could i have bpd?

[hippiehousewife]

i m actually really scared about saying something on here in case i get judged or told im being stupid or something, but its driving me "mad" i've had mental health issues since i was 11 which started with a close friend of mine being bullied i witnessed it, i felt awfull i couldnt do anything about and i just wanted to die i tried to self harm numerous times because i felt so bad that i couldnt stop my friend from these attacks.Since then i have self harmed in several ways often changing my style my interests and my appearence.I'll admitt ive gone through alot of trauma during my childhood and teen years but its irratating that people put everything is putting it down to that. I ran away from home 3 times and it seemed to be an on going thing when i feel pressure i bolt usually i dont even think about it i just go , and since 15 i(apart from my current marriage) havent been able to have a proper relationship ive cheated on every guy including my husband ive been to lots of councelling ,cbt and other types of therapy but it just doesnt add up or help i dont seem to think on things but with cheating i feel like i have to get the attention even though i might in  a relationship or married. Ive had times where ive been so angry ive lashed out but then been in tears scared my husband will leave me physically wrapping my arms around him or physically stopping him from walking away, even times when he has said he wants to go cool off i cant bare to let him go in case he doesnt come back. I have alot of paranoia too feeling that people are talking about me behind my back, or laughing at me making jokes at my expence or giving me disgusted looks. Even before i had first cheated on my husband(before we were married) i was and still am convinced hes fooling around with other women behind my back and then trying to convince me its in my head. Im sure he when asks me about my actions innocent or otherwise hes trying to trick me im convinced that hes convinced me my mental health issues are so bad and that i had to have my medication increased. The other night i felt my thoughts were not my own racing around in my head they were trying to keep me awake trying to make me suffer i had to hit myself in the head just to get the thoughts to go away 3 hours sleep and i still wasnt tired the next day. I feel so lost and confused my best friend thinks i just need to grow up and my husband thinks its all psychosimatic no one believes me and to be quite honest the only thing keeping me going right now is i have 3 children who are my life and i feel that if somehow i was saved from what ever i do to end my disaster fraudulent of a life i will not have them with me , as thier dad would take them away and even if i just leave this marriage for whatever reason my best friend would be against with teaming up with my husband to keep my children from me ....this isnt the first time ive had this worry when my youngest was born 4 years ago i would sit in the dark holding him with my strength curtains closed lights off doors locked refusing to move convinced someone would come in the house and walk out with them ....what am i going to  do i dont know i feel trapped in my mind and my body and i feel like i have no way out 

[walker]

hi and welcome

I just want to say we are not going to judge you for what you say

oh my we have all said a LOT of difficult stuff on here

and the reason we do is because it feels safe to say it here

 

we cannot diagnose people here, but it would be a very good idea to talk to your dr and mh team if you have one

or ask your gp to refer you

mental illness/difficulties are so damn scary and confusing and it sucks to go through it all alone

 

can I just say that people with bpd are all different and although we have the same diagnosis we can present in very different ways, and that is why you need expert opinions

for example I was told once that I couldn't have it - because I had been married over 20 yrs and in a 'stable' relationship and no hospital admissions etc, no previous partners, and no relationships with anyone

but that has nothing to do with my intense and very unstable emotions that take over my life at every opportunity and make me feel like I am being shot in the head and drowning!!

 

anyhow

please feel free to voice your concerns and if anyone is about (which is not so often these days) I am sure they will try to help

xx