Long term severe social phobia, agoraphobia, depression and panic attacks, can't dig myself out of this hole

[purpletoupee]

Hi

I'm a 26 year old female and have suffered from these mental health problems for over 10 years now, and had a long period of hospitalisation for a suicide attempt as a teenager. I cannot speak to people AT ALL, my mind and body literally refuse to co-operate and I totally shut down and feel like there's a gun to my head. I can't get words out, I can't move properly, I dissociate, everyone just stares at me and that's it. I basically can't do more than get groceries on my own, and it's only until recently that I've been able to do that.  I've spent the last 8 YEARS almost totally housebound, my late teens and all of my twenties so far have spent basically spent within four walls. I can't even really comprehend this and obviously it's this huge, seemingly irreparable thing that puts a further chasm between me and the rest of the world. I've never learnt how to talk to people or had any kind of healthy friendship. By some total miracle I had a boyfriend for several years who I met initially because he basically took pity on me cowering alone in a corner somewhere. He tried everything he could to help me, but to no avail. This is the only relationship/friendship that I've had in about nine years, and he left me over a year ago. My whole life has been totally ruined by this stuff and I don't feel like there's a place in the world for me. There's a complete absence of recognition of these problems. People's won't even lsiten most of the time, it's like they think I'm spinning a tissue of deranged lies and they don't want to listen in case it's messes their heads up too. But I'm dealing with a series of debilitating mental illnesses culminating from severe childhood shyness, being wired to be extremely sensitive, zero-self esteem, PTSD and constant bullying.

No one will really listen or try to understand outside of the online world -- they seem to actually believe that I let my whole life be destroyed because I get a bit anxious talking to new people or a bit worried about what people think. They seem totally bewildered by the fact that I'm so scared of people, but I've essentially always been this way and can't understand how other people aren't.

I don't know how I'm ever going to get out in the world and have a job, life, friends. I've been suicidal day-in-day-out for years. I'm doing a degree with the Open University from home, but it's not term-time at the moment so I don't have that to distract me at all. I feel like my cognitive processes are totally screwed, I never seem to be present on the rare times when I do go out (with my parents) or know what's going on. I try to tell myself it's the severe anxiety and depression but often I feel that my brain will never work again and I'm just stupid.

I really want to commit suicide, it's all I think of, but I just seem to be too cowardly to do that, too. I keep telling myself I'll do it before my tenancy runs out in september. My landlord isn't letting me renew my tenancy 'cause he wants to sell the property, and because I'm long-term sick and not working it's nearly impossible to find anywhere that will accept me, being on housing benefit. Plus, I am so frightened an unable to sort all this stuff on my own that my parents have had to try and get something sorted out for me. I've become totally useless, infantilised. The anxiety just has a huge grip over everything and I don't know who I am.

Anyway thank you for reading, if you can plough through it all.  Best wishes everyone.

[ForestP]

Hey Purple

You will be surprised how things can turn around, you're in a bad place at the moment but things can get better.

There's a lot of people here that can help and give advice if you need it.

I'm sure things will get better for you, I know it's hard but try to look at the good things rather than focusing on the bad (I should take my own advice).

Best wishes to you too.

Forest

[moonbeam beth]

Hello Purple, nice to meet you

So much of what you say, strikes cords of fear, and pain, and yes me too...

We are different for how or why we suffer, but I am sitting inside right now, heart hurt knowing, that there is no difference in despair and pain...

PLEASE DONT FORGET YOU ARE SURVIVING, I know this is not quite the same as living, but we must NEVER GIVE UP ON OURSELVES, WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN OUR SYMPTOMS.

But it doesnt feel that way, to most of us most of the time, when so much of our time is surviving moment to moment...

Thank Goodness for technology, there you are-here I am-here we are together...

I have the privilege of sometimes having the company of a 28 year old woman, that suffers the brutal symptoms you describe...

She says I am so transparent to her that there was nothing to fear, most wonderful thing for me, I was present for many of her first, first hello on the telephone, first time she spoke a hello before I did...fear of people is what unites us actually...thats what united me to most of the people in the psych units, I am scared, you are scared, together we can cover and cuddle in our hearts is what I said...

You are facing so many practical problems at this time, it really is no wonder that you got overwhelmed and continue to feel so desperate....

I am sending you a massive well wish, and hoping that you are keeping safe and will come back and tell us all how you are...mbb x

 

[purpletoupee]

Thank you both. I'm struggling to reply right now as the depression is so bad. I really need to get up and do something right now. I geniunely feel like the only way out of this is suicide. The fog never lifts enough for me to even begin to get any kind of momentum and the anxiety is just too crippling. Everything is totally messed up. I had a couple of kind people who I was kind of friends with for a period when I was about 17 try and get in touch with me via email -- they didn't even run away when I had to explain that I'd been housebound for so long -- but I was just too scared and didn't know how I'd be able to meet them, and knew they'd hate me/be terrified when they saw what I'd become. It hurts my brain that social phobia has controlled my whole life and is so crippling, yet it sounds so stupid to most other people.

I somehow managed to get a voluntary job a while ago, but trying to function whilst feeling so incredibly ill and constantly dissociating and panicking was impossible: getting there, getting in the door, trying to speak to people, being present in the situation and trying to stop my whole body and muscles seizing up was all hellish and people were gossiping about me straight away, wondering what the hell was going on with me. They obviously weren't going to be understanding in the slightest. I obviously wasn't fit for the job and couldn't cope so stopped coming in.

I really need to just get on with it and do it.

[moonbeam beth]

Hello again,

I am hearing you presently...

Its really quite a lot to 'go get on with' in one day...you may be in need of just a little self compassion...its ok, today, right now, that you, that I, are attempting to go through hours, trying to calm some responses down, just enough, to at least, eat, wash, drink something, communicate with someone..

Actually I thank you for being present right now...I am not alone, just seperate!

Im here for awhile, helps me feel connected...and I had a real hard time to eat...did you manage to eat or drink today?

Peace out for now x

[addy2]

moonbeam you have such a kind beautiful way of taking to people you remind me of someone I know in rl she is the kindest person I know and although my interactions with her are brief she gives a lasting feeling of calm and kindness like you do that is truly an amazing gift. Listen to moonbeam purple being here in the now and we are all in the now today that is truly great I'm not alone either xx

[artemis84]

Hi purple,

I am so sorry you are suffering so much right now.  I too am struggling but in different ways.  However, I am very actively suicidal as well.  When I can think clearly though (rare but it can happen) I don't believe it is the answer.  We have to be brave, we have to fight on, beat these conditions.  I totally understand how hard it is but we can do it.

Just out of interest, has anyone ever investigated if you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum? I am not a doctor and don't mean to scare you or diagnose you but a lot of your symptoms could fit ASD in my opinion. And I cant help feeling that you might get more help with that diagnosis.  I have often thought the same about me - I have BPD (amongst other things) and sometimes that can be confused with autism by the people who diagnose.  Anyway, I will stop waffling on now!

Just wanted to say hi and please hang on.  We are a decent bunch here and you can write what you want when you want, we will listen.

Best wishes, take care.

[moonbeam beth]

Hello again, 

I just came back to send you some thoughts...

I am wishing for you, the strength to go moment by moment, little by little...

Artemes and addy are right, here we are a decent bunch of people, that do care and do listen...

(although my own inner chaos and trigger wont allow me to write that without an assult-who I am I to say Im decent!)

Thinking of you right now amd hoping that you find a way to commumicate with someone today, wishing you safety.

Big well wish to you from me x

 

[addy2]

A lot of woman with Asd are misdiagnosed with bpd I have bpd I have three sons with autism I am so sure I am on the spectrum my anxiety is severe and constant it never leaves going places is very hard change is very hard. I even had this conversation with a psychologist and she agreed a lot of us are misdiagnosed 

[purpletoupee]

Hi, thank you all again. I'm sorry I haven't replied properly to all your messages yet, I'm just still struggling to focus. I will do ASAP. I really appreciate your thoughtful words moonbeth, and hope I haven't upset you in any way. Look after yourself xxx

Artemis: Can I ask exactly why you think I may be on the autism spectrum? I know that my symptoms fit social phobia, and that I have been diagnosed with that.

I'm not saying it's not a possibility -- I have wondered if I had aspergers, and have always felt 'weird', in a way that made it very hard to fit in and adopt social norms, which definitely caused rejection and increased my fear of people. I know girls are underdiagnosed with it as well. I don't think I have trouble sensing people's emotions, or relating to people in a lot of ways (when I'm not terrified, which is pretty much all of the time) but then that may be an incorrect stereotype about people on the autism spectrum, as far as I know. Anxiety is the main issue that's affecting my interactions with others, though, and I don't know how common it is for people with ASD to feel constant terror in social situations. I asked my ex if he thought I had aspergers and his view was 'no', but yeah, who knows. Am I giving off an autistic vibe?

Take care everyone. Liz

[moonbeam beth]

Hello, happy that you were able to come back and check in...

I am not sure about the over conversation that your having...

So I am just sending a well wish for now..

And no you did not upset me in anyway, did not mean for the writing to come across that way...

Wishing you a safe and hopefully peaceful night x

[purpletoupee]

Hi everyone. I'm feeling ok today so am taking the chance to reply properly.

Forest: You're right, it is important. I do try to count my blessings. I could be a migrant displaced from home and trying to get across the Mediterranean in a fishing boat alive. I could be in lots of other awful situations. I'm stuck in a shielded, sheltered kind of way and I need to find a way to deal with it. Despite the obvious problems, I'm physically well, I currently have financial support for my conditions (which many people dealing with similar things in other countries don't), I'm able to study for a degree from home (I never thought I was going to be able to go back to studying), I have parents who now try to understand and help as much as they can. In all these ways I'm extremely lucky. I'm just hoping so much that there's still a chance to get out of this and find a place in the world. The thought that I'll never be able to work or have a proper life because of what's happened (or not happened) over the past several years is so upsetting and scary to me but I've decided I'm going to give getting well a real shot.

Moonbeth: It sounds like you're a great friend! Yes, I met someone in a psych unit (one of the people I mentioned) and we definitely supported each other while we were there. Hospitalisation was obviously horrible but there was something about the atmosphere of everyone being in the same boat (or, at least, different kinds of crappy sinking boats) that helped me open up and talk to people, for the period of time that I was there. I wish the feeling lasted! I hope you're feeling better today and have been able to eat... I'm lucky in that anxiety (when I'm at home anyway) doesn't really affect my appetite and I manage to eat healthily.

I am going to make a plan of recovery and see what I can do. I have a psych appointment and a home visit with a support worker soon to help me with my agoraphobia. I hope I can keep coming back on here and maybe get to know some people -- would be great. I need to find a way to deal with these crippling social fears (whever they're coming from) and then think about voluntary work that I can cope with, etc.

Again -- thinking of you all and hope you're enjoying the good weather. Liz x

[ForestP]

Hi Liz

It's great to read such positivity, please don’t feel that you need to do this for my benefit though. There is a place in this world for everyone, yourself included, I think the trick is finding it. It’s never too late, and I believe there isn’t anything you can’t come back from, although I will admit some things are harder than others, it won’t happen overnight, but if you go for it I believe you will get what you want in the end.

Recovery plans are great, just don’t get too bogged down if everything doesn’t go to plan, that is just the way life goes sometimes, keep at it and you will get there. Getting help with agoraphobia is a great idea, once you get out there I am confident that in time you will appreciate what the world has to offer. Work can be really therapeutic, it is to me, I go in to work regardless, no matter how much I just want to stay at home and shut myself off from everyone and everything I have a commitment, people depend on me, I don’t want to let people down so I come in every day and when I’m working it takes my mind off things.

You need any help with anything just ask.

Forest

[purpletoupee]

Thanks forest. Obviously I got to this state because my mental health problems were physically and mentally stopping me from functioning in the world. If you physically become unable to move because of fear, physically can't go into the office or the loo or eat in front of anyone due to this weird unplaceable fear etc etc, and can't form words, speak to people or hear what's going on, you're not much use to anyone. No one can function on the level of terror I currently experience every day. It debiliates me. This is why I need a lot of help. But I'm trying to cultivate hope, and find people who realise what's going on.

I've also been getting some support on a forum specifically for people with panic disorder and agoraphobia, many who are also housebound and have had to give up their jobs or not been able to work. I managed to speak a bit to a lady at a MIND centre a while back, who had the same conditions as me (but without the social phobia) and was housebound for three years with it. She started volunteering, and then got the job at MIND and can go to and from work but can't go anywhere else. I've made a plan, and will try and find a way out of all this. WIll come back here later. x

[ForestP]

Baby steps, work on getting out there first, find a reason to go out and face your fears, once you start to face them they loose their power. I didn't mean go out and get a full time job immediately, you need to build up to that.

I don't really know what the condition I had/have (it still bothers me, but I don't react so much to it anymore), but it centres around people, I don't like to be in crowds, I get mentally stimulated easily, and having lots of people around overloads my brain, I also have social anxiety and worry a lot about my interactions with people and what they think of me. On top of that I have low self-esteem and many forms of OCD (that I have daily struggles keeping at bay).

I used to get panic attacks at school, work, in shopping centres, on trains/buses where I would freeze, unable to speak or move. They scared the hell out of me, it got to the point where I didn't want to go to out anymore because I was worried that this would happen, I learned the more I worried about it, the more it happened, so I had to train myself to stop worrying about it, I opened up (with great difficulty) about the problems I was having and people were really understanding. I got some therapy and I haven't had a full on attack for about 4 years now. It's a gradual process, it takes time and work but it can be done.

It's good that you are finding people who who can support you, speaking to people who have gone though the same thing really helps. It's great your trying to find a way out, recognising the problem, and wanting to change is a huge step, I'm really happy for you

Forest

[purpletoupee]

Hi Forest,

I've had short periods of OCD (intrusive thought) type stuff in the past, especially in my teens, so I can only imagine how awful it must be to deal with that kind of stuff on a constant basis. You are incredible for managing to get out there and live your life daily with mental health conditions, and I really hope you are having some good times as well? Congratulations on coming so far with dealing with your panic attacks, too.

I need to find a way to get out there and not scare people away by how nervous I am. My body language makes it look like the last thing I want to do is talk to someone (because I guess I don't), and I can't even make eye contact, so people leave me alone. And if I am forced into some kind of brief interaction, it's just horrible. It's a real catch-22 thing. I need positive experiences to build on, to get some momentum. I caved in and tried this medication that my psychiatrist recommended. I have not had good experiences with psych meds in the past. These ones are totally knocking me out, but as I'm not working I guess I can keep taking them in the hope that the extreme sedative effect will soon wear off. It just means that I'm knocked out cold for 13 hours and can hardly move for a few hours when I wake up. So I've had to temporarily stop going out for jogs in the quiet park around the corner, which seems pretty counter-productive, but I'm going to give them a go and maybe they'll 'give me a step up to help me help myself' or whatever it is they always say.

My ex-boyfriend's friends were really not understanding at all, and because they weren't familiar with these mental health conditions they basically said I was 'being stupid'. My boyfriend explained that I had a real problem talking to other people before I met them, and I was told that they'd just be really glad to meet me -- so I went there, was in a total state and they just stared at me like I was a nutter (which I guess I am) and made comments to each other. So that was hard.

There have been times though recently when people have been looking at me, and looking like they want to chat -- there's this one guy who works nearby and keeps looking at me, and it got to the point where I could see he was coming over to try to talk to me -- and I just bolted 'cause I was terrified. Just... what was I going to say?! He was inadvertently fancying the local borderline-housebound recluse. I'll find a safe place where I can try and talk to people who are also dealing with stuff, I'll have more luck at first that way, not feeling like I have to hide an unhideable secret.

But anyway. Enough babbling. I did mention the possiblity of the autism thing to the psychiatrist and he dismissed it straight away...
 

 

[ForestP]

Yea I have good times, it's not all bad, I go from good to bad pretty regularly I've had a decent day today, reading my post back I make it sound like my life is all doom and gloom, it isn't, I'm just not happy with some aspects of it and some aspects of myself which is why I'm in therapy.

Sounds like you need to find the right people, there are understanding people out there you just need to give them a chance....I'm crap in social situations so I'm not the best person to give advice on talking to people, I just put on my best poker face and pretend as best I can I'm comfortable. I went through loads of medications before I found one that worked, you need to give them at least a month before you feel the true effect. If you do find one that works it may get you out of that catch that you appear to be stuck in. I think most start of with a sedative effect because they kill off the anxious energy you are likely running on.

Yea, a lot of people don't get mental health, I don't fully and I've been dealing with problems all my life. I can imagine what happened with your ex's "friends" was veryuncomfortable and didn't help things .

Gettings things in the open is sometimes helpful, especially if you feel it is a big secret, thoughts like that can really screw with your brain.

Babble away, it's your thread and in a way that's what the forum is here for. You didn't come accross to me like you had autism. I read the symptoms I actually have all of them, but actively try to be "normal", I actually could be very mildly, but I don't like labels so yea....

Hope your finding help here (maybe even a little within my ramblings)......

Forest

[artemis84]

Hi Liz,

Sorry for the delay in my response, I am having a bit of a hard time myself at the moment.

Like I said, I by no means have the ability to diagnose or not, ASD or anything else.  It's just, like addy, I have had some experience of ASD over the years and I too have found it is often very under-diagnosed in women.  It was just that some of your symptoms sounded similar that is all and I wondered if anyone had looked into it at all.  However, like you point out - you also have symptoms that seem separate or not ASD similar.

I have been diagnosed with BPD but my mum is convinced I am on the autistic spectrum (specifically Aspergers).  Again, I agree with addy in that BPD is often confused with autism.  Anyway, that's my issue, not yours.

I am sorry that everything is so very hard for you, I just wish there was more support out there for us all, regardless of labels and diagnosis.

[purpletoupee]

Hi Artemis, no problem, and please take care. xx I appreciated your suggestion, I should have made that clearer! I still think it's a possibility. I don't know if the psychiatrist was right to dismiss it or not. I guess ASD isn't dealt with by a mental health team anyway, so maybe he isn't the best person to recognise the condition. Will respond to your message tomorrow Forest. Thanks again all. Yes, it is a very lonely life having mental health problems. Really does feel like 'living in the middle ages'.

 

The title of my thread is annoying me. I realise that digging is not the best way to get yourself out of a hole.