Confession

[Mugisha]

Hello reader, let me first introduce myself in my truest self. I am a 25 year old male and I am a failure and a lair.

I feel like everything that I have ever attempted in my life I have failed at, I feel stupid and the butt of many of my piers and relations jokes, people who have mattered to me and I have wanted to make proud so badly. The shame of this kills me as these very same attributes are mirrored in my father who is literally a coward and a lair himself, a man although I love I do not want be like.

In school I failed from a young age being what I believe to be stupid, a trend that has carried on into my adulthood in the eyes of everyone who knows me may I add. I was bullied and beaten from a young age maybe for my coordination development disorder that can mirror  ADHD or maybe for that indefinable quality in me that people love to hate and attack. Im fairly sure I was abused at the age of ten by my fathers mother whilst on a holiday staying with my dad as my parents separated when I was young, thing is I only have vague images of what may or may not have happened but when I came home to my mother I went from being a hyper deluded but generally happy child to suicidal, I tried to run into the sea and drown myself but my mother stopped me and made me promise her from that day that I would never try to take my life again, I love my mother more than life as she is the first of three to love me for me, my gran and sister being the others and I would like to take this moment to express my gratitude to everyone and everything for their love as it is the soul reason I breathe. During child physiotherapy I never spoke of what happened but apparently drew some fucked up images and they were sure something horrific had happened but I cant remember what.....maybe I am truly nuts and made the thing up in my head.

When I hit sixteen my body became riddled in acne and still is, I am covered in cysts and scar tissue all over my upper body, I physically hate myself and since I have developed this condition , sexuality, intimacy and self esteem have always been serious low points of mine and only fuels my self loathing.

I went out to Uganda for the year to teach English to kids that could not afford education, let me confess that I was hated by my fellow volunteers and I was a terrible teacher, I failed those children, I could barely spell the words I was teaching them, they at the highest age range of twelve were more academic than I was. Whats worse is when I came home I had to give public talks on how well I had done and the success of my amazing experience to the good people who helped me fund raise to go out there, deep down whilst talking to them I knew I was lying.

I attended college and ended up polarizing myself from all my fellow class mates and was bullied for it, I all but dropped out and they failed me for the year, I have told everyone and anyone that they failed me because they lost some of my course work, including my mother because the truth is I cant admit or face the fact that I could not face my fellow peers for one more week of college to finish off my course work. I am a lair and so I am coward. Though I can not admit this to anyone as my twisted version of pride is all I have left for me so I hold on to that image so tight and tell myself that its life fault, I tell myself I am warrior descended from warriors as fighting runs in my family and I now in my later life I enjoy combat sports as it makes me feel powerful and like a man when I know truly I am not. After college I can count many failed ventures, failed relationships and plenty of lies, small white lies told to others but far worse, myself.

 

In the past three years I moved to a town were my childhood hero lived, my uncle. He fought for Scotland in various different martial arts, great at his job which was a plumber and gas man and very well respected by everyone who knew him...and I was lucky enough to get a start with this man, I was going to learn a career, sure enough I was awful and I believe in the end he was embarrassed by me he took to ridiculing me and wanted shot of me, I think he only kept me around out of obligation to my father and then myuncle died and I was devastated as he was vert fit, never drank, never smoked and he just passed. I had to let go of my first love, what I believe to be the love of my life around the same time as all I did was make her miserable, she had her fair share of issues but no matter what way I look at it I see it as another failure, I blame me. I had to let her go so she could be happy. I am so filled with rage and shame for my life and for feeling that way when I know in many ways I have been very lucky. Not just rage for my life fills me but for many others around this earth who suffer for no cause what so ever, I try to find a reason for all the sorrow in this world but I cannot, I dont want to be apart of it, I want to die in a wave of violence, a final fuck you to the world. I would go to the military to do just that but they will not have me, my knee is fucked, another failure. My family are moving on with there life, my mother is happy with a good man, my sister full of hope and life going to uni and my gran bless her is very old. For a long time people have asked me what I want to do do with my life, what career do I want, what is my passion, I just cant see myself in any of those scenarios, I dont want to be me in those scenarios, I want to be dead, I dont want to be me anymore, I dont want to be a lair, a failure, a joke, a coward. I fantasize about dying fighting and being remembered as having accomplished something in my death, bravery, redemption and  at last have my peace and freedom from being me. I look in the mirror and talk to people in my minds eye who have done me over and I fantasize about punching them to death and Iam genuinely sad I feel this way, Im just dam angry with me, life and the world. Im gonna have to move past this because although I want to not be me I know that if I die the only people that will really suffer are the ones I love and above all I dont want that. Reading this back I hate how pathetic this reads considering how good I have it compared to many people on this site and in the world.

If you have taken the time to read this then I would like to from the bottom of my heart thank you, for your time in reading this and how I feel means more to me than you could ever know. I pray that everyone on this page and there respective families know deep joy and love in all the years to come.

 

[Why Not]

Can you forgive yourself for not being perfect? For not enjoying every experience? For not always doing your best? If you can do that you will take responsibilty. I read every word you wrote, it reminded me of a flickering candle. Angry, desperate, ashamed, confused. Admitting you are a liar, what is the point unless you stop? You are responsible for the lies. Period.

You can stop being that person. Period. You can tell the truth and rid yourself of shame. A liar will always be alone you can change that. People that choose not to lie are not perfect. Telling lies adds an extra layer of shame to behaviour we regret. 

Have you see a dermatologist about your skin? 

Not everything is someone's or your fault. Life passes and mistakes/regrets happen, what you choose to do with them is up to you.