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I have horrible obsession :(

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Hi everyone,

i feel awful. I have awful thoughts that is I don't do some harm to myself then something bad will happen to my loved ones. Like now for a few days I have not been well at all. I got quite drunk to punish myself this week, got really angry with my parents and sent 'goodbye' ranting texts to people I love. Including my psychiatrist (we have a lovely bond, she even said she wishes I was her daughter) so I really value this relationship. And I have sent her a message today saying I am really struggling and I fear that if I don't punish myself something bad will happen. She read it but didn't reply :( I now it's xmas but I am worried as hell she won't be willing to know me any more. I won't be able to cope with such a loss...

i even cut myself to 'undo' things and punish myself so nothing bad will happen but I started to count my cuts and the number feels wrong all the time so I have to do more and more :( 

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