BPD Controlling My Life

[Pand3mic]

I've always had serious attachment issues. For as long as I can remember I've picked someone in my life and latched onto them for as long as I could, which often leads to a roller coaster of a relationship, since some of these "chosen" people have turned out to be not-so-wonderful. Currently, my "chosen" person is an online friend, and though my intense emotions, my combination of mental illnesses (depression and anxiety), and her being autistic make for frequent miscommunications and tough conversations, we do really care about each other, and are both constantly trying to better understand and help the other as much as we can. She's an incredible friend and I hope I am the same to her.

Unfortunately, though, my BPD makes for lots of really unrealistic, drastic, black-and-white thoughts. I'm a logical person so I know these thoughts are ridiculous, but they still get lodged in my mind and eat away at me almost every waking hour. Most of them pertain to my friend, and my own insecurities.

Some examples...

• She hasn't answered my messages in a couple hours. Is she mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Is she annoyed with me?
• She's not talking to me right now because she's hanging out with a different friend or playing a video game or watching a movie or something. Does she like that friend/video game/movie/etc more than me? Am I bothering her? Does she not want to talk to me right now? Does she need a break from me?
• It's ten o'clock and she's still not online. Is she avoiding me? Did I do something wrong? Is she mad at me? Did she forget about me?
• Her tone seems different this evening. Is she mad at me? Is she annoyed with me? Did I do something wrong?

It's a lot of social anxiety-esque thoughts, but they're only applied to this one person, and all the while I go back and forth from blaming myself for doing something wrong and blaming her for not being around. I know it's not healthy and I know these thoughts are fairly ridiculous, but it's a huge source of anxiety and emotional distress for me.

Some strategies I've used to cope with these sorts of thoughts are thought records (something my therapist taught me, part of cognitive behavioural therapy), journalling, and even asking this friend if I've done anything wrong (the answer is almost always no). These aren't always effective for me, though, so I was wondering if anyone else with BPD or something similar has experienced these sort of attachment issues and anxieties before and if so, what you do to manage them.

[lululula]

I completely understand this and can really relate to these feelings and also to being aware of their irrational nature. It's really hard if you're logical/intelligent to not blame yourself for having these paranoid feelings, but intellect and emotion are different things. They operate in different ways. Sometimes the emotion, the raw feeling is beyond control. The fact that you're able to analyse it and see it for what it really is, is the most important thing. I am still very much struggling with that but am far more aware of where the feelings come from now that I have the diagnosis. I take a deep breath and try to think of all the positive aspects of my friendship. Thought recording is really helpful too. Main thing is communication. I have exactly the same feelings about my partner which can lead me to act out. Instead of slamming the phone down on him and pushing him away, I try to articulate the feeling to him and come up with ideas for how he might be able to reassure me. The minute I actually told him why I was anxious and fearful, he was able to help me with these negative feelings. Keep going, keep talking back to the negative thoughts.