I needed. I really hope that's the case for you too.

Kim