Jump to content
Mental Health Forums

I love him so much it hurts/BPD


Gracecaul

Recommended Posts

I feel like no one understands, every glance I share or word I say with someone I feel every second of it and I take in all of their reactions and emotions so closely to my chest whilst comparing their lack of empathy and ability to remain emotionally stable to mine. I criticise this believing I will always love the other person more as I can't help feeling obsessed or like I am too much for them. Because I know how laid back and contrasting I can be in other relationships with people I don't care a much about. However with most relationships I generally feel closer and more emotionally involved than the usual person. 

Jealousy and BPD is a nightmare for me but I am a hypocrite. I am double standards. I follow my highs and lows like there is two different me's and sometimes I just want to be normal so I can f####n make relationships work and do things I feel like I did, not the euphoric, crazy, embarrassing, mad and fearless side of me did or the depressed, self-hating, suicidal, silent, anxious, helpless mess side did. When i am in a relationship (present) I get so hooked that everything else becomes faded. I can't work, throw away opportunities and times with my friends. They are stuck in my mind and I am either battling to get them out or battling for more intensity and passion. I do so much for them and notice the smallest of things. I love when I make them happy but unhealthy don't enjoy others making him as happy and I know that is so wrong, I HATE saying it but I have to open up. 

I only recently started becoming suicidal, however I would hate to hurt my mother and the rest of my family. I would love to go to sleep and not wake up but I CAN'T SLEEP! I wish i was normal, I want help, I have been to doctor but it didn't help and I am pushing someone I love away from me, they know I have BPD and the other night they flipped saying 'this is too much', he was crying. I felt horrible all I could do was cry to at the mess I made. All I want to do is love and be happy together but I cant hold it together and I always feel this intense 'I need him' vibe. I hate myself,I cant let go..  love him so much it hurts. I cant expect him to love me that much. I can understand what its like to be him - normal. But he tries to understand me, I wish I could be better for him.

this is the first time ive ever opened up fully. I knew online would have somewhere to go. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh my darling, I understand I feel and do the same. I can't let my partner have my relationships outside ours whether it be friends work or family. It's like I'm terrified he will have more fun elsewhere and then want to leave me. I suffer with sleep too and haven't had a medication free nights sleep in over 10 years. The less sleep I have the worse I am and the more meds I have to help me sleep the groggily I am the next day and then I feel guilty. X

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, congratulations that you found the courage to open up. I've got few things that I think might be related to what you are sharing here about yourself. This is all theoretical and my assumptions based on what I have read above.

People who had a lot of negative experiences and that makes them different in relationships (different than usual). They crave for attention because they didn't get enough attention in childhood. Maybe their parents were working too much or couldn't express their love effectively. Maybe even criticize and cause hurt,  so their children felt not accepted, rejected and not good enough ( being the black sheep of the family).

They grow up with the low self-esteem level. Looking for love from outside because they don't love and accept themselves on the inside (how can they if all they heard about themselves in their childhood was negative).

They feel very alone in the world and because they want to be loved and accepted as everybody, they sometimes create a relationship their main goal in life. Thinking that this will be the source of their happiness.

Because they feel not good enough they overcompensate it with doing and giving too much in the relationship. If their "tactics" don't have the right response from another person (they expect people to give back as much as they do), they get disappointed and suffer feeling the other half is not as committed. This is a trap because they rarely get what they expected and always end up frustrated.

 

Few words about jealousy

There are two main reasons for jealousy:

1. Person's other half have cheating tendencies and broke their trust before. They are naturally afraid that this might happen and that they will be hurt again. This is a safety mechanism.

2. By feeling they are not good enough/having low self-esteem, their belief system is that they might be easily replaced by someone "better" than them. They try to prevent their second half from an opportunity of doing something behind their back. They get overprotective, show controlling behaviors and manipulation just to make sure nothing bad will happen.

Tend to check mobile phones, social media accounts, emails etc. of their partners, looking to catch them red handed.

At extreme levels:

- they don't allow the second half to have a social life

- verbally threat them

- sometimes even they push themselves to physical abuse (scared of rejection and being left alone/relationship addiction)

 

The key to making changes is to work on their self-esteem levels, getting rid of negative beliefs about themselves and that they cannot be happy being without a partner.

They can't and don't have rights to make their partners "dance to their music". Everybody can be and do whatever they want, as every person on this planet has equal rights, value and "role in the God's plan" to play.

Hope this helps!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
9 hours ago, danielcroos said:

Have been diagnosed Borderline, but Antisocial is more like me, is it possible to be both ?

Probably. Because the subject is a somewhat grey area, it's possible to have two types of anxiety, for example. I would assume that this is the case for personality disorders as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...