Jump to content
Mental Health Forums

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

chris_howarth

Ready for suicide

Recommended Posts

chris_howarth

I hate my life, in my bedroom, I have hidden a tank of helium which i one day, will probably use on myself with a bin bag to asphyxiate myself, I've got it all planned and in some ways such an easy way out makes me feel better. 

I hate my life, I am a virgin and struggle to make anyone even respect me. I obviously have no friends, girlfriends and will probably get let go from my job as a software tester. I started at my job few months back after uni and started acting confidently, with a new wiped slate, but shit has gone the same way everything has gone since, uni , PhD ,, part time jobs and now my full time job. I don't know what wrong with me, I can't connect with anyone, ANYONE! NO ONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN SOME RANDOM PERSON ON THE STREET OR SOME PERSON I SEE ONCE A WEEK. 

My dad was a drunk and my mum was someone with no social skills. To me she was a saint, my dad usually hit me or got angry for doing the smallest things, this i believe is the result of such a combination. I don't feel sorry for myself, I used to, i just don't see the point anymore, I just want help, BUT NO ONE CARES.

 

I'm not shy, I'm really not, im so weird and different in that i have no social skills but I am not shy as I have been told not acting sky will eventually get you there. THIS is bullshit, shy people have gotten 100x further than me. 

What everyone takes for granted, I would kill for, I hate it. 

Im 23, but maybe im just a creep and should kill myself, I dont want to be 24 25 and still be a virgin with no life. Whats the point in life if you have no relationships at ALL!!!!

Im not going to be that person, who is alone as 30 years old and still a virgin, fuck that I will kill myself before 25, 100%.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
successful_workthru
18 hours ago, chris_howarth said:

I hate my life, in my bedroom, I have hidden a tank of helium which i one day, will probably use on myself with a bin bag to asphyxiate myself, I've got it all planned and in some ways such an easy way out makes me feel better. 

I hate my life, I am a virgin and struggle to make anyone even respect me. I obviously have no friends, girlfriends and will probably get let go from my job as a software tester. I started at my job few months back after uni and started acting confidently, with a new wiped slate, but shit has gone the same way everything has gone since, uni , PhD ,, part time jobs and now my full time job. I don't know what wrong with me, I can't connect with anyone, ANYONE! NO ONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN SOME RANDOM PERSON ON THE STREET OR SOME PERSON I SEE ONCE A WEEK. 

My dad was a drunk and my mum was someone with no social skills. To me she was a saint, my dad usually hit me or got angry for doing the smallest things, this i believe is the result of such a combination. I don't feel sorry for myself, I used to, i just don't see the point anymore, I just want help, BUT NO ONE CARES.

 

I'm not shy, I'm really not, im so weird and different in that i have no social skills but I am not shy as I have been told not acting sky will eventually get you there. THIS is bullshit, shy people have gotten 100x further than me. 

What everyone takes for granted, I would kill for, I hate it. 

Im 23, but maybe im just a creep and should kill myself, I dont want to be 24 25 and still be a virgin with no life. Whats the point in life if you have no relationships at ALL!!!!

Im not going to be that person, who is alone as 30 years old and still a virgin, fuck that I will kill myself before 25, 100%.

 

Please, please dispose of the helium safely.

I'm not religious but nobody knows what happens after death, and if reincarnation exists, committing suicide may result in you having a worse life.

I struggle with respect too, we have to respect ourselves before anyone else can respect us, and if people see that we don't respect ourselves, then they cannot feel any respect for us either.

I hope you don't get let go from my job as a software tester.

Sorry to hear things went wrong after your uni.

There is nothing wrong with you, you may just have difficulties, especially if your Dad hit you and your mum had no social skills. Don't blame them, though, because, that is the mistake that I made when I realised parental abuse was behind my difficulties.

The important thing to remember is that abusive parents had difficulties in life themselves, which is why they were unable to love their children properly. Lots of people have kids and find that they are unable to parent properly.

Have you been to the doctors or spoken to your local MIND or mental health charity, sometimes, talking things through can really  help.

You might not be shy but it seems you have no confidence in yourself.
You are not a creep, you are very young, but how you feel about yourself radiates outwards and people treat you accordingly, so if you hate yourself, people will sense this and find it hard to respect you, but if you love yourself, people will treat you the same.

I hope this helps. I'm not in too good a place at the moment, which is why I have been unable to help anyone on these boards for a while.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ElizabethH14

Hi Chris!

How are you doing? 

Please let me know.  I'm very concerned about what you wrote in January.  I haven't been on this forum for ages and when I read your post I had to reply. 

I have BPD. I also was abused as a child, find it social difficult.  I know how it feels to want to end the pain. I have tried too. I am thankful it failed.

The dark holes shouldn't be suffered alone and you are - as long as you keep posting - not alone here!!!!

I hope you are safe.

Take care Elizabeth 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AuthenticBlue

Damn, it saddens me to be able to relate to this so much.

I went though one of my worst phases of depression in 2015 and nearly took my own life numerous times. During the time, i found out i couldn't have kids, then my ex-girlfriend of a 7 year relationship left me for another man. Soon after, i quit my job. My mother was seriously ill and my father died. I disconnected from the few friends that i had and life had no meaning.

For the first suicide attempt, I stood on the edge of a tall cliff face and was sure that it was the moment. I had letters to family and friends wrote out and stuff too. I stood their on the edge, and in that moment i was filled with guilt then vomited, stepped back and fell down into tears. I tried seeking help but couldn't get the strength to tell people how i was feeling and what i was thinking about. Unfortunately, i had a bad experience with my old GP as he gave me a crappy speech about time is a healer and stereotypical bullshit with no action plan. I left alone and like the world did not care for me.

The second time (2 weeks later) i sat on the edge of a tunnel waiting for a train to come so i drop down in front of it and end it all. Only, in that moment i gained a strange appreciation for life and the train passed by underneath myself. I eventually got went home and continued with my life.

I then went though a phase of adrenaline activities. I'd swim in the Ocean in winter at night and nearly freeze to death and drown. I would stand on the edge of tall buildings and i would step out in front of traffic with no care for my life. Yet the rush would make me want to live, even though my life was so miserable that i wanted nothing more than to die. I tried seeking help from my GP and other mental health services but was just assessed and then given a leaflet of advice.

The third time, I eventually done my research and realized that an exit bag (helium and mask) would be a good way to die. Painless and controlled. I purchased all the equipment, set it all up and lay there on my bed with the mask over my face with my hand on the valve. I lay there for hours but i just couldn't do it. Hours passed and i done a lot of thinking in that time before breaking down into tears and telling my mother what i was about to do. 

We then went to the local hospital at midnight and that's when the real help started. But it annoys me that it had to get to breaking point before real help was provided. Since then, i've been on numerous anti-depressants and finally found one that works for me. I've received therapy to help me become more aware and understand what's going on while having additional treatment and support from other services. It hasn't been easy and still isn't but looking back, I've came a long way.

I now have a new girlfriend that loves me very much. Something that i didn't think was possible. While my life has improved overall too. Depression is horrible and makes it seem like life will never improve but things can improve. It's hard to hold on to that hope while the despair pulls you down but things can get better.

Know that an exit bag can go wrong. It can result in you becoming severely brain damaged and that - in my opinion - is worse than death. 

I know your post was from January but i'd love to hear back from you and know how things are. You're not alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
successful_workthru

Hi Chris

I really hope you are still with us.

I'm just coming out of a really bad time of my life, the worst time, lasted about 16months, still in the middle of a second benzo addiction but things are slowly getting better. I know it will still take some time to get back to an ideal state as to how i want things, but just knowing that I am back 'on the up' after so long with things getting worse and worse each day, has helped.

I own a leasehold flat and there were lots of problems around it, and some of them I hadnt told the landlord for fear of being turfed out. New staff are now in the Lease office and I had a nice chat with them today, one of them asked me my CPN name and I just blurted everything that I Was keeping secret fromo them out, and they said I am not going to get turfed out, so I just spent the last 16months after losing 6 stone, and the releif of todays phonecall made my appetite instantly come back, (right now am waiting for takeway food order to come) and I even got the energy to tidy a room, a massive feat for me, as the anxiety and depression sapped my energy so much I was spending the days either in bed or playing bubble shooter a midless time killing game on the internet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...