Could I have some opinions on this?

[benji666]

Getting mixed messages from mental health team. Initally diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, more than a decade ago, basically anti psychotics had zero effect and in the end my psychiatrist at the time discharged me and I was left to my own devices,had zero contact with mental health services for ten years, glad to be away from them . Over the years I have become more and more isolated and fearful, as well as having more sucidal ideation, as well as deep anger about my past. Last xmas, not the one just gone, I ended up in a certain well known suicide spot in the UK, and made an attempt. 

 

I was then under the mental health team, I saw a psychiatrist, and she spoke to me for about two hours. We talked about my childhood, and other things, I was told I never had schizophrenia, I certainly am not psychotic now, and I actually have an anxiety disorder and PTSD. This was last january, from jan until august my contact with services was irregular and a bit rubbish. I had a social worker who by the end missed 3 appointments in a row and then discharged me in the corridor of the mental health building. I saw my psychologist in a right state and he called in the crisis. team. He seemed actually quite shocked at what had happened and told me the discharge'had not been though through and was premature'. So I was taken back on by the mental health team and got a new social worker. 

 

Things changed after that. She was much stricter, I have had more contact with her, but there is just an overall attitude from her. On my first appointment she talked about 'dependence on services', and in a crisis {certain things trigger me off , mainly my parents or memories from my childhood }, she told me it was 'my choice if I killed myself' this was just  after she asked me about sexual abuse. I got the impression, she and others feel because of how I didn't want to be discharged ,especially in a hospital corridor I must have BPD... I told the psychologist this, because frankly I don't think I have anything to lose now. Yet if I had BPD, why when i was discharged the first time,did I go straight down the army recruiting office, hoping to join the army and put it all behind me? Surely according to them when I was discharged I would have begged the psychiatrist to take me back? The reason i didn't want to be discharged  last august, was because, life is passing me by, I know something is very wrong, because I get so scared around people, I have no family, no friends, and Iam just scared someone will hurt me.I also get very angry, and can't work with other men, because what happens is they start picking on me, and in the end I throw a punch or choke someone out.  I don't want to live like this anymore, I want things other people take for granted. I wasn't because I got attached to the social worker, I hardly saw him!,If fact the new social worker seemed shocked when she asked how I was getting over not seeing him anymore, and she could clearly see I wasn't bothered. 

So around november time ,the social worker started to talk to me about BPD/EUPD, and saying we are still going to support you but you need to accept the diagnosis. I said to her'well when I was 14 I was playing on a computer,riding my bike and walking my dog, I wasn't messing with little kids or bullying others ' 'yet you are telling me Iam the one with the personality disorder?' I got quite upset. She went bright red and never broached the subject again. I had a home visit after xmas, just gone, and it was with the occupational therapist and the social worker, the OT said, whats 'benjis diagnosis, personality disorder isn't it?',the social worker shot back 'its still a query with Benji'. So , monday just gone I see the psychiatrist, and the social worker is in the room and says to me,' didn't you want to ask dr x about your diagnosis?', so I ask him , and he said well you do have PTSD and an anxiety disorder, but you don't 'present' like you have a personality disorder... Then he looked at the computer screen and said' no it's not on here either' .

 

The other thing that has changed was, a few months, back they were keeping me at arms length, now they are throwing support at me, I have currently a social worker, psychologist, employment advisor, I have a one to one with an Occupational therapist to do anxiety management, and they are now also going to do, exposure therapy for my PTSD, and the plan is for me to visit several towns in the area with a support worker ,they are saying I need to be 'resocialised', they have applied for a care package, and Iam getting another support worker to help me at home. So before they didn't want me to be dependent ? and now they do? . Iam two minds to be honest about all this, as it makes me feel really ill as, resources are really tight, I can't understand why Iam getting all this to be honest. 

Is this standard for a PD diagnosis to get all this help?