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Feel like I am falling into a black hole


CoronaBorealis

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Hi All,

I am new to this forum so I have just completed my introduction.

I am struggling immensely at the moment and I feel like I am spiralling out of control. It really doesn't take a lot to set my emotions off and I fly off the handle thinking the world is out to get me.

I was diagnosed with EUPD/BPD and Cyclothymia this time last year after struggling since the age of 11 with depression and anxiety. I am now 27 years old and find my life isn't worth living sometimes. I have had a very busy Christmas and new year so like always, the business took its toll on me and I am exhausted. Start back at work on the 3rd and there was a backlog of work along with general stress. Come Thursday last week, I was ready to jump off a bridge. I was on a split shift and during my long break, my mum tells me her Uncle passed away. I took it ok, until I got to work. I broke down and sobbed my heart out and then got sent home. I wasn't upset about the death (Mainly because i never knew him so it didn't really affect me), i was more upset for my mum and my nan having to go through this. My mum suffers with severe depression as it is. I feel like I'm letting everyone down now not being strong. I am only one person and I feel like I am facing the big bad world all by myself and I have to do everything to make sure its done or ok. This black hole is getting bigger and i feel it is going to result in me either admitting myself into a mental ward for a few weeks or just finding the nearest bridge and jumping.

I can't cope... I don't know how to anymore :mellow: I just wish I could be the happy, smart, confident woman people want me to be but I can't. I'd rather crawl under a rock and stay there.

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taking a quiet moment and giving yourself permission to feel your feelings is a good start. From what you write it sounds like you feel you are under a lot of pressure to preform without mistakes.

Depression has such a way of distorting perspectives, BPD has a way of making your feel paranoid, the two are exhausting. Try letting yourself feel, maybe even write down what comes up to think about later.

Are you in therapy, it is just the kind of thing that is good to discuss with a therapist.

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Sahara Blue, I'm not in therapy no. I went to see a Psychiatrist this time last year and they gave me my diagnoses and then showed me the door. I feel like its a case of "Oh another person, heres their diagnoses now I can get rid". System seems a bit ridiculous. I don't know where to turn anymore.

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