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Recently Diagnosed and helpfull advise needed


Mrs Dunstan

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hello everyone,

So I turned 50 May 8th, and on the 11th received the diagnoses of BPD.. I preferred the other birthday gifts ;) 

I was put on Duluxatine 30 then 60 and kept Trazadone 50 for the night time, which took away the Anxiety and Depression I think...

im struggling to make sense of so much today, I've researched and listened to some talks on you tube, I've weeded out some of the awful things that are written, but equally could relate to some of the content. the reasons im struggling is that ive led a life for the past 50 years, that im now unsure of what was , really me, what was anxiety, what's depression, what's  BPD.

My memory is getting slightly better, though not a constant flow, not a lot before early teens, I do remember feeling anxious, I remember hiding under a stool, but I don't know who was shouting mum or dad don't remember xmas / birthday etc,, my day is an alcoholic , was an artist, wouldn't take meds for Manic depressive, mum slightly away with the fairies... prob from living with dad.my brother also is a bit odd, bless him he had an episode when he had cleared off to Europe and joined the French foreign legion ( he had lost his backpack, money passport etc so apparently you can walk into the offices and just join up and go ..)  where he ended up in a phsyc hospital with a BP diagnosis.., ....

mu dd has been through drugs and diagnosis , originally BP but then reduced to BPD...( dear god)  and my son is pretty much on the Autistic spectrum, both adults now of course.

I've been married 4 times, twice to the same chap poor sod,    

im sure you lovely people have the experience of what my life has been like, but I hold a good job and have recently made a conscious decision to stay on my own after the  last disaster ended in march. Resulting in me swinging all over the place and finally snapping and taking myself to Open Minds, who then rang me to say they are sending me off to Navigo as the recourses are more to my needs. ive sold up and bought a little cheapo with a small mortgage to make things easier for me , and my son has moved in with me,

ok, that's a bit of back ground, where im struggling is understanding the context of idealization/ splitting/ and all these words that I cannot fully understand in the context of my past life and relationships, 

I have good relationships at work, im good at my job, and have a good reputation and funny enough my memory is sharp here, I struggle in romantic relationships, and I remember vividly how anxious I would be around men, I identify with the not knowing who I am and feelings of low esteem and value etc im my younger years.

im very cross I wasn't diagnose earlier , I feel I could ( and my children ) have had a different life, I know I carnt change anything and am trying everyday to be mindful. and meditate and be kind to myself and others, 

 

I think I just want someone to make sense of it all for me, I feel sad that its taken so long and im still bloody struggling , I appreciate its xmas so we all feel a little / a lot stressed,

thanks for taking the time to read the above , I do hope ive made some sence lol

 

jane x      

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hi

and welcome

I just wanted  to say I can empathise with  some of what you say

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 44 and am now 52

it does help explain a lot of the difficulties I have had in my life but everything in the past was always put down to depression/anxiety or just being bad/wrong/lazy

not sure what else to say at the moment

but just  wanted to acknowledge you

x

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