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Help with Emotional Regulation (Long-Winded, But I'm Very Frustrated and Confused)


NeuroNerd

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I'm not quite sure where to post, so I thought I'd start here. I am a generally healthy young, female adult. I have never been diagnosed, but am relatively certain that I have mild symptoms of anxiety.

I am currently in a long-term, long-distance relationship with a man I love very much. But I feel as though my emotions are constantly out of control when I talk to him and it creates trouble for our relationship. Our conversations mostly consist of me getting upset and crying, and him trying to fix it. Most of the time, I can objectively tell that what I am upset about is something very small and means nothing, yet I cannot get myself to refrain from being hurt or come back once I spiral into my sadness (at least not until we've talked about it at length and he sincerely apologizes or somehow makes me feel better). I sometimes feel like if I don't let myself be upset, I'm not being fair to myself or I'm not truly being myself. And I'm afraid that if I did control my emotions and not let them out or share them with him, I would then lose the closeness and the bond that I feel with him. So part of the problem is that I can't seem to react logically/appropriately even when I know that I'm being illogical, but part is that I'm afraid to try and stifle these extreme emotions for fear of damaging the relationship. 

The reason I see this as such a problem is because in public, around friends, family, coworkers, etc., I don't have any such problems. I am composed and able to let little things roll off my back, I am able to remain calm, laid-back, logical, and control myself. I have a feeling that the reason I change with him is because I trust him wholly and feel that I am able to tell him everything, and so he gets the brunt of my emotions. 

I also have a very difficult time with change without warning. Again, in public I am able to let it roll off my back. I work in medicine and constant change and surprises are baked right into the profession, but in those situations I actually thrive on it. But with him, I get extremely agitated. This is something I've been working on and have been improving upon, though I still struggle with it.

Example: I have been very stressed with many things lately, and we hadn't had the opportunity to talk in about two weeks. When we finally got on the phone, I let loose about everything I'd been feeling. At one point he interjects with a related thought that veered him off-topic. This really bothered me, though I knew it wasn't a big deal, so I tried not to let it get to me. Then I made a suggestion to him (relating to this side-topic) trying to let myself be okay with the change in subject, and he shot it down immediately for his own view of the situation. Not in a mean way, but firmly and without really considering my idea. Those two very small things combined led to tears. We ended up having a 2.5 hour conversation about how I'm insecure with our relationship sometimes because he's not as sweet to me as I'd like, and he doesn't understand when I get upset, blah blah blah, and him trying to reassure me that he loves me and misses me and is sorry he doesn't get it but he's trying, etc. 

The thing is, I don't get it myself! Why am I so upset? I don't even know. Sometimes I just feel upset and on the verge of tears when he says or does something and I have no clue why! I have to talk it out and really think about it to figure out what it was that made me feel like that. It's draining on both of us and extremely frustrating to say the least.

Another odd thing is that when I finally feel better (no more tears, back to baseline), I always get an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame for 1) having put him through that (he has a very stressful job and I hate adding to it, but I can't seem to stop myself) and 2) reacting/being this way in the first place. Then I always like to talk for a while more to make me feel normal again (or at least better), but for the rest of the day I have a nagging sense of guilt.

Am I expecting too much of him? I almost feel like it should certainly be him to make me feel better because he's my significant other, my rock, my foundation. Especially when he's the one who upset me in the first place. I know that's not his role, or what he has to do, but I expect my boyfriend to be the one who is able comfort me against all odds and rarely upset me. Yet he is the one who most easily and most often does upset me. Oddly, I comfort myself just fine until I get on the phone with him and tell him the problem or stressful situation. Then he always tries to comfort me, of course, but if what he says doesn't comfort me, that's when I get upset. More than if I'd never said a thing. Is it that I subconsciously build myself up thinking he'll be the cure-all, and am disappointed when he doesn't say something soothing? If so, how in the world do I go about stopping my subconscious?? If I never brought these things up, there probably wouldn't be a problem, but then I'd again be worried about losing our closeness and bond. 



But the central issue is that little things that he does or says affect me so much more than if anyone else had done or said them. Is it just because I feel so open with him? Is it even worth it to react openly this way (as opposed to trying to combat the emotions) just to feel like I'm being truly myself if it's hurting the relationship? Perhaps I am still myself when I do combat them and succeed, just a better, different version of myself. But then, will the fact that he doesn't get to see my true emotions actually have the negative impact I think it will on our closeness? And if so, which is better: a relationship that is close, but constantly stressed due to my emotions, or one that is happier, but I don't feel as connected to him? And is this all related in some way to anxiety?


Can I control my emotions without feeling that I am cheating myself?

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