My story, so far..

[Matt77]

Hello all. First of all I'm not really sure if this is the right place to be posting this. If it's not, please feel free to move it. 

I have been inspired to write this by a friend of mine. Yesterday she wrote a warm, beautiful and ultimately inspirational post on Facebook about her own personal struggles. I am not as brave as her though,  hence the anonymous nature of these musings. (My name isn't Matt either, not that that matters.)

I have always been aware that I have a very active and very complex mind. As a child I had numerous recurring dreams that would sometimes bleed into nightmares, night after night. I can still remember them now, and can think them through in real time. I was a painfully shy kid. I hated meeting new people, and although I've always had friends, and good ones too, the thought of making conversation with people I didn't know, and even those I did,  filled me with dread. It sometimes still does. My circle of friends now is small but select, people I can rely on. I have been told many times I come across as moody, aloof, rude, arrogant... in reality I am nervous, anxious, shy and uncomfortable. I am trying hard to overcome this trait, I am learning a new language, visiting new places with new people and as a result making new friends. I feel this aspect of my life is improving slowly but surely, and it's making me happier one little step at a time. 

I first sought help for depression around 15 years ago. I was living in a town where I knew nobody, having moved there to be with an ex girlfriend. I was medicated almost immediately as well as offered counselling. I hated the drugs. There were no ebbs and flows, highs and lows, peaks and troughs. I lost my sense of humour, lost my personality. The relationship ended as a result of her inability to "deal" with me. I moved home, drank too much, cried a lot, thought some pretty dark thoughts. 

My lowest point though came around 7 years ago. I had moved to a new city which I love, my business was picking up, I was in a stable relationship which is all that I thought I needed. As we know, depression doesn't discriminate, and even though I had so much on paper, to me that piece of paper was completely blank. Every day it was harder to get up, easier to go to bed early. There was a period of some three months where I didn't go to work for more than maybe 5 hours a week. Debt spiralled. 

Then it hit me. 

I felt my best chance of forgetting this daily torture, the unbearable pain I was in, to burn away the heavy black cloud that refused to stop raining on me, was to not be here. I wrote eBay adverts for everything I owned. Car, tools, clothes, cd's, television.... I had put a plan in to action to go missing and never come back. I had planned where to go and how, thought of new names and how to change my appearance.... I honestly can't say what made me not do it, but I'm still here, still fighting.

Fast forward to today, and I'm happier than I've ever been. I am a dad to an amazing little girl, and although me and her mum aren't together any more we have a great co-parenting relationship. My business is thriving and I have plans for another. My circle of friends is expanding slowly but surely and for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to getting old. I am single and happy in my own company. I'm not clutching at straws. I still have bad days. I still cry. I still worry. I still get occasional panic attacks. I still get paranoid about ridiculous things. I'm still in and out of therapy. But, the future is bright and right now, even with all the negative stuff I still have to push back, I'm loving life.

ive never told anyone about the inner turmoil that has at times ruled my life apart from councillors. My aforementioned sister has bi-polar disorder, and as a result my parents have bigger fish to fry. I never wanted my friends to think of me differently, to talk about me behind my back. This post has been ultimately cathartic, so if anybody has actually read it I thank you. A tear or two rolled down my cheek as I typed I will admit, but it's a beautiful afternoon out there, all is well in my world and to quote my beautiful friend, I'm going to go and kick life in the dick.

I don't know if I'll have the courage to share this with anyone I know in real life. I hope I do.