Where to start.....

[Celestine]

Good morning, and I guess I'll start by saying that I'm new here and hoping to meet some people that I identify with.  I have never been diagnosed with BPD but last year I had enough of my bad behavior and briefly saw a therapist who said that it definitely sounded like that might be the case.  I looked into it and found that yes, I definitely fit the pattern starting back when I was very young.  I am 39 now and still working through the damage that some of my past decisions have created.  I won't get into all the gory details of my past but I will break down the reasons why I feel like this is a good place for me to start.  I fear abandonment and will do almost anything to avoid that fear.  I practice self harm, cutting and eating disorders while I was a teen but I became smarter about leaving marks so if my insides get too painful now I vomit or slap myself in the face.  I drank like a fish, got into drugs and sketchy sexual activities when I was younger although I have been able to stay away from at least the first two of those for a while.  I have been a chronic cheater although I don't do that anymore.  I have stayed with abusive men too long because I don't want to be alone.  I was never really good at anything.  Or at lease that's how I feel.  I don't fit in.   I used those things to fill in this hole I have in me.  It feels like I'm hollow.   Like I don't have a core or a center.  I look at people who know who they are and can't figure out why I really don't.   I feel like no one you know.  The good part or bad part depending on how you look at it is that I can act very normal.  I'm often turned away by government run free therapists here, (I'm from Canada) because they say that I am not mentally ill enough to need help.  On the other hand, I'm too broke to pay for one.  No one at work and doubtfully none of my friends would think that any of this was really going on in my mind at all.  I am also busy a lot with work so it leaves me little free time for much.  I have no hobbies and no real skills besides my job.  Okay I have one skill.   I can pretend really well that I feel like a normal person.  Like I have a soul like anyone else.  I just don't believe that myself.  I have a boyfriend currently who is very talented at a tonne of stuff but lately I've been thinking that he is going to leave because I am nothing but ordinary and boring.  He insists that I just have to get interested in something and do it.   I don't know where to start.  I can't afford anything that requires money and I fear that I can't be good enough at anything fast enough for people not to laugh at me.   I feel like he is going to leave me behind.  He gets angry with me because I "creep" people on Facebook, because he feels like I want to find another guy on there.  That comes from the cheating by the way not just because he's paranoid.   I don't want anyone else.   I just want to know why everyone looks so happy and comfortable with themselves when I feel like I'm lost.  I want to know why my life never seems to grow.  

 

So that's why I'm here.  Nice to meet you all.   

 

[ForestP]

Hey Celestine

Welcome to the community . I can relate to what you have written, I usually write a lot more and may give it a go at some point, but today I'm just far too tired for anything that will make much sense. I need to conserve my mental energy otherwise I will be breaking down near the end of the day...I'm already starting to drift away from myself and I've only been up a few hours.

Good to have you around.

Forest

[Celestine]

Thank you!  I'm just tired today.  I can't sleep in the bed we have right now.  It's too firm so it makes all my joints hurt.   I sound like an old lady!  I'm bummed because I can't afford a new one despite working my ass off every day.  My boyfriend can't find decent work here.  I feel like I'm destined to be poor:\

 

[ForestP]

Now for a proper response:

Good morning to you too, It’s really good you got to see a therapist, that can help more than people realise. I think it’s important when you do see one though to focus on solutions to your specific problems, rather than get a diagnosis, but I know others have found a diagnosis very helpful.

Working through past damage can take a lot of time, keep at it and you will get there! It seems to me that you have come a long way since you were younger, that’s great. Recognising your behaviours are destructive and stopping them shows that you can control this, all you need to do is want to.

I can relate to what you say about feeling hollow, I get that sometimes, I don’t know who I am, I feel I don’t have an identity. I think the important thing is not to dwell on it too much, just let things go and trust your intuition a little more, don’t beat yourself up about things and remember that a lot of people put on a front, just as people probably don’t know you have problems, people don’t know that I do outside of this forum (and people close to me). Therefore someone who knows me could be using me as an example of someone who knows who they are because it’s the impression I give, even though it isn’t really true.

I too get turned away from public healthcare therapists for the same reason, luckily I can afford therapy, I don’t know about Canada but over here there are some charities set up to help people who are in your situation, maybe you could have a look to see if any operate in your area?

Keeping busy is good, I’m sure you do have skills, and it’s never too late to find a hobby, even if it’s reading books (fiction or non-fiction). Seems like your boyfriend is being supportive which is great. Relationships aren’t a competition, he is right you know, getting a hobby is usually that straightforward . Just work out something that doesn’t cost a lot, maybe you could even find something that can make a bit of money (making craft jewellery and up-cycling is pretty popular at the moment). Exercise is usually free, is a good hobby and gets you fitter/healthier in the process, it also can help you feel better.

I understand why you are doing what you are on Facebook, but it won’t help you. Comparing your life to someone else’s is never a good idea, but people only post on Facebook what they want others to see, it isn’t an accurate representation of their life. Also remember they have faced different challenges and circumstances have been different for them, so you can’t really compare with any kind of fairness.

I’m sure you know this but vomiting really isn’t good for you, you will damage your teeth and give yourself all kinds of stomach problems if you keep doing that.

Lucky for you a hard bed is the easiest to sort, get a mattress topper, they don’t cost a lot and can make a world of difference. Getting a good night's sleep is important, everything will seem a lot worse when you are tired.

Have you looked if you can save some money? Again I am unfamiliar with the systems that are in place in other countries. But usually, there is some way you can make your money go further without it changing your quality of life, you can usually do this by changing providers for cheaper ones, making sure you aren’t paying too much for a phone contract and trying to not fall into the trap of paying monthly for things that you don’t absolutely need. Again there may be some sites relevant to you to help you have some more money available for things.

All the best

Forest

[Cagney]

Hi Celestine,

Welcome, I am a relative newcomer myself here and have so far found this a really useful and helpful place. I am delighted to hear you are 39, lol. I am 42 and feel like whenever I go on a forum or a chatroom everyone else is in their teens. I have only very recently been diagnosed with BPD (September) though I am not considered "suicidal enough" to be given NHS treatment so I pay to see a private psychologist. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your post. One thing I have learned is that although you think everyone else has their shit together they really really don't. To the outside world I look pretty together, people at work my parents have no idea of the inner turmoil I'm going through or the hideous things I've done. Don't compare yourself to others coz honestly we have no idea what they are going through either. Like you I use facebook incorrectly sometimes and it is a definite trigger for me because as Forest said above people post stuff to give a false perception of themselves "look how perfect my life is" so the rest of us feel inadequate.  Its taken me a while to realise this triggers me. Anyway just wanted to say hi and welcome and hope you find this place helpful.

Cagney

[Kimboski]

Hi Celestine, and welcome to the forum.

This really is a great place to come and .......well, just be who you are. Without judgement or fear of being ridiculed.

It sounds as if you are 'in the thick of it' right now and I can empathise with that feeling. I'm sure a lot of others here can as well. 

I can only say, just don't give up. Keep pestering your GP for referrals. It took me ages to start to get some help and even now I have to keep fighting to not get fobbed off.

All the best,

Kim

[maddy harper]

Hi and welcome

i also was in to drugs in a big way when i was yunger.

i come from Scotland, U K and had to leave and move to England because of heroin

that nearly killed me.

i've been off that for 5 years now and people say i should b prowd of my self and that i've come a long way apparently but i don't see it like that.

I see my self as a total fuck up both in head and body.

i've struggled with anorexia and bulimia since age 14 and i''m 32 now.

i play musical instruments, thats the one thing i feel I'm relatively ok at.

harp

piano

and

flute (wooden ones with out keys, bamboo ones with out keys, i have a solid silver one with a gold head joint which has keys and a piccolo which is like a little flute which is wooden and has keys)

I also sing.

i have a Guinea Pig called Chock to look after and love and he loves me back regardless of how i am or how my mood is. If only people were like that eh??

i got the diagnosis of bpd and dopamine enduced psychosis in 2012 and have been medicated with psych meds ever since.

They don't stop things but they make them easyer to live with.

i know that Canada doesn't have the best mental health care system or that they don't look after disabled people very well but i know that varies from state to state.

sorry for the essay lol

keep posting if it helps...

Take care.