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Nowhere to turn.


Missbb

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Hi I'm 30 and have been struggling with mental health, bpd and psychosis since before I can remember. Many therapists have told me this is something that gets better with age, yet I'm getting drastically worse. I've been screaming out for a few weeks now that I'm not coping to be met with the usual "chin up" or a patronising "just don't feel like that" oh if only it was that easy hey. I've been back to my psychiatrist who just keeps upping my meds with no real benefit at all. I called them again today after reaching co,plate crisis point last night to be told by the duty care worker that there's nothing they can do. I'm so lost and feel so low and alone that no one understands or wants to help me. I'm completely losing control of all aspects in my life and have gone completely into self destruct mode to the extent of pushing everybody away and making things more unbearable for myself yet not being able to stop. I've never posted on forums and I don't really know what response to expect if any at all or even what I'm trying to get out of it. I guess I just need to try and vocalise what I'm going through and desperately hope that someone will understand and I won't feel so secluded or like an alien anymore. 

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Hello.

You aren't an alien and you definitely aren't alone.

The world just doesn't seem to very inclusive enough these days does it. 

If you need to speak to someone right now, you could try Samaritans - they have helped me in the past. 

And if you are about here - you can chat to me in the chat area for the next half hour.

I'm having a rather bpd time of it myself at the moment - i forgot how much emotional support i need sometimes - i can get like a scared child freaking out. 

I just don't feel i can talk to anyone in my life about these things though, they don't know what to do with it.

Having said that, if you feel things are hitting crisis mode don't sell your friends short. even if you have pushed people away, don't think they dont want to help you. I am amazed how my friends pulled together and showed up for me when i had a real crisis. and i forget that and still keep them at arms length.

Anyway, please do go back to your doctor and tell them things aren't improving and that you need to try something else. I went to see my doctor when I was having a crisis a while ago and it took them A YEAR to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist. I had to complain which then had an investigation and went on record. These services will only improve if you feed back. and i'm sorry but its time we all started giving the Government some home truths about how inadequate our health care system is.

And if you haven't already - i would recommend having a go at mediation. There are several guided meditations by Jon Kabat-Zinn on youtube that I found helpful - he's the authority on mindfulness for depression.

Sorry this reply seems grossly inadequate but just know you aren't alone xx

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Wow a reply, this made me so happy to wake up to before crashing back down to my slum. You are absolutely right about the lack of help and support medically. I'm quite lucky that I'm under a psychiatrist team, however when I called them last Thursday I spoke to a really helpful really nice man and I had the psychiatrist ring me and drop me a prescription round but only for a few days of meds including diazepam (which is the only thing really atm that can stabilise me slightly). Then when I called them yesterday they couldn't of been less helpful.

Im in an area where I didn't grow up and my friends are fair weather friends to say the least and are considerably younger and I think the whole thing frightens them. My partner just DOES NOT GET IT at all and keeps telling me to just get better I lost it completely with him and nearly cost him his job then in true bpd style crashed and needed him then pushed him away when he made me promise to get better. I don't know how to explain it any better to him you can't make a blind person see just by telling them to look harder and it's almost as if he thinks I want to be this way. 

Im going to call my doctors again and hopefully get somewhere and something more and some help, but just having a reply on hear has made me feel less lonely scared and hopeful, so thank you. Hope you're doing ok and have a manageable day X 

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I don't normally come on here, but I saw your moving plea on the email digest and felt I should log in just to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people here who understand what you are going through, and sympathise. I know from experience that the world offers little to help, and more and more medications are just not the answer. (They help a bit, though.) There are books and videos and things that you can (gently and persuasively) offer your partner that will help him understand. He's just reacting at the moment, and probably worried and scared. Yes, people do not "get it" and that is why you have to develop strength and self-respect in your own life, to hold up your head and say, this is ME, this is who I am, and I'm not ashamed of it. Friends and relationships are important of course, but at the moment you have to make yourself the important one and nurse yourself, and forgive yourself. God bless you.

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Thank you so much these are coming at the right time I've just returned home from my local mental health team to be met by a worker who said she doesn't understand what I need from them and to give it time. I explained I don't feel like I have time I've been calling everyday and don't want to get to the point of having to be admitted as this will be so detrimental to my current mental state and also I'm going through a pretty messy custody battle with my ex at the moment and I know he would use that to his advantage. It's almost like the more pressure I'm putting on myself to be OK the worse I'm getting. I'm off my feet at the moment too as I have sacroiliac joint dysfunction which has been getting me pretty low and the hospital took my medication off me which my psychiatrist told me they shouldn't have so its got out of my system and will take 4-6 weeks to get back into my system which terrifies me as I literally can not go on for that amount of time feeling like this. I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. The crisis team aren't even being helpful and having a different person knock on my door each day gets me in such a state. What do you all do when you're like this, who do you turn to? All the emotions I'm going through is literally so unbearable and Wednesday night as I said I completely lost it and feel like I have to do damage limitation on top of everything. Inside me I feel like I'm spinning loads of plates like they do at the circus and I can't keep them all spinning and they're coming crashing down. Honestly all your replies have helped and made me feel more reassured. So thank you xx

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i have some problems at the moment too, i wish someone would sort them out for me but i know that is not going to happen

i live an isolated life, i have not spoken to someone that knows me for about 2 months, i only normally encounter strangers when running errands etc 

if i do not do these things for myself i could go under, i am at a turning-point crossroads in mylife now

i have to face all my fears or i will go under, this could negatively effect others, i do not think i could live with the shame of this so i think it will be this

that makes me do what i need to do, shame is a very powerful thing

i see a future where i survive with the possibility of some happiness but these are fleeting moments, most of the time i am ready for the finale battle

 

The NHS are trained to spot "dependency" to them it is like a contagious disease asking them for help activates their dependency detectors

never ask for more, leave that to Oliver Twist 

 

i have a problem asking others for help, if my legs did not work i would crawl if i could not crawl i would sit and suffer

i hope asking for help brings you the help you need

i wish i had the ability to never think that i needed others to help me do the things that i am scared to do

good luck

 

 

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Oh my wow I feel you I really do. Please have inward faith and belief there's help there for all of us, whether we want it or feel shame in asking for it. 

Pic someone can not sort your problems for you then maybe they can sort them with you. Sometimes I believe by helping each other sort their issues can bring us clarity on the direction we need to head to sort our own.

you say you haven't had proper relevant interaction for two months, may I ask, why is that? I know you say you would feel shame in asking for help but you don't necessarily need to ask for help why not ask your friends family etc what's going on in their lives and if you can help them at all? You might find this helps you in bridging a gap?

id love to know more about your struggles to help put mine into perspective. The more we realise others struggle too the more manageable ours may seem to ourselves X 

 

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i agree there is help, but i think this help needs to come from within ourselves, part of my problem is thinking i need people with me to do things i can do by myself

i don't have any family they are all dead or at least the ones i might have spoken with, my mother died young (55) from cancer, i have never spoken much with my father in life never got on very well with him the last time i spoke to him was at my mothers funeral around 6-7 years ago never been close to any other family members 

i have been agoraphobic for around 12 years

around 2 years ago the Mental health team decided the agoraphobia was more a symptom of BPD which makes sense to me

i have just recently started going out a little bit this feels quite strange scary but also exciting, the world has changed so much in this time, it is like i am from a different generation

i was in a coma and woke up 12 years later, trying to fit into this new world is causing me all sorts of problems

i moved away from the area i was known so i lost contact with the people that knew me and i never made any new friends

i find it difficult to be around other people this is one of my biggest problems i have spent most of my life avoiding people because they make me feel uncomfortable about myself (shame, anger frustration), i tend to have this problem mostly with strangers, which is a dilemma because in order to make new friends i must get past the stranger part 

its very hard for me to allow people into my world i live like a recluse in isolation, not speaking to people for months on end is normal to me

i need to get past all this because i need to find somewhere else to live as i am currently getting evicted from the property i am renting 

this means dealing with estate agents etc and going out to places i have never been, i find this daunting but i know i must do it because there is no one to do it for me

its not going to be easy i will most likely leave everything to the last minite and have many emotional episodes while getting things done

it would be easier if i had someone to help me but relying on others is something that might make things worse in the long run

i wish i believed people were more helpful as you do, this has just not been my experience of life 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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